He is putting in the work

[farmerswife]

Hi all -
Like many here, my current situation is confusing. We are not together, as he (pBPD) kept breaking up with me so many times that I told him I was done with that game. But we are still close. I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and have tried to put in place boundaries. I will totally admit that I am terrible at it - I am a teacher and believe everyone in the world deserves to be loved/ I will do whatever it takes to help that happen. I know being a martyr doesn't really get me anywhere... .I am in therapy to deal with my own issues.

Anyways, he is doing all that I guess one can ask of a pBPD. He participates in group every other week, sees a psych every other week in an out patient program, sees a therapist once a month, and is working on getting his meds sorted out. He is begrudgingly following my boundaries - though he pushes them often to see if they will stay in place. I just don't know if I am helping the situation or hurting by staying friends with him. Everyone else has just given up on him, and I hate to think that is my only option. But, I do not want to live the rest of my life like this - nor do I want to raise children in an environment that is so unstable.

Do I give him more time to continue to heal? I know this isn't going to happen overnight, though he wishes it would. Or do I move on? All my friends and family say to move on... .but I just hate the idea of abandoning someone that is in such a tough situation.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness. Thanks for listening.   

[Mutt]

Hi farmerswife,


I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I can relate with how the push / pull behavior from a pwBPD feels like crazy making behavior and it's emotionally exausting.

I'm happy to hear that you're seeing a T, seeing a T concurrently with a support group is the best combination. Many of our members can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

A r/s is something that is personal, it's easy to observe someone else's r/s from the outside and advise them to leave, at the end of the day, it's your r/s. Friends and family mean well, they're just looking out for us.

Everyone else has just given up on him, and I hate to think that is my only option.

Read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time, it will help to normalize the behavio. I'd also suggest to learn to depersonalize the behaviors, it's not personal to us, it's something that a pwBPD is going through.

It sounds like you have a support system with family and friends, Self care is important and it's really important when a loved one suffers from BPD so that we're not burning the candles at both ends.

I think that you're looking ahead to the future to see what the landscape will be like, have there been troubles in the r/s for a significant amount of time? The non disordered partner has to be emotionally strong in the r/s, BPD is a life long mental illness, granted some people do recover from BPD. I'd factor in that he may not change, the non disordered partner has to change when a partner suffers from BPD, it's something to think about.

There are communication tools that can help with the r/s, maybe that's something that I would also consider, give the tools and what you learn about BPD a chance, exhaust all of your options before reaching a decision.

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[farmerswife]

Thank you for the warm welcome - I am glad I found this community.

There have been issues with the r/s for a while - many red flags that I ignored early on in the r/s. We started dating about a year ago - and he made the r/s "Facebook official" far sooner than I was comfortable with - especially since I am a teacher and I value my private life.

Looking back on it, he has the hardest time with his BPD when I go out of town. My family lives out of state, and every time I would go home to visit them, he would freak out. It finally came to a head on Thanksgiving when he was so convinced that I was purposely ignoring his repeated phone calls and text messages that he threatened self-harm. My dad picked up my cell phone right away (which is unusual because my dad is a pretty hands off guy when it comes to my life) and had a stern talk to my pwBPD. Now, I am a 32 year old woman and have been pretty independent for a while - having my dad intervene like this is not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. My dad established boundaries for him (pwBPD), and pwBPD pushed back at those mightily, though I stood my ground.

To be honest, that isn't the only time something like this has happened. Similar situations have occurred more recently, including one where a good friend of mine almost called the police on my pwBPD because they were worried about his safety and my personal safety (whole thing went down on my birthday, too) - it was the catalyst that caused my pwBPD to enter an outpatient program.

Writing all this down is definitely forcing me to face the realities of what has happened. I know that his last few r/s ended because of his behavior. I know that his family knows about this behavior - they feel he is just being overdramatic. They have told me many times that they don't understand why I let him treat me this way; that they wouldn't put up with it. He claims his family also feel that it is partially my fault that he behaves like he does, though I am not exactly sure the reasons. 

Every time I look at the facts, I don't understand why I am putting up with all this. But then my emotional elementary teacher side pipes up that everyone deserves a chance to live a happy life surrounded by people who will love and support them through tough times. Maybe if I just love and support him, things will work out.

Emotionally exhausting is right.