started grieving, have to do it in front of my ex

[panhead67]

Hi,
Just need to process whats going on and share. After being discarded 5 months ago, I thought I was coming out of denial, I do go back and forth because the pain is so bad.The pain hits me in the center of my chest, I try to breathe and move into it for times, then step away. I am using the skills, and recommended tools. I am just not in a good space with this, and its hard to go through a day feeling positive.
My ex started acting like we never broke up (while at work), holding my hand and started an idealization of me-just for a day. He told me he wanted to schedule time together, and kissed me and held me with feeling. The next day he blamed me for our break up, and said I hurt him. He said "I don't know what you want." He is content with his roommate now, so his needs are met for attachment. He just got rigid and flipped the switch.
So the push pull gets shorter and shorter. This relapse has caused so much pain. I don't want this relationship, but the addiction is so bad on my end. I am having a very difficult time moving through the stages. I take it one day at a time, while being kind, and professional at work.(trying not to beat myself up when i fail) I am aware I can keep going lower and lower with this, yet sometimes I feel powerless, and I want a fix no matter the cost-in the moment. When I got home yesterday i had a meltdown. It is so very hard to feel the things that come up and not try to avert or change them, to accept. lingering in this limbo- in my mind, yet still am wanting to move towards healing. The reality stings.

[Larmoyant]

Hi panhead67, I’m just about to go to sleep (it’s almost 2am here), but wanted to reach out and give you some words of comfort and encouragement. It really is early days for you still and having to see him at work must make it so very difficult. I remember the push/pull getting shorter and shorter too after I split with my ex and he kept doing it until I put a stop to it. It’s probably going to be the same with you. Obviously you cannot avoid him, but can you take steps to not let him pull you in, e.g. don’t allow him to kiss you or hold you? It’s going to take a lot of strength I know, but ultimately if you want to heal, and you do it's the only way. I understand the feeling of powerlessness too. It took me 11 months to finally end the painful connection with my ex and now 7 weeks later I’m feeling much stronger. It still hurts but going in the right direction. I wish that for you too 

[Mutt]

Hi panhead67,

I'm so sorry. I can see how incredibly tough that'd be at work. I agree with Larmoyant with self protection, can you avoid him at work and in your personal life?