Siblings and in-law siblings showing signs of BPD - How do I cope?

[ZoyaB]

I've been dealing with abusive BPD-like behavior in my siblings. I've been seeing a therapist and have come up with several good coping strategies, yet they still catch me off guard. My sister-in-law started the last episode and I asked to speak to her about the incident. When I asked about a good time to talk, she refused to set a time and insisted that I call her instead of texting to set up a time. I feel like this behavior is problematic and I don't know how to diffuse or react to it.

At this point, I maintained my boundary of not being available to talk tonight. She agreed to talk this weekend, yet won't give me a good time to call. If I call and she is angry and abusive, I am prepared to say that I can wait until a better time.

How long to I need to wait to resolve this issue? I'm getting married in June and not inviting her would be awkward and create volatile situations with other siblings, which would roll over into the rest of the family, and then our wedding day will be subjected to their abuse and violence.

Thoughts are appreciated. Thanks.

[Turkish]

From my view add an outsider, it's completely reasonable to set up a time by text.  It doesn't mean that you won't get the same flack in person as you would on the phone,  but it's reasonable, and a valid boundary. 

When dealing with a high conflict personality, is best to be BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

I've tailored this tool to work verbally as well. 

What do you mean by violence,  and what's the history there?

[P.F.Change]

Hi, ZoyaB, and

Thanks for your post. It can feel confusing trying to navigate a relationship with a family member who has BPD. I can tell it's frustrating for you that your SIL won't work with you to find a time to sit down and talk about how to resolve the incident that's troubling you. That's understandable. Healthy adults will try to work through their problems together and come to an agreement about how to move forward. It sounds like your SIL might not know how to resolve conflict that way. Perhaps it is frightening to her to think about the issue or she has learned to ignore problems until others pretend they are gone.

Making an appointment to discuss important issues seems reasonable to me, as it gives the item a sense of priority. It also can be a matter of personal preference. If your SIL doesn't want to do that, that's ok. Your plan to call this weekend makes sense, since you both agreed that would be a good general time. It also makes sense to take care of your boundaries by ending the call when someone speaks disrespectfully to you. You can't control her preferences or actions; you can decide to do your best to live according to your values. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence helped me to see boundaries in a way I hadn't before. Maybe there will be something there that will help you, too.

What I hear you worried about is whether she will ever be able to discuss the incident with you enough that you feel it is resolved. If she has BPD, then most likely not, but maybe. One tool that has improved my communication is S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth). There are others, such as DEARMAN, which can be useful when asking for something specific. You can read about some of them here: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN).  It sounds like this incident must have been a pretty big deal if it means you might not invite her to your wedding as a result. Do you feel like elaborating about it?

Like Turkish, I'm curious what kind of behaviors have been a problem in the past. We'll look forward to hearing from you when you're ready.