Has anyone told the person they have BPD?

[ShadowA]

If so how did it end up?

I assume this would be the last way to burn the bridge down.

My ex was self aware something was wrong, so I decided a few days ago to tell her by e-mail.
Didn't feel like witholding info, even if I'm hated for it.


Am I, safe to assume that means it's over for good and she'll never be back? 
I'll be focusing my effort in moving on completely now.

[Curiously1]

You don't seem so sure on your decision about sending her the e-mail.

What did you think telling her she has BPD would likely achieve for you?

Did you want her back by any chance?

It is not a great idea generally speaking cos it's like telling someone there is something wrong with them and can bring some level of resistance. There surely is something dysfunctional going on but I would personally not have mentioned BPD to her.

Check this video out if you haven't already: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52pVsNlW-zo  Start at 4:37

If she recognised something was up with her and truly cared to figure it out she would have done so for herself. A light encouragement to go to a therapist would have been suffice but it would have been best if it was her idea to get help.

We cannot read her mind so it's not safe to assume.
Let us know if she responds.

[Grey Kitty]

My expectation of telling somebody close to me that they have BPD would be some mix of denial and/or anger, and likely some sort of dysregulation. But perhaps not much more than usual.

I'd also expect it to be part of the kitchen sink thrown back at you for "calling her crazy" in a future dysregulation.

I'm not sure I've heard any stories where something good came of it.

But if your ex wants to go stalker on you, or try to recycle, I wouldn't expect it to stop either of those things.

If you want to move on and never see or hear from her again, it is your job to avoid and shut down contact. Don't trust her to help you in this either!

[Pretty Woman]

In general, it isn't received well.

How would you like someone self-diagnosing you? I think BPD or not nobody would want to hear they have been judged and analyzed by a supposed loved one.

I am not saying that to be mean, I'm being honest. In my situation it was flipped on me and I was made to look like a trouble-maker.

If you are telling her so she will get help don't bank on it and what does it matter? She is not healthy for you.

I'm just looking out for you, Bud. It honestly is not a good idea. I told mine, she didn't deny it, yet she did nothing to get better.

[ShadowA]

@Curiosly

It was partially a closing goodbye letter. It wasn't a forceful way of telling her, but more compassionate and understanding.
My goal was to simply free me from being 'sure' of something.
It was holding me back, as I genuinely do care for her and hope that it may spark interest to her sometime in the future for her to get help.

I'm not hoping for reconciliation, I'm drained of the relationship. She also Monkey branched, so it's not something I want anymore.

I legit hope nothing but the best for them and their relationship. I'm just hoping she can find happiness.



Grey Kitty. She does stalk me. I've pointed this out to her in the same message. I Don't think she'll continue. But we'll see...  Was mainly curious if it still happens however.
  Tbqh, I'm surprised it is happening considering there's a new guy.


Pretty Woman.

I said it because she is self aware enough that there is a chance she may get help. If she doesn't, then at least I tried.
I don't find too much harm in it as I'm moving on anyways. However since I will always have a soft side, It would be hard for me to keep that knowledge inside if there is even a sliver of chance she may get help.

If she does get help. I don't expect her to come running back and saying 'your right' or 'let's be together' or 'let's work on things together'.  
Instead I expect her to maybe come terms with it. Perhaps introspect a bit, maybe research herself and see someone...  
Then finally her and her boyfriend can work on it together.
I don't expect me in her future at all.






In saying that, since I did do this. I've been curious of other's experiences.

[Confused108]

I told my ex that I felt she was Mis diagnosed as being bipolar and I strongly felt that she was BPD. All her actions never added up to her being Bipolar. I told her this after she ended things and I did reaserch months later.  She didn't go nuts on me she just emailed my then wife asking if we were still together and if I was still with my wife I should back off from her. My ex was my childhood friend. And turned into this monster. So yea I told my ex I thought she has BPD and it's. Nothing to be ashamed of. I even sent her a book with no response. I know she won't do anything with it bc if her denial and indecisiveness. Breaks my heart but my  Conscience is clear. And NO I will never ever take my ex back if she were to attempt a recycle. I'm more wiser and knowledgeable to what she is.

[Curiously1]

  ShadowA
Fair enough! If you don't hope for a reconiliation doing that then it shouldn't be too worrisome.
Hopefully she does have a think about it now that you have brought the idea to her.

I forgot to add. Yes I did bring up therapy to my ex and is why I know it's not a good idea from first hand experience. She told me that her family used to force her her go to therapy a lot when she was younger (apparently). I don't know if shes officially diagnosed BPD but shes the crazy type that diagnoses herself all kinds of things and pretty much fits the traits of BPD and NPD. She embraces the BPD label is all I know and mentioned to me when we first started dating. She told me shes glad I didn't run away after she disclosed the information to me because others do and yet I still didn't run away from her. She told me 'all of this describes me!' which it certainly does HOWEVER

When we were in some kind of cooling off period I mentioned that if she wants me back she will have to get therapy. She basically told me no, not to try and dare tell her she has issues and that her BPD was cured a long time ago. it's me who has the 'splitting' issues. Like 'No you do that to me!'  and she would know/recognise this because she is BPD      She did not embrace BPD then.

What else? When we did get back together I was still grieving all the emotional damage she caused me last time. I told her that I needed space and she told me I could have all the space I needed and hopes I feel better. I mentioned that couples counselling would be great for us and what she thought about it? She brought it up one time when I was about to leave her and she was desperate for me to stay. Anyway, she told me yes, she would hold my hand and support me by being with me in therapy. Again, she believed I am the only problem in our r/s.

[rzr14]

Hi ShadowA, I recently told my exBPD that I believe she had BPD after a few conversations of me talking to her about what I notice she does in our r/s. I first asked if it was okay to tell her my opinion she was okay with me telling her and that's when she told me she thinks she was(after telling me she was bipolar for how long) I think she knew for awhile I just don't know how long. It didn't end anything with the r/s, she was charming me at the time and devaluing her bf. It only made her more interested in me that I figured it all out and didn't run yet. The pray that didn't run it made her happy, excited, that her favorite toy wasn't running. She had this evil smile on her face has I asked her questions, at this point she got very brazen and wasn't afraid to tell all! I got a good look at how she thinks, she must of thought I wasn't going to run after hearing about all her thoughts. I'm still trying to get a grip on is, I even told her bf what was going on a week later. It only kept her quite for two weeks, I went full nc two weeks ago today.

All I can say is it all depends on your r/s with her. Every r/s is different but I can tell you I don't think my ex wants help, she was telling me she was getting help doing all this stuff to get better. But it was all just part of her hovering me, she new she need to tell me that to keep me interested. Best thing to do is stay n/c if you are planning on moving forward with your life.

[michel71]

I told her in frustration one time. Of course she flipped it around on me. But I said it in an email to a friend and she read it. So yeah, she knows I think she has BPD or something. She told me out of spite I have diagnosed her with every mental disorder I could think of. Well not every single one! I'll admit that. But yeah, she read I thought she might be BPD, NP or even a sociopath. I didn't mean for her to read that email... .EVER. But she did. Her problem. Not mine to explain. Plus it wouldn't do any good anyway. What's done is done.

[michel71]

Clarification: mine hacked into my phone to read the email.

[Aesir]

I think she knew on some low level something was wrong but never stated anything concrete. I did suggest getting some form of help and she balked at that stating she was afraid of the stigma. I never came out and actually said that I thought she had BPD.

[thefinalrose]

My expectation of telling somebody close to me that they have BPD would be some mix of denial and/or anger, and likely some sort of dysregulation. But perhaps not much more than usual.

My ex told me I have BPD (and used his knowledge and "authority" to informally diagnose me; he's a psychologist!) and was the only (really half-assed) reason he gave for never wanting to speak to me again. I have PTSD and depression and I've worked with many psychiatrists and therapists since 2006. Not once has any of them ever diagnosed me with BPD or even so much as mentioned it. So if I told him I'm not borderline, isn't that just denial? So how does one really know if one is borderline or not? This goes around and around in my head and eventually I believe him again and blame myself for everything, even though he himself has exhibited a borderline behavior pattern in our relationship nearly since Day 1 and was physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive, unprovoked (and when I say unprovoked, I mean I never said or did anything at all in most of those situations, not even "stop" or trying to fight back; I just let him do it).

In my situation it was flipped on me and I was made to look like a trouble-maker.

Same. Everything was always my fault. If I ever tried to talk to him about his behavior it was just me "projecting my disordered behavior onto him" (?)

[mevz]

Four months into my relationship I told him I thought he was bipolar and asked if he had acted this way with any former girlfriends. He said no and that I seemed to bring out this crazy side of him. When I spoke to my therapist, I realized it was BPD instead.

During our relationship, I'd go to my therapist sporadically, mainly each time we broke up. Then we'd get back together and I'd be embarrassed to go till the next breakup. But whenever I went to her, my bf would tell me that I was so easily influenced and always had new "perspective" each time I went to her. He'd make it sound like I didn't have a mind of my own and would just believe everything she said. She was kind of the enemy for him. Being codependent I guess I was influenced but being a therapist, she never forced her "perspective" but just helped me find my own. I guess having my own thoughts were a threat to him.

Fast forward a year later, I was so used to the craziness in our lives that I didn't focus on the term BPD anymore until almost the very end when it was totally out of hand. I told him he had BPD and his traits were textbook and that he really needed therapy. He never acknowledged and I feel he heard me and then let it go. He never took it to heart mainly because he was busy berating me for other things.

For the sake of the next girl(s) I hope he gets help, but he's so convinced nothing is wrong with him that I doubt he will.

[apollotech]

Grey Kitty:
If you want to move on and never see or hear from her again, it is your job to avoid and shut down contact. Don't trust her to help you in this either!

ShadowA,

Grey Kitty has given you excellent advice here regarding your second question. Communications/interactions can end when you decide to end them. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your well-being.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I did tell her. She told me that I was Gaslighting her. At that time I knew the relationship was over and was resigned to leave. After being with her for 3-4 months I noticed something was off. Her actions and behaviour were not normal to me. A year later she told me she was on Prozac as well and she had stopped taking them without asking her doctor. slowly the pieces of the puzzle were coming together.

[bestintentions]

ShadowA,

25 years experience here.  She knows she's ill and at times has admitted it.  No matter how self-aware she was/is... .nothing changed in my case.    Go back and read my posts for just another example of what can happen with contact.

bi