Has anyone been in TWO relationships with a BPD?

[JHKMX]

Hi guys. This is my 2nd stint on bpdfamily. 5 years ago i had a relationship with a classic BPD girl that left me so depressed and confused and this site really helped me comprehend what i was dealing with. She was a rager. Had 3 kids to 3 different men. She was a professional victim. Drug user. And had lived with 20 plus men before she was 30.  I did so much research on BPD i felt that i could never be fooled by it again. Everytime i met a girl i would find myself analysing their every word. Thought id cracked the system.

But then i met a girl that had lost her husband only 8 months previous. She had reason to be the victim, right? He died due to an alcohol / drugs binge resulting in heart failure. They were together 12 years and had 3 sons. We started dating and before i knew it we were together and in love. For the first year i saw very little signs of BPD and trust me i was looking for them.

 But then my father passed away. The lack of empathy she showed was unbelievable. She just didnt get what i was going through. From then on it became a push pull relationship. And the longer it went on it became clear she was BPD. What confused me was the different ways she expressed it though. She wasnt a rager. She was more the critical, sarcastic type. Manipulative and controlling. Just constantly trying to make me feel bad to make herself feel better. It was emotional abuse! We were together 3 years and in the end she was stringing me along waiting till the new guy got over his ex and then bam. She cuts me out her life and new guy moves in. I last had sex with her at her home on nov 5th and on the 15th nov shes spotted doing the FOOD SHOP with new guy! I mean how long would you be in a relationship before you start doing the food shop together? Anyway enough about that. My reason for this post is to express my annoyance at myself to how after reading so much on BPD that i could fall for it a second time! The traits i was looking for werent really there with the 2nd girl but the underlying issues were exactly the same. Ive read about the petulant borderline that is moody and full of negativity. Thats her to a tee.

Has anyone else ever been that unlucky (or naive) to have had 2 BPD relationships?

[Me-Time]

Yep, I've been in two BPD relationships. One right after the other. And for myself, I'd say I just haven't learned yet how to judge when someone is crossing my boundaries. And then I allow the other person to cross my boundaries by justifying - "well, everyone does things differently" or "I guess I could have done that and just not realized it" (even when I knew I hadn't even done the imaginary thing she thought I did). I'm a people pleaser, to the point where I am so flexible that I start to lose myself. And when you lose yourself, a BPD has got control of you (and then will tell you how controlling and inflexible YOU are)! I've gotten down on myself for allowing this to happen to me twice. But, really, they're verrrry good at what they do and it's often hard to see it coming. The thing we have to do is focus on ourselves and get some therapy to help ourselves learn where this people pleasing behavior is coming from and how to spot when someone is asking too much of us (or when we are offering up too much of ourselves).

[GlennT]

 Some people have been saying BPD is a tiny tiny fraction of the population therefore a chance of a second encounter is slim. I don't subscribe to this point of view. Borderlines, Narcissists, Sociopaths, all come under the label of Psychopath. They all share core psychopathic traits. According to recent studies approximately 4% (that's 1 in 25 people!) of the population have core psychopathic traits. Psychopaths are not axe-murderers, they are your boss, your neighbor, and your co-workers. And the thought that they would attend therapy to get a diagnosis is laughable for many of them. They are barely human, and lack core human empathy, so they operate on a totally different agenda. But when you get into a relationship with one of these people, YOU WILL KNOW ABOUT IT, and it's a lonely experience, because only people who have been exposed to them can RELATE to you regarding the situation. Everyone will think that you are over-reacting or that it's about sour grapes etc. I haven't been in a relationship with two, but there is a distinct possibility we can, according to recent statistics. We will need to continue to self-educate ourselves in forums like this. They are also a target specific predator, just so you know for future reference. Some of us are more susceptible than others. They hunt for compassionate, sensitive, caring, people. Along with people with low-self-esteem, poor boundaries, people who are peoplepleasers who think it's their job to make a relationship work, etc.,

[jhkbuzz]

Yes.

What I've learned is that it is all about me - my FOO (family of origin) issues and why I am drawn to unstable partners.

Therapy is invaluable in uncovering some of this stuff.

[ynwa]

Thank you for sharing.  You sound like you are working it out. 

[enlighten me]

Yep ex wife 14 years, exgf 2 1/2.

Yes BPD is a small percent of the population but if my exgf is anything to go on the number of relationships BPDs have compared to nons is a lot higher. She has been married twice, lived with at least 6 other men. numerous long term relationships before I got together with her and has had at least 5 long term relationships since we split 2 1/2 years ago. And that's not to mention one night stands or flings ( she cheated with at least 3 men on me).

[Happy1]

JHKMX,

I've been involved with three Cluster-B women. All undiagnosed, but since I've been reading about BPD for roughly 15 yrs. now, I'm pretty sure that two were BPD and one was HPD (HPD is harder to diagnose since it is in someway nuanced from BPD). My last relationship was 22 yrs. ago. The last one did me in, it hurt so bad. Like an alcoholic I'd rather abstain than attempt another chance at a destructive relationship. I've been able to maintain NC pretty much with all of them, having contact with only one once well over 10 years ago.

I'm not sure if this helps you. I got into learning about Myers-Briggs a few years ago. I'm an INFJ, which with my family dynamic (Mom was likely a BPD too, but I'm too close the situation to know for sure.) it would make sense as to why I've continued in the past to engage and be attracted to BPD/Cluster-B women.

These days, I'm not one who sees BPD everywhere, but my sense for it are a lot keener than before. In my workplace I see all kinds of mental health issues (not diagnosing anything for sure) and try to avoid these people. My encounters with the aforementioned women were out of the blue. In other words, I met them through others or without any prior context. So, essentially I didn't have much chance to observe their initial mirroring behaviors, I just thought, each time, that I'd met someone who was a good match for me. Only later to find out the truth about these individuals.

I read somewhere awhile ago, that most BPD relationships begin to show signs of difficulty at around 90-120 days. The theory being that their mirroring efforts begin to wane at this time as it takes a lot of effort on their part to masquerade that long.

Thus, far I haven't trusted myself with my judgement and have taken a long time to heal and live conflict free. This year, I've been thinking about venturing out again and trying to see if I can have a relationship. I'm feeling ready, but it's been a long process I have not regretted either (Mom died two years ago, which has helped settle things down as well).

[rzr14]

Same here, being the passive codependent I attract them. Talking with my t I never had a heathy relationship. They all had some time of pd, I'm working on myself now hopefully I won't have this problem in the future.

[Stolen]

Yep for me also. xW - 24 years married, xGF - 4 years. 

xW was textbook; dysphoric rage, unstable sense of self, emptiness, push/pull, abusive evil mother, etc.

xGF was a very different flavor, push/pull was so familiar, but the delusional jealousy and accusations  was a new one to me. Way more of a NPD leaning, and so similar to her mother... .

Common thread was my lousy boundaries. People pleaser? Codependent?  Not sure, but it seems I never met a red flag I didn't love!

[Red5]

@Stolen... ."Not sure, but it seems I never met a red flag I didn't love!"

Me2!

ex wife #1 -> 24 years
ex GF # 1 about 10 months
GF # 2 now current wife, 3.5 years dating, 6 years married... .

I seem to be drawn to the "red flags" as well... .

[Curiously1]

I read somewhere awhile ago, that most BPD relationships begin to show signs of difficulty at around 90-120 days. The theory being that their mirroring efforts begin to wane at this time as it takes a lot of effort on their part to masquerade that long.

That's really interesting Happy2. Thanks for sharing that.

I have had one BPD girlfriend and just sexual relations with another BPD which didn't last very long.

In regards to my ex, I don't know if she was telling the truth or not but when we were still together she told me that her relationships normally last 3 months on average and often less than that. I was her longest relationship thus far (10 months) and the girl longest before me was her very first gf (6 months). She has had many many relationships to count since her first gf. My replacement she met online and had an online LDR weeks after our break up for around 3-4 months then they met up, went on a holiday together and then after New Years settled in her replacements house. They met up sometime in October I think. So if we were to count the months theyve been a couple including online romance it'd be 6-7 months OR to count them being together in real life it'd only have been about 2/3 months. I wonder how long they will last. I tell myself this girl is going to break the record of being with my ex the longest since they spent longer getting to know each other intimately online but who really knows. Shouldn't care.

[FallenOne]

In today's society of so many professional victims and the whole "me me me!" attitude that people have, I wouldn't be surprised if some of the people on this board are confusing people who have true BPD diagnosis with women who are just ___y, entitled and/or immature... I was with my BPD ex for 4 years, and some of the women I dated before her were not BPD, but still had some of her traits... I also see friends dating women who have some BPD traits...

Point being... Just because someone has some traits of BPD or another personality disorder, doesn't mean they have a personality disorder. Unless they're diagnosed there's no way to be positive (and even a diagnosis isn't 100%)

[Curiously1]

  Matt. S

In the end what matters is how you felt and the impact the relationship and their behaviours had on you specifically. Forget the labels. I do not think that labels are as important as knowing how toxic the relationship was for you whether it was just traits of or full blown. Many of the tools and advice available here can apply for any dyfunctional relationship dynamic whether you are intending on dettaching or improving your relationship. As you put it, even a proper diagnosis may not be 100% or they could have been misdiagnosed however, what truly matters I think is the non feeling more empowered and in control of their own lives. Everyone deserves support if they are seeking it for themselves, not judged whether they still feel like a victim to what happened to them or not.