Not doing so well

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I can’t seem to shake this depression.

I finally went full no contact around 6 weeks ago, and without a doubt it was the best decision. As far as he is concerned that is. I no longer miss him and I don’t want anything more to do with him. For too long my focus has been on him, trying to understand his feelings and his behaviours. I’ve battled feelings of anger intermixed with empathy and much compassion for his struggle, but it’s not about him anymore. 

My attention has turned to me and I’m so very disappointed. I let myself and others, my loved ones, down trying too hard to make it work with a man who abused me dreadfully.  He was often completely out of control and out of his mind and when I look back I must have been too. Out of my mind that is. I’m being hit with traumatic memories and they’re causing me a lot of pain, not because of what he did, but because I tolerated it all.

I let my life come tumbling down for a clearly disordered, often out of his mind, highly abusive man. Now I have to live with it. The person I thought I was has gone and I seriously do not recognise the person who has taken her place. I’m sorry if this comes across as self-pity, but I’m just not doing so well today.

[Larmoyant]

I can’t seem to shake this depression.

I finally went full no contact around 6 weeks ago, and without a doubt it was the best decision. As far as he is concerned that is. I no longer miss him and I don’t want anything more to do with him. For too long my focus has been on him, trying to understand his feelings and his behaviours. I’ve battled feelings of anger intermixed with empathy and much compassion for his struggle, but it’s not about him anymore. 

My attention has turned to me and I’m so very disappointed. I let myself and others, my loved ones, down trying too hard to make it work with a man who abused me dreadfully.  He was often completely out of control and out of his mind and when I look back I must have been too. Out of my mind that is. I’m being hit with traumatic memories and they’re causing me a lot of pain, not because of what he did, but because I tolerated it all.

I let my life come tumbling down for a clearly disordered, often out of his mind, highly abusive man. Now I have to live with it. The person I thought I was has gone and I seriously do not recognise the person who has taken her place. I’m sorry if this comes across as self-pity, but I’m just not doing so well today.

[infjEpic]

I can’t seem to shake this depression.

We've all experienced it and know what you're going through.
Several months ago, I was where you are now. And worried I might never recover.
It's beyond torture - but you will get through it.

Have you spoken to a therapist/counsellor?

I’ve battled feelings of anger intermixed with empathy and much compassion for his struggle, but it’s not about him anymore.  

You will continue to experience these conflicting feelings, for a while, but they will become less intense.

Are you aware of the stages of grief?

Out of my mind that is. I’m being hit with traumatic memories and they’re causing me a lot of pain, not because of what he did, but because I tolerated it all.

So did we.
You are not defective & You have nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about.

I let my life come tumbling down for a clearly disordered, often out of his mind, highly abusive man. Now I have to live with it. The person I thought I was has gone and I seriously do not recognise the person who has taken her place. I’m sorry if this comes across as self-pity, but I’m just not doing so well today.

This is absolutely normal at the conclusion of a BPD relationship.

And there is nothing wrong with self compassion.

You had plenty of compassion for your ex-partner.
Don't you deserve compassion, especially after all you have been through?


You are going through the early stages of recovery right now.
Hold strong, because it will get better.

The abusiveness of your partner, will actually come as a blessing later, because you will understand that this has provided you with the understanding of how important it is to maintain No Contact.


2 of the techniques I found most useful for dealing with these ruminations & flashbacks you are experiencing:
A) Make a list of all the abusive behaviour you can remember. Think as long as necessary. Get it all written down. Whenever you miss them, Read it.

B) Start a gratitude journal. Think as long as necessary. Consider all of the things you are grateful for in your life.
Consider all of the things you can do now - that you couldn't do when you were with them.


Healing takes time, but you will come out of this better than you went into it.

[bschooled]

In the hopes that you won't end up stuck in this awful phase for as long as I did, I'll share what I've come to believe. I think people can say you'll get through it and things will get better in the future, but while the throes of it hearing those words can become a trigger. Because right now it's not better. And it's impossible to imagine the future, because the one you had planned is now completely destroyed.

What I learned is that owning the embarrassment and shame and not trying to make excuses (In my case: I thought things would change, I ignored the ten billion warning signs, I thought this was fate, I believed I could fix him, I wanted to prove everyone wrong, I cared more about his feelings than mine, etc.) allowed me to surrender to reality. If I can take accountability for my actions and lack of self compassion, I can find a way to forgive myself and actually build my esteem again.

The worst thing anyone could say to me was "I told you so." What surprised me most was that none of the people who really mattered in my life did. If they could sympathize with me, I needed to sympathize with myself.

People with BPD live every day feeling this humiliation and regret. Sadly, most  can't Climb out of the hole. We're lucky because we have the ability to turn it around and build our feelings of self-worth.

I hope that makes sense?

[ynwa]

 .   Hey Larmoyant,  you put things into a great perspective.  You need a breather. It sounds like you are dealing with honesty and feelings. About you.

But disappointed?  In being strong while in, and even stronger out of the relationship?  Let anyone down?  It might seem that way, but not really.

You havent failed at one single thing.  You made mistakes. And you ARE being responsible for those. You are working through it and doing a great job.  I know it's tough inside to bring it out and just put it on the table. 

Your posts and caring you have shown to me, and I bet other people on this board.  Proof. As you reconnect with those friends and family, are all proof that the person you thought was gone, is changed and for the better. 

Yes, you have wounds, healing all the time. Yes they will open up and remind you. But they won't be scars, they will be tattoos of a lovely flower, or powerful wave.

I understand how it feels to deal with the abuse.  It's strange and awful.  But always keep in mind, it is passed. We bore the brunt of an awful storm. And I know how powerful they are, those memories.  I almost never remember my dreams. One this morning, I could not honestly tell if it was real or not. 

I know it's hard to shake depression.  You have to push it back, and it won't budge.  But it will pass and lighten like anything. 

You got this Larmoyant.  Put on some music.  I use Julio Iglesias version of Le Mer.  And I dance, and smile. 

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I thought about something similar on my way home from shopping tonight.

When we're we're in the r/s with our pwBPD, many members on this board really and not just you, we put our needs on the backburner and tried to fulfill our pwBPD's needs, we fused with them. The reason why I thought about this is because i'm going to see my mom in the summer and she knows my ex, she also knew that she was borderline but kept it to herself. I had no clue because I was enmeshed with my ex, I was her helper and fixer, and there was FOG too.

I've had a substantial amount of time where I 've been seperated from my ex, turned the focus on myself and my needs and see my ex in a different light. We have different values, have really different likes and dislikes and I wonder what made me attracted to her with all of the dysfunction with her and her family. I hadn't arrived yet, the experience really developed my awareness, I can see the dysfunction around me, can read between the lines, I can see triangulation, projection etc...

Do you feel like you're seeing the relationship differently, more for what your ex is and not for where you where at in the r/s?

[Larmoyant]

Do you feel like you're seeing the relationship differently, more for what your ex is and not for where you where at in the r/s?

Hi Mutt, yes, I am seeing the relationship differently. I thought he was thinking like me, was coming from a similar place as me, wanted the same as me, and with despair I’m now looking back knowing he wasn’t. I was knocking my head against a brick wall trying to make it work. Subjecting myself to horrendous abuse in pursuit of something that never had a hope of working. I was being damaged over and over yet still I kept trying. He's unwell, what's my excuse? It seemed the more I lost the harder I tried. The FOG is clearing and with it comes an element of despair. It’s hard to come to terms with.

.You are not defective & You have nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about.

.

Hi infj (me too) epic, this could well be at the root of my depression, shame, regret and guilt. I’m battling terrible feelings of low self-worth. I’ve fallen so badly. The before and after shots are so very, very different. I’m ashamed to admit that I still feel traumatised and ashamed that it’s taking me a long time to get over this. I just want to be left alone, no pressure, cocooned in the safe place I’ve created since leaving. It isn’t right and I know it.

I regret staying when I should have run. I knew this, deep down, right from the very beginning. Early on he’d invited me to his for dinner, I’d already fallen for the love bombing and was completely smitten, all was well at first, but the more he drank the more belligerent he became eventually losing his temper, belittling and ranting. As I was grabbing my belongings he shouted “can’t we just have sex before you go”. Cold blooded objectification. I ran from there crying my eyes out. It turned out to be his first attack on me. The first devaluation and rage. Yet I went back and continued to go back until there wasn’t much left of me. I had a choice and could have protected myself, but instead I kept returning. Maybe to prove I was valuable and worthwhile. It was a battle I was never going to win. There’s a lot of shame in this. I took part in my own devaluation.

.  Don't you deserve compassion, especially after all you have been through?

.

Yes, but I’m very afraid that I’m wallowing in self-pity instead. Well-meaning others, have said, “it’s time to move on”, “forget about it”, “forget about him”. My therapist, who helped me leave, expressed her frustration by telling me to “go to the library and research something else”. This just feels like more shame. Like I’m purposefully wallowing in self-pity, rehashing the abuse when really I still feel traumatised and deathly afraid that the grief has overtaken me. I can no longer face my therapist as I’m ashamed my progress is too slow.

I don’t think I’m wallowing because I want to rebuild, but I’m afraid to take steps outside my comfort zone. There’s little to grab hold of. I can’t just pick up the pieces of my old life as it’s gone and there’s nothing to return to. I have to start from scratch and I don’t know how yet, but I do want to even though sometimes I feel so tired that I think grief has defeated me.

.And it's impossible to imagine the future, because the one you had planned is now completely destroyed.

.

Hi bschooled, yes, it’s hard to imagine the future now. I need new plans, new dreams. I have ideas, so there’s hope here, but I fall back so easily into despair, and negative thinking and leave them floating in the air.

. I hope that makes sense?

.
Complete sense. You have described it well. I could have written that myself.

.It sounds like you are dealing with honesty and feelings. About you.

.

Hi ynwa, yes and it’s not pretty. I am doing battle with depression and the accompanying negative thinking, guilt, shame, self-blame, tears and more tears. I’m not afraid of crying. It means I can still feel. If I can still feel then things will get better right?

.But disappointed?  In being strong while in, and even stronger out of the relationship?  Let anyone down?  It might seem that way, but not really.

.

It helps to view myself as strong. I managed to stay upright despite the psychological annihilation, so I must be, but the regrets are loud and kicking. I truly let everyone down and must now find a way to forgive myself and live with it. Viewing it in terms of ‘making mistakes’ helps. It’s kinder, more forgiving and gives me something to work with. I’m human, all humans make mistakes. I can hopefully make up for them.

Thank you for these responses. Reading and posting is cathartic and helps me understand where I am at. If I understand then I can do something about it.

[Keef]

Larmoyant

I don't think at all that what you've shared comes across as wallowing/self-pity, and I think it's brave to share these things  

I am sorry it's tough for you right now. I know how you feel - I'm going through exactly the same. It's very tiring, I know! I try to repeat to myself that it will get better, without hitting myself on the head with it...

I think that at times we need to tread carefully even if we are very determined to heal and live fully again. Please try not to be hard on yourself.

I’m ashamed to admit that I still feel traumatised and ashamed that it’s taking me a long time to get over this. I just want to be left alone, no pressure, cocooned in the safe place I’ve created since leaving. It isn’t right and I know it.

It will take time. Something I'll admit I haven't really accepted to the full. Maybe you do need some retreat at the moment, it's not necessary a negative thing. That said, I can relate to your concerns.

Do you feel isolated? Have you decided not to continue seeing your therapist? If so, would you see a new one?

I know what you are living through right now, I could've written a great deal of it myself. I know how it feels to no longer yearn for the ex, but to still be on a roller-coaster, processing one's own emotions this time, and it can feel quite lonely. But I do think you are on the right way, as you are trying to figure out yourself now.

Do let us know how things go.
/Keef
 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time right now.   I can relate to your feelings, too. I fell into a depression after my breakup and didn't recognize myself as the emotions continued to hijack who I thought I was. What helps for me is when I am able to uncouple the feelings from the narrative in my head. Your feelings make sense and are appropriate for what you've been through. However, the "story" that is running about what those feelings mean is not the "truth" of who you are.

I agree with Keef that sometimes we just need to retreat and rebalance. Healing is on your timetable, not anyone else's. Often, we spend inordinate amounts of energy trying not to feel things. Then, when that is no longer possible to do, is seems that the feelings hit us all at once and we're down for the count. 

Perhaps in the near future, you might be able to return to your therapist and tell her about your feelings of shame? How her comment made you feel? I would hate for you to lose an ally and support during this difficult time.   

Hugs for you 

heartandwhole

[K.G.]

I could have written your posts myself. But without the part where you feel regret. I knew very early on that somethings was amiss and yet I went back and also tolerated things I wouldn't ordinarily, at least that's what I thought. My partner frequently went into rages and made outrageous demands that he would always somehow rationalise. There is a side to him that is amazingly endearing and that is the side that took and carried me away. And sometimes I feel might just very well do again. I love and hate him in equal measure. But I have no regrets. I tried. I gave my all. I gave understanding. He might never realise my feelings and that's ok. I forgive him. And I have nothing to forgive myself for. I tried to have a relationship and kept my values whilst simultaneously trying to understand the very confusing, extremely confusing, situations i found myself in. And that's probably what you were trying to do too. I think the first thing you need to do is to just accept that all you were trying to do was to make a relationship work. And then comes the rest... .

[infjEpic]

Hi infj (me too)

Considering how 'rare' we are as a personality type - I've encountered far too many infjs coming out of BPD relationship hell, for these to be mere coincidence.

It seems we are even more vulnerable than other personality types.

[/i] epic, this could well be at the root of my depression, shame, regret and guilt. I’m battling terrible feelings of low self-worth. I’ve fallen so badly. The before and after shots are so very, very different. I’m ashamed to admit that I still feel traumatised and ashamed that it’s taking me a long time to get over this. I just want to be left alone, no pressure, cocooned in the safe place I’ve created since leaving. It isn’t right and I know it.

Why isn't it right?

That's an expectation you hold.
Having been through this experience myself and seen countless others go through - I can tell you that expectations mean nothing where Cluster B disorders are concerned. Especially BPD.

You have just come through, and are still going through - except now it's with yourself - an intense form of psychological warfare.

You probably can't see it yet - but your expectation is for yourself to leave your safe place, before the real recovery has even begun.

Trust me, when you're ready, you will leave it.
For now, embrace your safe place and allow yourself to heal.

I had a choice and could have protected myself, but instead I kept returning. Maybe to prove I was valuable and worthwhile.

And maybe just to get back to the loving person you experienced at the start of the R/S?

You're speaking to a forum full of people who've done exactly the same things... .and more.

Actually, if you look around the forum - you will see there are plenty of people who are still in this stage, which you already progressed from.

Trust me, you're not even 10% as 'messed up' as you currently feel yourself to be and believe yourself to be.
What you're experiencing is absolutely normal for people coming out of BPD relationships and beginning the recovery.

It was a battle I was never going to win. There’s a lot of shame in this. I took part in my own devaluation.

Yep, I can relate, believe me.

If someone you barely knew treated you the way your BPDex did -  you would have bailed out immediately.
It's a very different story, when you have experienced the lovebombing first.

Yes, but I’m very afraid that I’m wallowing in self-pity instead. Well-meaning others, have said, “it’s time to move on”, “forget about it”, “forget about him”.

Have 'well meaning others' been through a BPD relationship?

If they haven't, then I'm sorry, but they don't know what they're talking about.

It's like me trying to advise a soldier on how to survive the trenches in WW1... .unless one has experienced it for oneself, one will simply never be able to grasp the level of psychological destruction and emotional chaos it has on the non-disordered person in the relationship.

What they're doing is (mistaken) pattern recognition - they say, that's a romantic relationship, this is a romantic relationship.
That's a totally flawed comparison tho.

That's comparing apples and computer viruses

My therapist, who helped me leave, expressed her frustration by telling me to “go to the library and research something else”. This just feels like more shame. Like I’m purposefully wallowing in self-pity, rehashing the abuse when really I still feel traumatised and deathly afraid that the grief has overtaken me. I can no longer face my therapist as I’m ashamed my progress is too slow.

There is no such thing as 'wrong' emotions.

Wrong = trying to convince yourself you shouldn't have those emotions.

If you feel like your therapist isn't contributing as well as you may have hoped, then don't hesitate to change therapist - I did, and it helped massively.

The recovery process takes time. Nothing you are saying here sounds even faintly strange to me - unfortunately, it's way too familiar.

[chillamom]

Hi, Larmoyant,

I have been lurking around the board for many months, but have been embarrassed to come back until today because of the old familiar recycle situation I entered (over now, for nearly 5 weeks, very LC).   I have been reading your posts and my heart has gone out to you over and over again... .the situations we have been in are quite similar in many ways and I have cheered you on as you finally decided to cut off contact with your exBPD.  You have come a very long way in really just a few months, which in the grand scheme of things isn't long at all!

I just wanted to say that I very much relate to the guilt/shame/depression of how we could have personally tolerated the abuse we endured for so long... .I hope I'm not putting words in your mouth.  I have a very hard time facing up to the fact that I wasted nearly 9 years, the better part of a DAMN DECADE, and that so many of my relationships with my family members and friends were jeopardized and perhaps even changed permanently by what I chose to do.

It's hard for me to get over the guilt too, particularly the times many years ago when I put his needs before my children's... .I remember that one night I had promised my then 10 year old daughter I would do something with her, and then HIS mother called me and told me HE was in a crisis - so I dropped everything and ran to his side.  My daughter still remembers this and even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  I allowed his needs to take precedence over so much - I almost lost a job, lost several cousins, almost lost my best friend of 40+ years - all because I CHOSE to meet HIS NEEDS instead of anyone else's.

I am feeling so much guilt, anger and (forgive me) HATRED  for myself and towards him... .I know this might be part of (largely) normal detachment, but it's hard!  I suppose the thing to do for both of us is to learn from the experience so we never repeat it in any way, shape or form.  I'm not sure how to go about doing that, but I certainly hope we both can.

Thank you for all of your compassion and wisdom in the past when you would respond to my posts.  You are a warm, insightful and welcoming woman and I am so glad you have removed yourself from the day to day madness of your former relationship. 

[Larmoyant]

I’ve only popped in for 5 minutes, but will write back later. Just wanted you all to know that I am so moved to read your replies, thank you so much for helping me   

[lovenature]

Hey L

I became a broken down empty shell of the person I was when I was 10 years old because I continually put a mentally ill persons heart and feelings ahead of my own while going through the worst time of my life. I am also not doing very well currently and trying to accept that it will take what it takes.
It isn't self pity it is only realistic how you feel and courageous to share it, own it and try to be as compassionate with you as you were with him.

One day at a time.

[lovenature]

Hey chillamom

I am feeling so much guilt, anger and (forgive me) HATRED  for myself and towards him... .I know this might be part of (largely) normal detachment, but it's hard!  I suppose the thing to do for both of us is to learn from the experience so we never repeat it in any way, shape or form.  I'm not sure how to go about doing that, but I certainly hope we both can.

This is normal, allow yourself to feel your feelings and then let them go. Never forget that you were immersed with a serious mental illness that you/we didn't know was there.
You/we go about detaching one day at a time. Give yourself the compassion you so easily gave to your ex. (reminder to me).

[lovenature]

He's unwell, what's my excuse?

Rescuer/caretaker, putting others ahead of yourself to the point of sacrificing your health? Me too, something I need to work on.