So does anyone think its a big deal?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Long story short, my divorce from my ex wife, who just up and left, let me bring the kids home from a trip with my family and shocking them with no warning, well, it didn't go well. Cost us a ton of money, but I got custody of our children. She has never been a great mother, she is more into playing the poor pitiful me person. She is lazy, and of course didn't take care of herself.

After our divorce settled, she moved into a house with her 6th grade boyfriend. I wasn't upset about it, I didn't want her, and even if they had an affair it doesn't matter, I didn't want her, and we don't work.

So anyway, things were pretty combatitive for about the first 17 months. Then this past summer, when she dropped the kids off, her boyfriend wanted to talk to me. It lasted about 45 minutes, and he shared his concerns with me about the boys behavior, and I told him I didn't have an issue with him, the boys went to his house, and were told they had to mind him and follow his rules.

That led to us beginning to talk and work together.

Fast forward to last week. My brother in law has stage 4 colon cancer. His time here is short and I let her know. It seemed like it was really coming to an end last week, so I emailed her and asked her to have the kids write their uncle a letter. She met me the next day after she dropped the kids off at school. I had the GF on my bluetooth when I met her to get the letters the kids did.

Well she likes to talk, and I ended up spending 20 minutes trying to "get away". She asked if I minded if she went to the funeral, and I said no. I finally said, I really have to get to work, she says ok, can I get a hug? I gave her a hug and left/

So I told GF that I got a hug, a full on boobie hug. No big deal right? OH NO! Yesterday, a full 5 days later, it's a big deal. It's inappropriate. I don't need to do that again, etc.

I said, ok, you know I am a codependent people pleaser. I didn't want to hurt her feelings (which means I WANTED TO HURT MY GF's) and I was not prepared for her to ask me that, and never in a million years thought she would. I didn't want to hug her either, but... .given the circumstances, I just sucked it up, and got it over with.

So does anyone think its a big deal? My GF is hot, my ex is not. She is now married, and I wouldn't ever take her back, no matter what she looks like.

She got so mad, she was like I am gonna full boobie and crotch hug my ex. I was like, knock yourself out. If you need to be vindictive, have at it.

[Lockjaw]

Long story short, my divorce from my ex wife, who just up and left, let me bring the kids home from a trip with my family and shocking them with no warning, well, it didn't go well. Cost us a ton of money, but I got custody of our children. She has never been a great mother, she is more into playing the poor pitiful me person. She is lazy, and of course didn't take care of herself.

After our divorce settled, she moved into a house with her 6th grade boyfriend. I wasn't upset about it, I didn't want her, and even if they had an affair it doesn't matter, I didn't want her, and we don't work.

So anyway, things were pretty combatitive for about the first 17 months. Then this past summer, when she dropped the kids off, her boyfriend wanted to talk to me. It lasted about 45 minutes, and he shared his concerns with me about the boys behavior, and I told him I didn't have an issue with him, the boys went to his house, and were told they had to mind him and follow his rules.

That led to us beginning to talk and work together.

Fast forward to last week. My brother in law has stage 4 colon cancer. His time here is short and I let her know. It seemed like it was really coming to an end last week, so I emailed her and asked her to have the kids write their uncle a letter. She met me the next day after she dropped the kids off at school. I had the GF on my bluetooth when I met her to get the letters the kids did.

Well she likes to talk, and I ended up spending 20 minutes trying to "get away". She asked if I minded if she went to the funeral, and I said no. I finally said, I really have to get to work, she says ok, can I get a hug? I gave her a hug and left/

So I told GF that I got a hug, a full on boobie hug. No big deal right? OH NO! Yesterday, a full 5 days later, it's a big deal. It's inappropriate. I don't need to do that again, etc.

I said, ok, you know I am a codependent people pleaser. I didn't want to hurt her feelings (which means I WANTED TO HURT MY GF's) and I was not prepared for her to ask me that, and never in a million years thought she would. I didn't want to hug her either, but... .given the circumstances, I just sucked it up, and got it over with.

So does anyone think its a big deal? My GF is hot, my ex is not. She is now married, and I wouldn't ever take her back, no matter what she looks like.

She got so mad, she was like I am gonna full boobie and crotch hug my ex. I was like, knock yourself out. If you need to be vindictive, have at it.

[livednlearned]

Are you looking for validation?

Needing to vent?

Solutions?

 

[Lockjaw]

I am just curious if anyone thinks its a big deal for starters.

Then I am curious why it would not be an issue, and then 5 or 6 days later it is.

She made it out like me and my EX are BFF's, and we talk and text all the time. Which is not true.

[formflier]

 
First of all... .sorry for the apparent loss you will be suffering soon.  I hope you can spend time with your brother in law.  I also hope you can be extra kind to yourself.

On to your questions.  At this point, I don't have enough understanding to say if it is a big deal or not.  I'll offer some questions below.


Why share details of a hug that was between you and someone else?

If it's not a big deal... .why share it at all? 

What good could possibly come of sharing it?


FF

[Grey Kitty]

Two issues here:

1. You gave your ex a full contact hug. Even though you aren't romantically or sexually interested in her anymore. It wasn't a big deal to you.

Presumably, your ex didn't interpret this as leading to anything inappropriate with you either.

I don't see a problem.

2. Your GF is jealous and upset.

A couple options here--either it is that she has different standards and values than you do aobu tthis... .or just that she dysregulated over it. (Perhaps you said something invalidating to her at the time?)

If it isn't important to you to have this kind of physical contact with your ex, you could tell your GF that you will stop, and do so. It might prevent future incidents.

OTOH, if your GF is crazy-jealous of any contact you have with your ex, who you co-parent with, you might need to make a stand on this issue sometime soon. Being consistent on that kind of boundary will give you much much much better results.

Set aside your GF's dysregulation for a moment, and decide what you think is the right thing to do regarding limits with your ex.

OK, Issue #3: Your GF decided to blow up and "make it a big deal" just now.

[Notwendy]

Hi Lockjaw,

I'm more concerned about the description of your hug than the fact that you hugged your ex.

If it was not a big deal- then why tell your GF? I hope you didn't call it that when you told her. Not all hugs are sexual in nature- but the way you described it- is sexual.

When someone hugs someone else, in a non-sexual way- it is often an attempt to comfort someone else. You are going through a difficult time. Your ex did a comforting gesture- as someone who cares- that is all of it. I would bet - at a funeral, there are a lot of hugs. In context- they are just comforting hugs- non sexual- unless someone makes them that.

[formflier]

  but the way you described it- is sexual.
 

I was having a hard time expressing that... .so I skipped it.  Sometimes simply said is better.

I'm a guy, when I read your description... .it seemed to me to be a very sexual act.  If it was described to your GF in this way... .I could easily see how she would find this "taunting". 

Note... .this is based on an assumption your description to GF was similar to the description to us. 

If the descriptions were different... .I would want to understand that as well.

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Way I read that was Lockjaw was being sarcastic or such calling it a front boobie hug, ! But likely better to hear what he says cause idk either. ( Thought though he was using her language used at him after the fact... .or it was some kinda "inside" joke/language between them... .but yea, idk. Will see what he says.)

I said, ok, you know I am a codependent people pleaser. I didn't want to hurt her feelings (which means I WANTED TO HURT MY GF's) and I was not prepared for her to ask me that, and never in a million years thought she would. I didn't want to hug her either, but... .given the circumstances, I just sucked it up, and got it over with.

I agree with what was alread said so only wanted to point out the bit that got under my own skin a bit.

I am not sure why when confronted with being asked by GF (assuming there was an asking vs volunteering, again, idk how this went down) I am curious as to the dynamic where your choice in describing your reasons for the interaction are:
"I am a codependent people pleaser... .didn't want to hurt her feelings."

My radar says: Karpman's drama triangle

Well, after what I went through with my own ex who was being abused by his ex while dating me, this would likely trigger me.  (And believe me, I have no care about a boobie hug). I don't like when he would wave a big "I am a victim flag." Drove me nuts that he would agree to certain things while with me, but then in front of ex, she could get him to do anything.  Sure, a hug really is no big deal, but what IS a big deal to me is having a partner who makes decisions based on his values and if his values are that he makes decisions based on fear (FOG) of not hurting someones feelings, I have issue with this.  If he decides stuff, feels easily guilted, persuaded or manipulated into stuff cause of his proclaimed badge wearing "people pleaser" status, I will have issue with that.  The result was that he ended up subjecting us all to abuse by her, and his excuse was always not to make ex mad, hurt her feelings for her to retaliate, etc.  By extension, we all became her victims when he threw himself on that part of the triangle. (The two kids included)

I know it simply sounds like a hug and what I am saying may sound extreme.  Yet, often when a gal is triggered there is more behind the trigger than the hug.
Imo, best to watch your communication is being BIFF and to help understand what she is REALLY upset about.  Cause often a guy may think it is a hug, but it possibly is about some underlying theme or prinicpal or such.  

Just throwing out a different perspective but I actually think there is no "right" way to see this.  There is no: She is wrong for freaking out or you are wrong for hugging a front "boobie hug."  I think well all have our perceptions and trying to understand vs repel your partners and draw closer to them to understand vs proclaiming one of you is right or wrong or such is likely more likely to have a more bonding outcome vs division between the two of you.

How you two negotiate having differing perspectives between you both can be a bonding experience or a dividing one.  Learning to genuinely understand where she is coming from (vs trying to simply be innocent) can help draw you two closer.

Edit: whoops, somehow thought I was posting on dating board, .  Seems negotiating perspectives should be simply changed to allowing hers to exist without trying to challenge it.  My bad!