I can't do this

[desdemonaT]

The last couple of days, I've said the wrong thing and it's resulted in hurt feelings on my BPD sister's end.  I don't want to go into details, but suffice it to say they I'm at the end of my rope.  She has been staying with my husband and I for months since losing her husband.  On top of grief, there's the BPD, bipolar, and depression.  I have it much easier than a lot of what I read here.  She isn't abusive or violent.  She is quiet, solitary, and stays in the house for days and weeks on end. My husband and I have to leave our own home to get any alone time.  We do all the shopping, prescription pickup, and I do all the extra stuff for our mom, who lives alone.  I feel bad that our mother lives by herself and there's 3 of us in our house.  She has yet to feel like mom needs someone living there with her.   

So besides myself, my husband is at the end of his rope too.  I'm thinking of asking her to move in with mom, but I'm sure that's going to blow up in my face too.  We shall see

[drained1996]

It's tough that you are in a situation that you feel the need to be the care giver for someone with BPD.  Boundaries are helpful in life, and in particular with people with borderline traits.  We use them as a way to self protect, but also to shift the burden of responsibility to them in a way.  This link may help you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

What boundaries do you think you all need to set?  Keep in mind they do not necessarily need to be openly or directly communicated... .it can be something simple, like saying you don't have time to get medications... .it would be great if she could handle that.  Not saying... ."I'm not getting your meds... .that's up to you." 
Does this make sense?

[Kwamina]

Hi desdemonaT

Living with a BPD sibling can be quite difficult and really take its toll on you. People with BPD are often very sensitive which can quite easily lead to hurt feelings:

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

Is your sister getting any help for her issues, perhaps from a therapist?

We describe several communication techniques on this site that can be helpful when dealing with BPD family-members, such as:

Validation

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

These structured ways of communicating help minimzie the likelihood of (further) conflict, while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to our BPD family-member. Following these communication patterns can also help us stay more calm ourselves. There are also other techniques described on this site, but I think this is a good starting point.

Considering your sister's issues (BPD, bipolar, depression... .), do you think it would be good for your mother to have your sister living with her? How would you describe the relationship your sister has with your mother?

[P.F.Change]

Hi, desdemonaT, and

It sounds very difficult to have your sister living with you and feeling you need to take care of her and your mother, too. It's important that you remember you also need to take care of yourself. It's okay to do what's best for you and your husband, and to allow your sister to learn to care for herself better, too. Do you see any opportunities you can give her to be more responsible for her own well-being?

Drained1996 and Kwamina have already pointed you to some of my favorite material here. You mentioned in your introduction post that you're interested in learning more about BPD. I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information at once, but when you get a chance you might check out some of our lessons. Here is Lesson 2: Understanding BPD Behaviors. We'll be happy to help with any questions you might have.

Have you ever talked with a therapist about what you are going through? Having professional support was really helpful for me. We hope to hear more from you soon!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[desdemonaT]

Well, I finally asked this morning for her to stay with mom for a while, and she is packing up.  The conversation was ok, but I'm hearing deep breath after deep breath and expect it to blow up just any minute.  She builds things in her head that just aren't there so, again, we shall see.

[desdemonaT]

As she just said "You're finallly rid of me". Boy, this sucks.

[drained1996]

You've set a boundary by asking her to leave... .which is a helpful form of self protection on your part.  Might be a good idea to give her a hug and go run some errands as she finishes packing to eliminate the possibility of being caught up in any drama that may arise. 

[desdemonaT]

That's just it, I did not ask her to leave.  I asked for her to just stay with Mom a while to give my husband and I some alone time. Just for a while. Even when she was loading up her car, I said that she didn't have to move out and take everything.  She said that ship had sailed.

In our conversation, she said (first) that she could go stay with mom.  When I said that she and I talked about it just the day before, she shut down. She HATES for anyone to talk about her at all.  It's our mother, for Gods sake.  And it's not like she ever calls or goes over to visit with her much.  I call her everyday and go over there almost every day.

Now I feel apprehensive just going over.  I went today and my sister hugged me when she came in the room.  I was surprised.  She took her kitty with her to Mom's and there is a houseplant in a bedroom that she received for her husband's funeral.  Its dangerous to cats, so I offered to bring it to my house and put in in our garage, to which she said no no.  When I asked her why, she didn't answer.  I also suggested putting it in Mom's basement next to the window.  She didn't say anything to that either.  So its in the same place now, but its covered up with an old shower curtain.  I'm sure I will get the brunt of it if it dies.  Oh well.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

BPD is so difficult to deal with especially when it it affects the whole family.  I think it is great that you were able to tell your sister that you and your husband need time alone.  How she chooses to interpret her words is her choice/business.  Same with her rewriting what you said about staying with your mother.  Her interpretations, her filters, her experience.  Let her have those.  I know it is upsetting, so if you can, try to look at this as a boundary issue.  She is free to have her emotions, feelings, interpretations etc, and you can have yours.  You said what you said in the kindest and most generous way you knew.  You can't control what she chooses to do with that and how she chooses to interpret your words is a reflection of her and has little to do with you.

I am not trying to minimize your hurt.  Of course it hurts and frustrates when she twists things around or uses emotionally charged sayings.  You can protect yourself by learning about the disease, how it manifests and then take what you know about your sister and apply the tools suggested at this site.  The boundary issue I mentioned is about internal boundaries.  Let her have her issues and interpretations.  You know what you said and how you meant what you said.  Learn about the behaviors, practice the tools and use them to protect yourself... .who knows, she may even be helped by this too.

Good luck to you.

[desdemonaT]

Thank you for responding Harri.

I have been reading and have learned some things.  But my sis and I are in our 50s.  We have had so many years prior to this diagnosis.  I have a lot to learn and hope that I can catch up.

[Harri]

Hi again!  It can seem like a huge hill to climb, but it is doable.  There is a ton of info here so take it in small steps as you can burn out on all the reading.  Also, do not underestimate the help you can get simply from posting here.  The people here, and on the coping board especially, are a huge help.

BTW, there are several of us who are older who post and some are just starting out.  I am 51    Not too old to learn... .dammit! 

[P.F.Change]

Hi, desdemonaT,

I think your sister's reaction to being asked to stay with your mother temporarily demonstrates some of the hallmark traits of BPD. For example, black-and-white (or all-or-nothing) thinking, fear of abandonment, and feelings=facts. She must have felt so insecure at your request for a short break that she was only able to interpret it as a complete rejection on a personal level.

I am glad you and your husband will have some space to yourselves. I hope you will be able to enjoy it and relax a bit now that your sister has chosen to move out. This might be a good opportunity for you to see what it's like letting go of feelings of obligation to take care of her. With a little more physical space between you, it might also be easier to practice Harri's advice about letting your sister experience her own emotions and beliefs, and you can have yours. For instance, just because she says things like "You're finally rid of me," you don't *have* to feel anxious or guilty. It takes practice, but you can learn to find your own emotional space.

You're right there's a lot to learn, and Harri's right that it's never too late to start. I was able to grow a lot with help from a great counselor. Is therapy an option for you?

[desdemonaT]

I've almost gotten to the point of being ok with things.  I've still got guilt, though.  And I hate that things happened the way they did.  I visited a couple of times and she hugged me both coming and leaving mom's house. We both said "I love you", too.  That felt so good!  I can't get the thought out of my head that she thinks I "sawed offer the limb she's holding on to" as she said before when we had a disagreement.  Something to that effect.

"All or nothing" and "for me or against me" and "you either love me or hate me" are things I've heard her say to describe herself and her feelings.  I can't imagine what that's like.

She has yet to like any of my Facebook posts since she moved out.  Even cat pictures! And she loves my cat.  She has liked other stuff, but I reckon she just doesn't "like" me right now.  Ugh.

I asked her how she was feeling yesterday, to which she said "fine".  When I asked about her kitty, who was at her side, she said "he's perfect".  So I said I loved her and she said she loved me and I left her room to visit with mom.  It was tense.

Should I apologize?  I feel like she needs me to apologize. 

Should I even address it?  I'm afraid she's not ready to talk to me about it yet. Maybe I wait for her to say something first?

[drained1996]

Should I apologize?  I feel like she needs me to apologize

And what exactly would you apologize for?  Apologize that she misunderstood that you simply asked for some space for a bit?  She twisted what you said and refused to see it as you stated it, so for you to apologize for the situation would be to validate her twisted interpretation.  Validation is good, validating the invalid is not.  
Here is a good link:
https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm

Maybe I wait for her to say something first?

Yes this... .especially if you sense she isn't ready.  

Here is a link to the parenting board we have.  In the upper right margin of the page in the link there are some tools and lessons I think you will find helpful when communicating and dealing with/reacting to your sister.  Remember BPD is about a disorder in emotional development, their ability to deal with emotions rivals that of a child in many circumstances.  It may help you center yourself in communicating with her sometimes to actually think of her as an emotional child.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0



  

[P.F.Change]

Should I apologize?  I feel like she needs me to apologize. 

Did you do something wrong?