Hello Child of BPD mother... how to begin healing

[ForestSeeker]

Hello everyone,
 This is my first post. I am reaching out as a daughter to a mother diagnosed with Clinical Depression, BPD, and possibly Bipolar Disorder. I have known about the Clinical Depression diagnosis for many years, but did not learn about the other two until just a few days ago when I was talking with a separate family member. I was attempting to process a recent verbal lashing (from my mother), and she was able to tell me about my mother's diagnosis which had happened in 2005 while I had been out of the country for extended business. It has been both a shock, and a relief learning this.
I am here to learn more about BPD, how to begin healing, and how to restructure boundaries for future emotional protection/stability for myself and our interactions, and my children's interactions with their grandmother. I am currently a 15 hour plane ride from my mother and our primary means of communication is Facebook or telephone, but we will be moving closer in the next two years... to within a days drive or so. I am concerned of how to maintain a healthy relationship for my children's sake with their grandmother, and also how to process my own feelings right now... .which swing from relief at knowing the trauma of my late childhood and early adult life was valid (I wasn't over imagining or being overly sensitive) and it also wasn't my fault, with the grief of needing to accept the reality that this person will never be the "mom" to me I've always wished to have... .she won't be able to truly see or understand the love I have for her ever, no matter how I show it or tell it. And she will most likely never be able to have or express the love to me that I wish she was able to give. I feel like I am grieving a death, but with a person who walks the earth and is "there", but isn't. I understand it is an illness and I am not angry or resentful at her because I know deep down she can't help it, but I am just so sad that this is how things are and most likely always will be. Did anyone else go through a grieving process after learning of a diagnosis? 
I had to unfriend and block her on facebook yesterday. I have never had to do that before. I need the distance for my heart to heal and to learn right now, but just the fact I had to block my own mother... I am her only daughter. I'm struggling... .
Anyway, rather along introduction. I do see the links and the articles, and I am very excited to begin working my way through them.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome ForestSeeker:   
I can understand you feelings of both shock and relief, when learning your mom has BPD.  I'm sorry you had a recent blow up with your mom.  It can be hard to set and enforce boundaries, but you need to do that for your sanity.  The person with BPD (pwBPD) generally won't honor boundaries, so it is up to you to enforce them.  Is your father still in the picture?

Was there a certain situation/event that caused your mom to give you a verbal lashing?  Is there something going on in her life right now to make her more emotional? Both Facebook and Texting can provide opportunities for people with personality disorders to be too spontaneous and vicious. Once they take offence to some remark, the war is on.  Perhaps you might want to keep her blocked or restricted and use other methods of sharing photos and information.  (photo hosting website, where you share albums, email, snail mail, etc.)

You are correct, it is a grieving process to realize that you never had a normal relationship with your mom and probably never will.  It's okay to take a break from your mom and give you some time to sort things out.  Sounds like are aware of the various links.  As you start various lessons, it can be helpful to post and check your understanding and/or gain input about how to apply various strategies in your situation.

Sounds like you started off with some boundaries.  Boundaries are something that can serve you well going forward.   They can be adjusted, from time to time, and new ones can be put in place as needed.  You probably will want to set some boundaries in regard to your children.  If you believe you can't trust your mom to be alone with them, then you may have to never let your children stay with you mom (when you are in closer proximity)

This is a safe place to share.  We look forward to hearing more of your story.   

[DaughterOf]

Hi ForestSeeker! I like your screen name; I'm a big hiker too along with my dog. In fact, we just got back from a hike this morning.

I don't have any answers, but I wanted to connect as another daughter of a BPD mother. I also struggle with the grief you described:

the grief of needing to accept the reality that this person will never be the "mom" to me I've always wished to have... .she won't be able to truly see or understand the love I have for her ever, no matter how I show it or tell it. And she will most likely never be able to have or express the love to me that I wish she was able to give. I feel like I am grieving a death, but with a person who walks the earth and is "there", but isn't.

It's heartbreaking: to love and to know that the recipient of that love will never recognize it. I try, very hard, but my mother has BPD, which blocks her from accepting love in the way I can give it. (Of course, she'd happily accept me merging with her as I was when a child, but I can't be a sane adult without being my own person.) So I'm stuck also with a relationship that will never be what I long for. The tragedy is that my mother is also deeply dissatisfied and disappointed in our relationship. She wants things to be different. Unfortunately, BPD shows up in a way that causes her to lash out (I call it "shredding", push me away, insult me and my spouse, and otherwise make it impossible for me to be near her without putting up boundaries, having an escape plan (I always have one!), and feeling on guard.

I also experience feelings of grieving that feel like death. Unlike you, my grief arose when my mother recently received a diagnosis of a terminal illness. My grief focuses around mourning the relationship that I had still hoped for, but now know will never happen. I had been holding on to hope (even though my head knows that "curing" BPD is near impossible). Now, with this diagnosis and end of life in sight, I'm admitting that my mother won't change radically. She will never be the mother I long for and I will never have the relationship I want. My question now becomes: What kind of relationship can I have? Are there ways in which we can enjoy each other in the time we have left, ways that don't leave me feeling hollowed out, self-hating, horrible? That's what I need to figure out.

I am concerned of how to maintain a healthy relationship for my children's sake with their grandmother

I can't help much with this one. The only thing I can say is that, when I was fostering children, I knew that my #1 priority was keeping them safe. If that meant preventing them from seeing my mother, I would do it. Their health, safety, and sanity were more important than my mother's feelings. I hope there's a way that your children can have a relationship with their grandmother in a way that's healthy and sane. Perhaps have a chaperone there always? Limit the time of visits? I'm sure others will have many better ideas than I do on this one.

In any case, I'm glad you wrote in. Good to meet you and take care.

[ForestSeeker]

The person with BPD (pwBPD) generally won't honor boundaries, so it is up to you to enforce them.  Is your father still in the picture?

Thank you for the warm welcome!
No, he is not. They are divorced, so he is there for me, but not involved with my mother. She did just remarry last year to a sweet man. I don't know him very well as I live out of country, and am not very sure if he is aware of her illnesses.

You had also asked if there had been a recent event or emotional time recently, and yes and yes.

The Emotional Time-
My uncle (her brother) is terminal with liver failure. She had just found out a few days prior when his wife called to tell my mother and my aunt that he was in the hospital and the outlook was not good. I need to let it be known real quick, that my mother has a flare for the dramatic. Making attention seeking posts to the general public on facebook about health crisis, or impending deaths etc for sympathy or concern or support, but not calling her immediate family about any of them at all, is a regular occurrence for her. But because I know that side of the family is fractured, just learning that they reached out to my mother at all told me this was truly serious. So, I reacted accordingly. I stayed in close contact with my mother, texting and chatting several times a day, sending her encouragements and prayers over FB, tagging her in supportive meme's etc. She had a hard childhood and those kids pretty much raised themselves, so I knew losing her brother was going to rock her world even though she hasn't been close to him in about 20 years. I was under the impression he was dying in hospital and would not live through the weekend, and she needed all of me or anyone else to help her.

The "Event" that set her off-
 On saturday night I learned my uncle had been discharged from the hospital, is seeking treatment, and hoping to be put on a donor list! (all GREAT news!) but i didn't learn this from my mother, whom I had been in almost constant contact with. I also learned she had known about his release since the previous afternoon of the day before. So, I messaged her to ask why she hadn't told me he was released in all our talks that day. That was my mistake. To any normal person, this would be looked at as simply going to the source (at least, that was my intent.) But, (again, not knowing about the BPD) this tripped her off. She became defensive, and then offensively aggressive so quickly it was astounding to me. I tried to stand my ground by calmly and as simple as possible, stating that a quick 30 second text that he was released would have been appreciated, and as family I didn't think that was too much to ask. That was all I wrote. She continued writing some pretty mean things but I know not to get into an argument war with her so I quit speaking at all. My mother never has shown any kind of remorse for her harshness in the past. And if you try, it is quickly blame shifted onto you, and then she retreats in victimization. (i think that's the right word, still learning here.) I never want to "win". I just want to be heard. I felt she had used this situation to get the drama she wanted to emotionally manipulate "support" around her, and then when that drama lessened (when he was released) she couldn't acknowledge or tell people because that would lessen her "supportive attention". I don't know if that is true, but this is how it felt to me. I felt emotionally toyed with.
10 minutes after the event, she began posting passive aggressive things onto her page. I can't do passive aggressive with anyone, honestly. And because I had seen her do this with others, just not with me, I wanted to set that boundary quickly when I saw her begin to head that way. I sent her a message saying, "I do not do passive aggressive. If you post about me again passive aggressively, I will unfriend you. I love you very much so you need to know this, it is a boundary I set with all of my facebook friends. Don't deny it. And don't do it again." This was the last thing I wrote. I don't know why I hoped she would "hear" this after not being able to acknowledge her daughter was worth 30 seconds of her time earlier in the day. Of course she wouldn't, and of course she didn't. It makes me feel so stupid for even trying. Of course it went bad very quickly. She continued messaging some pretty hateful thing well into the night. I had to turn my phone off to sleep, and then swiped past everything in the morning without reading.
When I eventually saw her page in the morning, I saw she had posted another meme, and this one with some very foul language and name calling towards me. So, I unfriended her (like I said I would keeping the boundary I set.) Later I went back and read the messages that she had been sending me through the night, and that is when I blocked her. They were pretty bad... things triggering me all the way back to my childhood, and i didn't want her capable to send any others. And that is when the grief started.

 It has been a good 10 years since I have had to stand up to her and draw boundary lines that specific and clear. Maybe she had forgotten that I matter too, and wasn't used to being called out on it by me? I don't know... it was just so very intensely harsh and pointedly so.
And it has been about 20 years ago that a divorce during my teenage years (from my father) first tripped our role reversals where she became the adult-child, and I became the "parent" trying to calm and comfort and help and rescue and fix. I thought we had made some pretty good progress about 5 years ago at repairing our dysfunctional of roles in our relationship and regaining some of my trust with her. (this is actually about the same time she met her now new husband, so many she just transferred the support expectation from me on to him? Actually this kind of makes sense as that vacuum of support didn't become "mine" to fill until the divorce from my father... .hmmmm!)
But this... .this outburst was like nothing had changed. And took me back to so many things I have tried so hard to heal from. Such a small thing triggering so much venom. And at the end she went on and on about what an awesome mother she is (perceives herself as). But for the life of me I just can't understand how a mother could willingly emotionally sacrifice her child, for their own sake? I would never ever speak to any of my children in the way she has spoken to me. I wouldn't demand of them what she has demanded of me. I wouldn't toy with their emotions so I could feel "better". Talking to my cousin is how I learned about the BPD diagnosis.

And that brings me here... .trying to salvage what I can and mourn what I can't. And figuring out what my true responsibility is in all of this...

[ForestSeeker]

Hi DaughterOf!
 ha ha yes! A hike in the woods calms and soothes my soul more than anything. I'm a casual stroller more than a hiker though ... .just some dirt and moss and tree roots under my feet and I'm a pretty happy gal. I often call it my "nature therapy"

Thank you for relating your experience with me. It welled tears up from deep within to read your experience has been similar and you could relate to my words. I am sorry you have had to endure what you have. I am so sorry to hear about your mother's terminal illness. And of course it is only natural that you are in effect, grieving loss now as the impending loss waits to come. That's a lot. I am so sorry for your heart. Learning of my Uncle's terminal illness has made me wonder how might I react when it is my mother's turn to go, and those thoughts were hard for me also. So please know, you have so much of my hearts compassion. <3

 I also very much value your advice regarding my children. You are so right. If I fostered I would naturally be fiercely protective because they have already gone through so much as it is... so why would I do anything less with my own children? Thank you for sharing that. I think it will help later to remember it in that way and context. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome ForestSeeker! 

So glad you have come and joined our family! There are so many others here, like you, who will be able to relate very quickly to the situation you are in. We are learning how to cope and heal from the effects of having someone with BPD in our family and what we can do about it. There is so much to discover and read! I'm sure you will be overwhelmed for quite some time. Take all the time you need as you educate yourself. Have you taken a look at the list on the right side ----->> > Any sentence you click on will expand into a larger explanation. It is a great place to begin.

I am reaching out as a daughter to a mother diagnosed with Clinical Depression, BPD, and possibly Bipolar Disorder. I have known about the Clinical Depression diagnosis for many years, but did not learn about the other two until just a few days ago when I was talking with a separate family member.

Are you still reeling from the sudden revelation about your mom? It can knock the feet right out from under you, can't it? On one hand it is a huge relief to finally find something that makes sense, and then on the other, it is a startling realization because not only does it have a name, but it also affects you. In other words, not only is she a BPD, but now you realize you are an adult child survivor of a pwBPD. When I first learned that there was something called 'BPD,' I was astonished, and since I didn't trust my own judgement (very typical of an adult child survivor), I had to ask other family members what they thought. Thus my journey of discovery began. 

It is very common for all the diagnosis you mentioned to go hand in hand with a borderline. Borderline touches on the 'borders' of other mental illnesses. My uBPDm also showed many other traits, including Bipolar, histrionic, ADHD, eating disorders, etc. Have you read any books about BPD yet?  My first and favorite book so far is

Surviving a Borderline Parent

It has been so helpful to me, and it is a great book to start with.

Once again, welcome, and keep sharing!

 
Wools