How do I get over my lover who has BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My nine month relationship with my BPD lover has ended. I am very hurt and feel I have failed in maintaining out relationship. First off I was married when I started the relationship with her and she was going through a divorce ending a marriage where she was mentally abused. I was there for her always when she needed help and was in trouble. Case and point here ex kicked here out in the rain one night and she called me and I went and got here a hotel room to stay in.  We were very good with each other we liked some of the same things such as movies and we were very passionate with each other. We fell in LOVE so I thought.  Everything went fine for the first 6 months and then everything fell apart when she couldn't afford her medicine anymore and that's when things changed. Her mood swings became more apparent and she was always angry and paranoid.
She told me she wanted things to end and I found out she was seeing and talking to a friend of mine at work Yes we worked together. She worked in the office and myself in the warehouse. So back to the friend thing so I was wondering why she took her apt key back and I found that out when my friend showed me text from her. He didn't know we were seeing each other. So I was so overwhelmed and hurt by what she did I collapsed at work and had to be taken to the hospital. When I was laying on the floor she found out and came out and held my head to comfort me. She had blocked my number but I was able to call from the hospital and we talked all night. She unblocked my number the next day and we texted till I got out of hospital. Once I got out she blocked my number again . I was like damn I was there for her when she needed me and this is hat I get when I need her. So then I went over to see her the weekend and my god she was just getting back with my friend from work. A big argument broke out between me and her and he left because he didn't want trouble. She said I was stalking her and wanted to beat my friend up. She keep calling and calling the whole weekend. When I went back to work I was trying to avoid her and move on but I got reeled back in by notes that she slipped in my pocket every time I went up front. Her thing is I don't like when people are mad at me. So her pattern was to have me come over to talk then we had sex and things went good for 2 or 3 days and then we back right were we started. I was a roller coaster ride for me menatally.The best one yet was the company xmas party she went with my friend but once she got there she was all over me the whole night and ended up leaving with me. This was a Thursday and by that Tuesday she says she wants to end things and be alone. She didn't want to spend xmas with me. So once again I started to distance myself and here comes more notes saying how much she loves me and want to be together. Come to find out she connected with a guy she knew in the second grade and was talking to him behind my back. Hes just a friend and we getting reacquainted. How the hell am I supposed to feel.She kept calling me New Years Eve and I was ignoring her and then New Years Day night she texted that she needed me so I went over there in the middle of the night because she had bad thoughts. She was abused as a child by here dad and I never asked about her past which I think was a mistake. I wanted her for who she was in the present. I am starting to realie when she said she has trust issues with men its true. She listens to everything her mom says and actually never makes her own decisions as to what she wants. I have thought about ending my life because of her and the pain she has caused me. I am much older than her I am 48 and she is 29 and I think the things her dad did to her she projected onto me. I quit my job of 8 years because of her last week. I got a new job on Monday and it should have been a happy day till she texted me and said we need to end things for good stay away from the apt and don't contact me anymore. That tore me apart and hurt very bad. So I figure she has bonded with the childhood friend and is going to start seeing him. She told me she has and never will love another man as much as she does me. I am the only man she could ever look in the eyes. I am just so hurt right now. So this is the kicker and I will hope for some feedback on what I wrote if it makes sense. So this past Tuesday the day after she sent the breakup text her tired got slashed and car window was broken out and she called and blamed me and said shes getting a restraining order on me.  Shes a white woman in a bad neiborhood and probally pissed someone off because of her mouth. I told her why would I do that now after all the times we have wen through this Why would I do that  So she said she couldn't believe me and hung up the phone and blocked my number. All I ever did was try to help her with things. So now I guess I will just wait for the court papers to arrive because shes going to listen to her mother...

[reignmann151]

My nine month relationship with my BPD lover has ended. I am very hurt and feel I have failed in maintaining out relationship. First off I was married when I started the relationship with her and she was going through a divorce ending a marriage where she was mentally abused. I was there for her always when she needed help and was in trouble. Case and point here ex kicked here out in the rain one night and she called me and I went and got here a hotel room to stay in.  We were very good with each other we liked some of the same things such as movies and we were very passionate with each other. We fell in LOVE so I thought.  Everything went fine for the first 6 months and then everything fell apart when she couldn't afford her medicine anymore and that's when things changed. Her mood swings became more apparent and she was always angry and paranoid.
She told me she wanted things to end and I found out she was seeing and talking to a friend of mine at work Yes we worked together. She worked in the office and myself in the warehouse. So back to the friend thing so I was wondering why she took her apt key back and I found that out when my friend showed me text from her. He didn't know we were seeing each other. So I was so overwhelmed and hurt by what she did I collapsed at work and had to be taken to the hospital. When I was laying on the floor she found out and came out and held my head to comfort me. She had blocked my number but I was able to call from the hospital and we talked all night. She unblocked my number the next day and we texted till I got out of hospital. Once I got out she blocked my number again . I was like damn I was there for her when she needed me and this is hat I get when I need her. So then I went over to see her the weekend and my god she was just getting back with my friend from work. A big argument broke out between me and her and he left because he didn't want trouble. She said I was stalking her and wanted to beat my friend up. She keep calling and calling the whole weekend. When I went back to work I was trying to avoid her and move on but I got reeled back in by notes that she slipped in my pocket every time I went up front. Her thing is I don't like when people are mad at me. So her pattern was to have me come over to talk then we had sex and things went good for 2 or 3 days and then we back right were we started. I was a roller coaster ride for me menatally.The best one yet was the company xmas party she went with my friend but once she got there she was all over me the whole night and ended up leaving with me. This was a Thursday and by that Tuesday she says she wants to end things and be alone. She didn't want to spend xmas with me. So once again I started to distance myself and here comes more notes saying how much she loves me and want to be together. Come to find out she connected with a guy she knew in the second grade and was talking to him behind my back. Hes just a friend and we getting reacquainted. How the hell am I supposed to feel.She kept calling me New Years Eve and I was ignoring her and then New Years Day night she texted that she needed me so I went over there in the middle of the night because she had bad thoughts. She was abused as a child by here dad and I never asked about her past which I think was a mistake. I wanted her for who she was in the present. I am starting to realie when she said she has trust issues with men its true. She listens to everything her mom says and actually never makes her own decisions as to what she wants. I have thought about ending my life because of her and the pain she has caused me. I am much older than her I am 48 and she is 29 and I think the things her dad did to her she projected onto me. I quit my job of 8 years because of her last week. I got a new job on Monday and it should have been a happy day till she texted me and said we need to end things for good stay away from the apt and don't contact me anymore. That tore me apart and hurt very bad. So I figure she has bonded with the childhood friend and is going to start seeing him. She told me she has and never will love another man as much as she does me. I am the only man she could ever look in the eyes. I am just so hurt right now. So this is the kicker and I will hope for some feedback on what I wrote if it makes sense. So this past Tuesday the day after she sent the breakup text her tired got slashed and car window was broken out and she called and blamed me and said shes getting a restraining order on me.  Shes a white woman in a bad neiborhood and probally pissed someone off because of her mouth. I told her why would I do that now after all the times we have wen through this Why would I do that  So she said she couldn't believe me and hung up the phone and blocked my number. All I ever did was try to help her with things. So now I guess I will just wait for the court papers to arrive because shes going to listen to her mother...

[ynwa]

Hey reign, .

I want to welcome you to the board and a family of people who have been through and are going through things just as you are. You will find support and information to help guide you through.

I also want to thank you for sharing a truly honest and difficult story. You have been through a lot, and am sure you are feeling a lot of things but YES you made sense. 

I can see that there are a lot of moving pieces, and would suggest you take awhile to step back and lean on friends and family for support.  And to also use the board to ask questions and learn that what you went through is difficult but not uncommon to people here, myself included.

I'm going to give you a link to read, let me know what you think ok?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[reignmann151]

Hello YNWA
The link you gave me was right on point. Everything I read explained things more clearly. The Clinger Phase and Hater Phase is what I have been going through. Wow! everything I read brings light to what I have been going through. I had always wondered why I felt the way I did for her and why I kept trying to make it work. She did make everything my fault!  I was thinking my I should start seeing a therapist to get over her because of the deep emotional bond I had with her.

[ynwa]

Hey Reign, I am glad it helped.  Being part of something you had little control over is a heavy thing.  In time, you will get pieces of why certain things happened how they did, when at the time they just seemed so out of place.

Therapy is a great tool for anyone, it most certainly can become part of the ways you move on from this relationship.

This is going to take time to work out. You are going to "feel" this in many ways. 
Don't rush to anything, and find ways to start working on you.

This link will help.  Take your time.  There is no set way to work through this. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0