Isolated and out of ideas

[heyhowsitgoing]

Years together: 15

Age: 36

Married:y

Children/ages: 27, 23, 22, 11

How Many Times Have You Broken Up: Never, although we likely should have

Sexual Orientation: straight

What are the top reasons you want this relationship to work?

We’ve put in a lot of time but mostly I’d like stability for my 11-year-old and I don’t want him to think that people like him (BPD suspected) are not worthy of love or capable of long-term relationships.

What do you like most about your partner?
He faces difficult situations with humor (when he can).  He loves small people and animals and they love him back even though he is huge and seems intimidating.


What are the top challenges facing your relationship?

My trans stepson has been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar disorder.  The more he began to learn about his condition, the more it became obvious that my husband of 15 years is also a sufferer.  He would never admit this, but he has been splitting on me and the kids for years and rarely remembering the things he says afterwards.  I've allowed us to become isolated as he has knocked our friends off their pedestals in his mind and decided that they weren't worth having around.   My 11 year-old son is also showing signs of highly unregulated emotions that are getting worse as he approaches his teens.
Right now, it seems like we go from one crisis to another with very little room to breathe.  And I'm the perfect stupid avoidant victim who determinedly stayed blind to what was going on for the last 15 years AND brought a child into the mix.

What do you find most difficult?
Doing the right thing even though I am so tired of fighting this battle. 
Also, having a co-parent and spouse who believes that “getting on the same page” equates to “do things his way”.  I don’t really have a partner.  I either have a boss or a very independent oldest child.


How would you categorize your partner?

BPD traits for sure, but I have doubts that he will ever own that


How would you categorize yourself?

Low Self Esteem. Probably Codependent, but if anything can cure that it’s this marriage.  Depressed. Anxious.  Hopeless. I'm reading up on BPD now that I know what's up, but I am struggling so much with the anger, grief and regret of what I've allowed to happen that I just want to disappear.


Is anyone in therapy? If so, what?

My two sons are in therapy, but the little one has just been getting neuro-feedback.  I’ve asked my husband (the home parent who takes Jr. to his appointments) to mention possibly adapting DBT for the little guy, but when I asked how that went he did a combo split/projection on me so I don’t know how that’s going.

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
My mother walked away from me and my dad when I was 2.  I would like very much to be strong enough to do better, but the struggle is real.  Anything you guys can offer that will help me clean up my own mess rather than run for the hills would be amazing.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi  how's it going. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I cannot imagine trying to navigate through not only a spouse with BPD but a child also. The tension in your household must be very high.

You've come to a wonderful community to help you work through the issues in your relationship. The most important thing for someone living with a pwBPD is to begin taking care of yourself. Anger, fear, and grief are very common feelings in many of us. We can't say the thigns we want to say. We worry and fear our partner's reactions, and we are depressed and sad that we can't have a normal relationship like many of our other friends.

On the right side of the screen there are many lessons to go through. These lessons will help you better understand BPD, how to better communicate, and how to take care of yourself. I would suggest starting there, but here are a few other workshops that might help.

BPD family also has boards for parents with a child with BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

What Does it Mean to care for yourself:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0

Anger and Healing:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=75098.0