Introduction

[Bruinbelle88]

My mother hasn't been official diagnosed with BPD but based on all my reading to try to gain coping mechanisms to handle these negative exchanges plus discussions with my therapist have led me here. I'm 46 with two children (17 and 12). I've battled self-esteem issues and low confidence my whole life. I'm an only child. My oldest vehemently disikes my mother and my youngest is growing impatient with these negative interactions.

My mother recently moved to the same city I live in. She is retired and has few friends or social activities. I'm it and it feels like I'm suffocating most of the time.

I'm struggling with setting boundaries and my resentment is growing. It seems no matter what I do I always end up being told I don't care about her. She blows past the weak boundaries I set. By joining this group, I'm hoping to find some coping mechanisms to deal and learn set stronger boundaries without guilt.

[livednlearned]

Hi Bruinbelle88,

Not easy that she moved to the same city! Absence can make the heart grow relieved  

What are some of the boundaries you're trying to set with her? How does she blow by them? People with BPD tend to not do as you ask, they do as they please. We have to be able to state our boundary and then enforce it, which is not easy with a parent.

Also, it sounds like she accuses you of not caring about her when she is guilty of not caring about you and your needs  

My father is remarkable at doing this. It wasn't until I was in my 40s I realized he masterfully pointed out my shortcomings, I became distracted by those shortcomings, meanwhile his were worse and in plain sight and there was an unspoken rule they must never be addressed.

What is an example of a boundary you set, that she blew past?

[Kwamina]

Hi Bruinbell88 and welcome to  bpdfamily

Dealing with a BPD parent can be very difficult indeed and I an very much relate to the 'suffocating' feeling you describe. When I lived with my undiagnosed BPD mother, this was exactly how I often felt, like I couldn't breathe.

... .all my reading to try to gain coping mechanisms to handle these negative exchanges

Could you perhaps tell us some more about the coping mechanisms you've explored so far? Are there things that perhaps worked better for you than others?

Many of our members have also struggled with self-esteem and confidence issues. Do you perhaps feel like you've internalized your mother's negative critical voice?

Take care

The Board Parrot