He says he feels fine about polyamory, etc.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

He is about to go to Europe and be with his other woman. I hate it and feel jealous. He won't talk about it much. I say, ok, you want to be polyamorous, people do that. But talking about what that means is important to everyone. He just refuses, gets frustrated, and just wants to live the little time he has left in this life without worrying about it. If people want to accept him great, if not, fine.

I'm pissed he won't talk about it. I said people's feelings are involved. I am the one putting pressure on him and so I am the evil one.

I should just get rid of him.  He contradicts himself:  jealous that this man might be interested in me.  But today says he isn't the jealous type.   He just takes all kinds of relationships as whatever they are---friends, or touching, or whatever.

At times, he wants to have sex and feels close to me and wonders why he is leaving me for Europe, and then can't get on the plane.  I am supposed to take care of him around all of that anxiety about leaving, and extend his stay here until he figures things out.

I have no idea if he likes me at all, frankly. Or, if it is just because I let him stay at my apt (he is homeless by choice) and about to stay for free with other woman. He may stay there for a long time. Or not. If not, he wants an apt near me because I think, he has no where else to go for now. But he wants his freedom to live his life out the way he needs to.

I am so angry that he stifles my talking about this. He also has issues about spending any money on himself.  He pays me rent weekly since he has been here 5 months unexpectedly. But he has missed a few weeks and I have to walk on eggshells; I get the evil eye when I ask. He can't take an honorable stance and just pay me because it's the right thing to do. I am low-income, and this isn't just a visit, he is staying with me almost half the year.

Plus, of course, there is no commitment. He isn't my boyfriend. Yet he wants to be invited to my family's xmas celebration. You get the scene. He just wants a home and a mother figure without having to give any more than he wants to.  He can't understand that feelings get hurt. Mine and hers.

I am so damn angry right now.

[anna58]

He is about to go to Europe and be with his other woman. I hate it and feel jealous. He won't talk about it much. I say, ok, you want to be polyamorous, people do that. But talking about what that means is important to everyone. He just refuses, gets frustrated, and just wants to live the little time he has left in this life without worrying about it. If people want to accept him great, if not, fine.

I'm pissed he won't talk about it. I said people's feelings are involved. I am the one putting pressure on him and so I am the evil one.

I should just get rid of him.  He contradicts himself:  jealous that this man might be interested in me.  But today says he isn't the jealous type.   He just takes all kinds of relationships as whatever they are---friends, or touching, or whatever.

At times, he wants to have sex and feels close to me and wonders why he is leaving me for Europe, and then can't get on the plane.  I am supposed to take care of him around all of that anxiety about leaving, and extend his stay here until he figures things out.

I have no idea if he likes me at all, frankly. Or, if it is just because I let him stay at my apt (he is homeless by choice) and about to stay for free with other woman. He may stay there for a long time. Or not. If not, he wants an apt near me because I think, he has no where else to go for now. But he wants his freedom to live his life out the way he needs to.

I am so angry that he stifles my talking about this. He also has issues about spending any money on himself.  He pays me rent weekly since he has been here 5 months unexpectedly. But he has missed a few weeks and I have to walk on eggshells; I get the evil eye when I ask. He can't take an honorable stance and just pay me because it's the right thing to do. I am low-income, and this isn't just a visit, he is staying with me almost half the year.

Plus, of course, there is no commitment. He isn't my boyfriend. Yet he wants to be invited to my family's xmas celebration. You get the scene. He just wants a home and a mother figure without having to give any more than he wants to.  He can't understand that feelings get hurt. Mine and hers.

I am so damn angry right now.

[Notwendy]

Polyamory isn't my thing but I have read several threads about it here.

IMHO, if someone chooses this, then they have to be able to manage several things. First is communication about it. I think polyamory requires openness, honesty, and communication to work- not just with one person but with as many romantic partners as one is involved with.

I also think it requires managing emotions. I think jealousy and insecurity are human feelings and these would come up with polyamory.

Here is what I have observed: pw BPD have weak skills when it comes to openness, honesty, mature conversations and they also have difficulty managing strong feelings like jealousy and insecurity- with even one other person. Then polyamory adds more people to this.

I have read situations where the person with BPD thinks it is OK in theory for their partner to be polyamorous, but when it happens, they have a hard time with the emotions this invokes.

IMHO, I think polyamory to a pwBPD is more about it being OK for them, but not OK for the other person.

Considering a polyamorous relationship really comes down to our own boundaries. Are we ok with it? If not, then being with a partner who wants to be polyamorous is not a compatible match. If we are OK with it, then we have to ask if our partner has the maturity and emotional skills to manage it ( and so we). If not, then consider that polyamory is not a good idea - either for us or with the other person.

If we are not OK with them thinking they can do it but we can't- then that is a boundary we have to consider when deciding if this is a compatible match or not.

It all comes down to how you feel about this with him. Not how he feels about this with you.

[formflier]

I am so damn angry right now.

Tell me more about the source of the anger... .whose choices have stirred this up?

FF

[anna58]

Thanks for the responses.

What is the source of the anger? Angry at myself for putting up with this crap. I don't accept polyamory for myself or anyone I'm involved with. And I am not convinced he really is into it either. He didn't use that term, but thinks it is ok to have more than one partner. At other times he will say he doesn't want to be like his father who traveled as a salesman and had a woman in every port, while married to his mother. Finally, the father got kicked out.  He IS like his father except not married and no kids. It's like being a dry drunk (no drink, but same behaviors).

Anyway, I am upset with myself for not being able to set the big boundary of getting him out of here. He is supposed to leave tomorrow (has had many dates to leave of his own volition, then has panic attack or other problem and doesn't leave).

I know it is about setting boundaries. I have set some smaller ones, which is progress for me. I feel sad and ashamed of myself for living with this for so long.  The verbal/emotional abuse is like this:  affectionate and hand-holding, then says he shouldn't be here (staying with me in the town I'm in); holding my hand tightly when at coffee shop with friend, but he is just "hiding out" from his life at my place. Etc. etc.

Thank you for listening, friends.

[Kate Noel]

I feel for you with this.  My husband and I now live separately.  He claims friends with benefits is all he can offer.  Depending on who we meet and his mood he introduces me as his ex-partner, mother of his son or sometimes even wife.  He allows me to introduce him as my husband.  I don't like any of it.  I love him and have been a good wife and think I deserve to be with someone who feels proud to be my life partner.  He wants freedom.  He says he will not ever be in any other relationships again implying being with me has been the last straw but his father had affairs on his mother all the time and because he keeps me away from lots of people in his life I fear he could be having relationships with others.  The pwBPD and narcissistic traits can value independence greatly yet feel conflicted because they want a normal family life at times too but get to overwhelmed by commitment and responsibility.  It's very hard hey