I stilll miss her after 10 months

[beggarsblanket]

We separated in May of last year by mutual arrangement. She sought me out again in early September. I questioned her motives, and you can imagine how that went. I hate myself. I blame myself for all the failings of our relationship. My friends tell me that she was equally involved and is just looking for an excuse to blame it all on me. I don't have much experience with women. I have trouble believing my friends. The whole relationship was intense and close and everything I could want. I feel so much distrust towards her, but I still want her. I miss her. How could I still crave something so hurtful and confused?

[infjEpic]

I hate myself.
I blame myself for all the failings of our relationship.

I don't have much experience with women.

These statements are not unconnected.
Try to have more experiences with women.

My friends tell me that she was equally involved and is just looking for an excuse to blame it all on me.

Disordered people don't require a logical excuse.

The whole relationship was intense and close and everything I could want. I feel so much distrust towards her, but I still want her. I miss her. How could I still crave something so hurtful and confused?

You miss having a deep emotional connection with another human being. Not Her.

BPD relationships are unendurable, but having one of these relationships as one of your early, or even primary, basis by which to gauge relationships is twice as painful.

You won't ever forget her.
But the way you interpret what happened will change.

[Larmoyant]

I miss her. How could I still crave something so hurtful and confused?

Hi beggarsblanket, I’ve heard BPD relationships described as an addiction many times. We’re taken on a roller coaster ride where we regularly experience such extremes of behaviour, the good followed by the bad and we become hooked on those highs. When things are good they’re usually very, very good and we desperately try or want to get back to them because the withdrawal is terrible. I’m sure this must play havoc with our hormones and brain chemistry so we literally end up craving them. It takes time for all of that to settle down. It's been a year for me now and I still miss him sometimes too. It gets better.

You won't ever forget her.
But the way you interpret what happened will change.

It will beggarsblanket. You'll see this all in a different light one day.

[beggarsblanket]

Hi beggarsblanket, I’ve heard BPD relationships described as an addiction many times. We’re taken on a roller coaster ride where we regularly experience such extremes of behaviour, the good followed by the bad and we become hooked on those highs. When things are good they’re usually very, very good and we desperately try or want to get back to them because the withdrawal is terrible. I’m sure this must play havoc with our hormones and brain chemistry so we literally end up craving them. It takes time for all of that to settle down. It's been a year for me now and I still miss him sometimes too. It gets better.

I've learned, Larmoyant. Thank you for this reminder. In my relationship, I only got to see the good and only a little bit of the bad. Some men and women who have willy-nilly endured the bad of BPD have indeed seen the bad. I'm a babe in relationships, BPD or otherwise. At 40 years of age, I'm just learning how to date. I hate to think that BPD is my trial. If I come back to this website with another BPD woe-is-me story, please someone tell me I'm going wrong.

[mjssmom]

I'm 37 days into my expwBPD suddenly dumping me for another woman.  I'm doing everything I can think of to cope!  It's me time now so I'm trying to take advantage of it.  I'm being seriously selfish about it but I owe it to me right now especially.

I do miss my ex though.  But now that some time has passed, I wonder if it's more the experience of him that I miss and not him himself.  The rush of feeling cherished, the affection, the really good sex, the feeling of being wanted and needed.  I literally felt enveloped in deep love.  To find out that wasn't real is quite the blow to the mind and heart.

But there are healthy people out there that will also provide those things as well without all the drama.  I'm going to miss my ex because he's the first relationship I had after my divorce and we did some fun things together and he gave me new experiences I really loved.   I waited 3 years to date after my divorce and thought I was prepared to go back out there in the dating pool again.  My radar apparently is not what I thought it was.

But I can only work on me.  And I can still do the things with others that I'll miss doing with him. I can still ride motorcycles and still visit those places once they aren't a trigger. I can still go see my favorite bands with other people.  I can still ask my friends and family for hugs and kisses when I'm needing them.  And I can still meet good, healthy people to share those experiences with me.  And someday, I can have someone healthy of my own to also share those experiences if I invest in myself first.  I have to work on my recovery first.  It's only fair to that future someone I chose to bring into my life.

So the question I think you should really ask yourself is, do you miss her or do you miss what you experienced with her?  Maybe journal if you don't already.  Write it out and release it and then figure out a plan in writing so you have something tangible to look at to help you to gain back some of what you think your missing in your life.  Maybe even see a therapist.  This retriggered PTSD in me and EMRD therapy is really helping me. 

Your not on anyone's timeline but your own.  If you feel stuck though, there's no shame in getting help with that.

[beggarsblanket]

Your story touched me, M. We spent most of our time in places that I had inhabited without her for years. I've avoided those locations since September, when we finally split. I started going back to them over the past two weeks. Maybe it was too soon. I also started drinking heavily again, for the first time since the split. I still cast a wistful glance over the old booths we used to occupy. It still hurts to sit in the same seat I sat in on the last day I saw her. How can such a short-lived affair embed itself so deeply?

To answer your questions: I miss her. She's an extraordinarily bright woman. She is 15 years my junior, but she kept up with me in conversations far beyond her years. She's gifted in her own areas (fine arts), and I marveled at her work.

But of course I don't miss "her." Most of what I saw was a performance for my pleasure. She gave up drinking for my sake, struggled to quit smoking, told me that she had started to talk to her family like I talk to her, and so on. She was mimicking me. In the one-off exchange that I had with her recently, she wrote mechanically. She was an alien. Sometimes I think she had someone else write her reply for her. I've since learned how to block her on my email program, which brings relief. I had previously felt exposed and vulnerable to her missives, whenever she decided to send them.

Journaling doesn't work much for me nowadays. I have over 300 notes, all addressed to her, all unsent, that I've written since May of last year. They've petered out over the last couple of months. Now I only write her when I'm blackout drunk. It's the same old stuff.

Detachment is a reality. I guess I have been so lonely for so long that it drags out. I still miss her, but I seem to have caught the eye of another woman recently, a woman whose character a friend can attest to. She sees that I'm hurt. She shows her interest ever so gently but assuredly. It feels nice to be wanted. Maybe a display of affection is all I ever needed in the first place.