Just a small lightbulb moment

[Keef]

I just remembered what my ex told me after one of her psychologist meetings this late autumn. She'd been discussing her family and their complicated relations to her T. He'd apparently told her "What, don't you think you can have both negative and positive feelings simultaneously towards your parents? Feelings such as love and resent?" This question and posed conception seemed to really have surprised her.

Another box ticked. For me this affirms that noone close is safe from the splitting. I of course already knew she did this to all her siblings as well as to her parents, however, in hindsight for me this is further proof of her disorder.

[ynwa]

This is something I asked my uBPD recently.  That could she see that someone could be angry and still love the person. That one does not cancel out the other.  That I could be angry and disappointed, which would pass, but through it I loved her.   She could not see it.  It's common and part of their traits.   

It's helped me see that life apart from her might be best. That the closer I get to her, or anyone else for that matter the more she can't handle it.

She splits her family, and even friends, people at work.  The intensity is in how close she is with the person.

[vortex of confusion]

That might explain some of ex's behavior.

He and I tried an open relationship (It wasn't open as much as it was him screwing around and lying about it.) It would baffle me that he couldn't talk to these other women without a smear campaign against me. I was like, ":)ude, why are you saying that stuff? Our agreement was to be honest. Why do you need to lie? Why can't we still love each other and be together for the kids and quietly do stuff on the side in a way that is respectful to all parties involved?"

We had discussed conscious uncoupling and a bunch of other stuff that would have given the kids an in tact home while finding creative ways to address both of our dissatisfaction with our relationship. Of course, he would tell me that he wasn't dissatisfied. He would tell me that everything was great and wonderful and I was the best thing since sliced bread. If I was the best thing since sliced bread, why did he need those other women? And why the heck did he have to rake me over the coals? He could have told them all kinds of true things about me that would have shed me in a negative light. Oh no, he had to make up lies to paint me black to fit his agenda.

He had to hate me and say bad things about me with other women and be rude and disrespectful to me. It had to be all one way or the other. He couldn't find a middle ground. And then he would lie about it all.

[Duped 1]

Long before I knew anything about BPD mine would say: "I'm black and white" often. I had no idea this was about splitting.

[Keef]

  Duped 1 I hear you! I remember something similar. Walking home with her last autumn, before we knew eachother very well, hearing her say "I'm very much an all-or-nothing person." I knew since earlier of her bipolar II diagnosis, but I didn't know much of bipolarity and even less of BPD. So I'd put it down to the bipolar II and her just being a very passionate person.

I also remember thinking "hmm, ok we'll see what that means". The rest is history.

These memories... .future lightbulbs.