My DIL and I are both BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been in treatment for BPD symptoms for decades and have improved greatly (menopause helped - not sure why). I long ago told my kids what my problem is and let them get on with their lives (largely) unencumbered by my fears, but am now faced with next-generation effects of what I was.

My oldest son - who also may be on the spectrum - is living with a woman (for the past three years) who is also very clearly BPD. Abandoned by her parents at birth and raised by a grandmother (but mostly in an English boarding school, where she claims to have been bullied by students and staff, alike), this 32-year-old woman has done some incredible things in her attempt to separate my son from his family.

She moved in with him 3 weeks after they met on OK Cupid (a reflection of trouble on his end, as well) and promptly quit her job, where, not surprisingly, everyone was "against her and abusive to her." She did nothing for a year-and-a-half waiting for a new work visa, and then had trouble with "abusive" co-workers in two more jobs. During her unemployment, she would contribute by cooking meals and doing the grocery shopping for her and my son, although they did have two significant break-ups where my son came home for a week and told her to get out while he was gone (details in a minute). She didn't budge (his apartment; his lease), but was always ready with affection and remorse upon his return. My son comes from significant money on his father's side and is completing his articles now to be called to the bar in June - my (common-law) DIL is back to being unemployed and spends her days taking care of a kitten she brought home without consulting my son and socializing with older ladies (she be-friends a lot of women significantly older than I and gets a lot of "free stuff" from them including three bicycles, a cell phone, clothes, and furniture - after a while, these "friends" become "crazy"  by her description and she casts them aside). She no longer cares for their home, regularly cooks, or does the shopping without his company in the evening. She constantly complains to anyone who will listen (including neighbors, all these elderly ladies, me and one of his brothers, on their last visit) that my son is neglectful - no gifts, no dates... .But this is all his problem.

My problem is that she is trying her best (and has the full three years) to separate my son from me (especially) and his two brothers. She encourages a relationship with his father (a nice guy) because he is a millionaire and I think she may also imagine that that will hurt me more (being shunned is hurtful regardless of other relationships - she is thinking like a Borderline!). She was furious when my son went to see his father without her, once, but often makes him come home to my house alone (in hope he will not come, at all). I will provide one example of something she has done to give you an idea of what i am dealing with:

I have always been comfortable leaving my FB and email open with my sons in the house - nothing would bore them more than finding out what I am sending to folks (and they are all on FB with me, anyway)! I was out for the day two years ago and while I was out, my DIL searched her name in my email and found three emails - two were newsy reports to friends in which I stated that my son was dating a lovely young woman; the third was sent to a very old, very close friend who lives across the country and with whom I have a relationship in which we mutually share concerns about our kids. I told him that she was a lovely woman and great company but that apparently (based on an argument they had engaged in right in front of me - so nothing should have surprised her) she lies and manipulates quite a bit and that I was concerned about her having moved in and quit her job so quickly, given the fortune of my son's dad (and my son's own earning power as a one-day lawyer).

Her response (after committing this egregious transgression of my privacy) was to remove my son from my FB Friends (we re-connected later!) and to create a fake email account in the name of a woman who was coordinator for a volunteer position my DIL had been in for two weeks at that point. From this fake account, she sent herself a copy of the email with my friend's name and messages redacted but everything I had said in tact. Unfortunately, my friend had told me in the thread that he had a favorite child - so my message included a lengthy paragraph about having shifting "favourites," stating jokingly who the current one was but then  - happily - going on to list the wonderful qualities of all my sons and ending with "so I guess instead of no favourites, I have three favourites." She redacted that part and left in the part where I jokingly tossed off a name of a current favourite - my youngest (because I wasn't worried about him at the moment!).

When they arrived home the following day, my DIL pretended to my son that she had received this alarming copy of my email message (the message was 6 months old) from her volunteer coordinator (in whose name she had created the fake account), who had somehow received it 6 months before, had kept it, and then had magically MET my daughter-in-law (she didn't know me at all and lives in another city) and figured out that this message was about HER! This is not only severely mentally disturbed behavior, it was also illegal - she could have been jailed for ten years and I now wish I had turned her in while I could. After several upset calls and texts between me and my son (he was most concerned about how I had "betrayed" the DIL by telling my friend my concerns and only laughingly said that he saw who my favorite was), the truth was out. He left her and told her to move out of his apartment - when he went back a week later she was just sitting there and went into damage control. They somehow reconciled. I shared the full email (grateful I had saved it) with all three sons, so they could see that I had three favorites and to get the power over the redacted message out of her hands. The good outcome of this was that my son's brothers will have nothing to do with her beyond common courtesy and that I was able to warn his dad to keep his private matters closed in her presence.

I am going on too long, but with BPD, it is always a long and convoluted story - there is much more, but suffice it for now to say that my son now tries to visit monthly for a weekend, although she does everything in her power to keep him from doing so. He has asked me not to let her know that he has shared even good news about her (she has referred to me as the "gossip train," although I tell nobody about her doings and do not have that nature; I learned of this when he recently got angry with me for congratulating her in a text to both of them - as all communications to her are now copied to him, also, so she cannot twist what I have said - on becoming the volunteer webmaster for an older lady who runs the gym in their new community). He and I do online gaming together for two hours most evenings, as this is a way for me to keep him in my life, but it is disheartening to know that she will grind away at his relationship with me over the years and I am very sad that he is living on eggshells, after all the personal work i have done to make their lives better and BPD-free.


 

[Meg001]

I have been in treatment for BPD symptoms for decades and have improved greatly (menopause helped - not sure why). I long ago told my kids what my problem is and let them get on with their lives (largely) unencumbered by my fears, but am now faced with next-generation effects of what I was.

My oldest son - who also may be on the spectrum - is living with a woman (for the past three years) who is also very clearly BPD. Abandoned by her parents at birth and raised by a grandmother (but mostly in an English boarding school, where she claims to have been bullied by students and staff, alike), this 32-year-old woman has done some incredible things in her attempt to separate my son from his family.

She moved in with him 3 weeks after they met on OK Cupid (a reflection of trouble on his end, as well) and promptly quit her job, where, not surprisingly, everyone was "against her and abusive to her." She did nothing for a year-and-a-half waiting for a new work visa, and then had trouble with "abusive" co-workers in two more jobs. During her unemployment, she would contribute by cooking meals and doing the grocery shopping for her and my son, although they did have two significant break-ups where my son came home for a week and told her to get out while he was gone (details in a minute). She didn't budge (his apartment; his lease), but was always ready with affection and remorse upon his return. My son comes from significant money on his father's side and is completing his articles now to be called to the bar in June - my (common-law) DIL is back to being unemployed and spends her days taking care of a kitten she brought home without consulting my son and socializing with older ladies (she be-friends a lot of women significantly older than I and gets a lot of "free stuff" from them including three bicycles, a cell phone, clothes, and furniture - after a while, these "friends" become "crazy"  by her description and she casts them aside). She no longer cares for their home, regularly cooks, or does the shopping without his company in the evening. She constantly complains to anyone who will listen (including neighbors, all these elderly ladies, me and one of his brothers, on their last visit) that my son is neglectful - no gifts, no dates... .But this is all his problem.

My problem is that she is trying her best (and has the full three years) to separate my son from me (especially) and his two brothers. She encourages a relationship with his father (a nice guy) because he is a millionaire and I think she may also imagine that that will hurt me more (being shunned is hurtful regardless of other relationships - she is thinking like a Borderline!). She was furious when my son went to see his father without her, once, but often makes him come home to my house alone (in hope he will not come, at all). I will provide one example of something she has done to give you an idea of what i am dealing with:

I have always been comfortable leaving my FB and email open with my sons in the house - nothing would bore them more than finding out what I am sending to folks (and they are all on FB with me, anyway)! I was out for the day two years ago and while I was out, my DIL searched her name in my email and found three emails - two were newsy reports to friends in which I stated that my son was dating a lovely young woman; the third was sent to a very old, very close friend who lives across the country and with whom I have a relationship in which we mutually share concerns about our kids. I told him that she was a lovely woman and great company but that apparently (based on an argument they had engaged in right in front of me - so nothing should have surprised her) she lies and manipulates quite a bit and that I was concerned about her having moved in and quit her job so quickly, given the fortune of my son's dad (and my son's own earning power as a one-day lawyer).

Her response (after committing this egregious transgression of my privacy) was to remove my son from my FB Friends (we re-connected later!) and to create a fake email account in the name of a woman who was coordinator for a volunteer position my DIL had been in for two weeks at that point. From this fake account, she sent herself a copy of the email with my friend's name and messages redacted but everything I had said in tact. Unfortunately, my friend had told me in the thread that he had a favorite child - so my message included a lengthy paragraph about having shifting "favourites," stating jokingly who the current one was but then  - happily - going on to list the wonderful qualities of all my sons and ending with "so I guess instead of no favourites, I have three favourites." She redacted that part and left in the part where I jokingly tossed off a name of a current favourite - my youngest (because I wasn't worried about him at the moment!).

When they arrived home the following day, my DIL pretended to my son that she had received this alarming copy of my email message (the message was 6 months old) from her volunteer coordinator (in whose name she had created the fake account), who had somehow received it 6 months before, had kept it, and then had magically MET my daughter-in-law (she didn't know me at all and lives in another city) and figured out that this message was about HER! This is not only severely mentally disturbed behavior, it was also illegal - she could have been jailed for ten years and I now wish I had turned her in while I could. After several upset calls and texts between me and my son (he was most concerned about how I had "betrayed" the DIL by telling my friend my concerns and only laughingly said that he saw who my favorite was), the truth was out. He left her and told her to move out of his apartment - when he went back a week later she was just sitting there and went into damage control. They somehow reconciled. I shared the full email (grateful I had saved it) with all three sons, so they could see that I had three favorites and to get the power over the redacted message out of her hands. The good outcome of this was that my son's brothers will have nothing to do with her beyond common courtesy and that I was able to warn his dad to keep his private matters closed in her presence.

I am going on too long, but with BPD, it is always a long and convoluted story - there is much more, but suffice it for now to say that my son now tries to visit monthly for a weekend, although she does everything in her power to keep him from doing so. He has asked me not to let her know that he has shared even good news about her (she has referred to me as the "gossip train," although I tell nobody about her doings and do not have that nature; I learned of this when he recently got angry with me for congratulating her in a text to both of them - as all communications to her are now copied to him, also, so she cannot twist what I have said - on becoming the volunteer webmaster for an older lady who runs the gym in their new community). He and I do online gaming together for two hours most evenings, as this is a way for me to keep him in my life, but it is disheartening to know that she will grind away at his relationship with me over the years and I am very sad that he is living on eggshells, after all the personal work i have done to make their lives better and BPD-free.


 

[TDeer]

I want to give you a great big hug!

What a terribly difficult situation you're in!

It sounds like your son is still working to keep you in his life, though. That's good.

It sounds like this will be quite the journey.

I'm no expert in BPD, but I wanted to give you my two cents, which is that you did the right thing by showing your sons the original FB message yourself instead of trying to make your common law DIL show them the truth. Many people may have tried and wasted their time and energy trying to get someone else to do something.


Good luck and hang in there.

[Meg001]

Not sure how to reply to replies, but thank you for supportiveness! Fortunately, I have BPD history myself (nothing like these behaviors, but I do get it) and know not to try to address anything with her.

[TDeer]

I'm guessing that you're most focused on your relationship with your son whose common law wife has BPD?

If so, then doesn't it show a strong relationship that he's not giving up on that he plays video games with you every evening?

I don't know many men who spend so much time in any fashion with their moms every single day unless they still live with them.

Are you in therapy yourself? If so, then obviously you might consider what you'd like to do about the situation and run it by your therapist and/or ask him/her for input.

Perhaps if you ever want to have contact with the common law DIL again, if you ever get to that place, then you would be sure to have your son read through everything you intend to extend to her as well as your therapist.

I've been working on my MIL pwBPD relationship (it's definitely important to my husband and he appreciates it a lot). My husband appreciates my efforts even though his mother is currently not even acknowledging me. (long story)

So although he sticks up for me when and how he can and when and how he knows is most wise, he knows that certain things, unless we want world war 3 over silly things, have to be ignored for now at least.

Just know that your son will appreciate any effort you make to keep your relationship with him, especially if it means ignoring your common law DIL's bad behaviors and dealing directly with him instead.

It definitely sounds like you're on the right track. You post sounded clear-headed, which is difficult to do in such a fraught situation.

Keep working with your son. Ask him periodically if there's anything that he thinks might help the situation. Even if you want to gag rather than be civil to her, it may be worth it for your son's sake. It sounds like he knows her behavior is bad or he wouldn't have you copy him on all communication to her.

It's hard to be on either end of the MIL / DIL dynamic, especially when BPD is involved.

What's helped me a little, in conjunction with my husband / therapist / bpdfamily / reading is MIL / DIL books such as reluctantly related.

It sounds like the author of the books (not me!) (www.drdeannabrann.com/books) would label your DIL "Wacky Wanda". Just like my MIL pwBPD.

You know it's not personal that your common law DIL does what she does, right? Although it must feel very individualized.  

I continue wishing you the best, but I think you'll navigate this better than you might believe since you're already reaching out for help, you already know what BPD is, etc.

[Meg001]

Thanks so much - the decision to copy him on all correspondence with her was made by me just two weeks ago.

They had both been here to visit and I had gone for a walk with her to take some photos (I am a photography buff and she loves to have her photo taken) and try to bond a bit. She took the opportunity to tell a number of lies regarding terrible things my mother had allegedly said to her about me (have since sorted it out with my mom - an NPD, so it's complicated). She also complained that my son never gives her gifts (I have seen him give her gifts and was with him when he bought her a diamond engagement ring two months ago, although he has not yet decided to give it to her). She made these complaints in anticipation of her birthday, which occurred 3 days after the weekend in question.

On the day of her birthday, I texted her a greeting and said (lightly, in light of her complaints) that I hoped my son had given her a nice gift. She sent a diatribe of complaints about how he'd done nothing, etcetera. I stupidly, and lightly, texted that he should have given her something; only then did she report that he had tried to take her to dinner and that he thinks that is a gift. She declined dinner, and he went about his evening. I told her that dinner IS a gift and that I had always loved to receive that as a gift. Well, she took the message where I said he should have given her a gift and showed it to him - lured me in and threw me under the bus. He texted me angrily the next morning and he and I worked it out, but she is with him every day trying to chip away at things such that he has now asked me not to mention ANYTHING he tells me about her to her (even good things) which means she has a gag order on him and is saying I can't be trusted.

And yes, my son is a gamer and pushed me for several months to join him there - I finally did and am glad I did, although I have hobbies of my own, so play just four times a week! I must be the highest level over-50 woman on WOW!

I do continue in therapy, as it is important for anyone with BPD history to always keep on top of one's behaviors and motives. I will check out the link you sent - looks interesting. It's just that I am constantly having to keep my own abandonment issues at bay, and am trying not to get into it with her. And he basically wants to ignore the whole problem, really - no talk about it, let's just game! So I think my son is into some escapism in the evenings after a long day in the law office (currently to my advantage in some ways), and I'm just heartsick to think of having BPD once again dominate my life and thoughts. Always having to think about the minutest details of social interactions; always walking on eggshells; strategizing instead of just loving in my closest relationships. Sigh... .thanks all for reading this.

I will check your suggestions. Oh, and I very much sympathize with your situation, as well... .so difficult to have to let slide someone's machinations and crazy-making behaviors. And, yes, I know that she is not totally in control of it and that it's not about me - problem is, I don't think she is yet in a place to truly love my son, and that makes me very sad.