Afraid of my Adult Child - Anyone Else?

[Parents! Get help here!]

I was wonder if it is typical to fear your adult child with BPD?  When she goes off the rails she sends raging tests that do not reflect reality.  I guess it’s her perspective and she’s entitled to it, or perhaps she is being manipulative.  She usually needs something at the time and may be trying to guilt me into helping?  In the past, when she’s wanted or needed a place to stay she’s told people we are abusive and have kicked her out.  That was her go-to when she was a teen/early adulthood.  She is 34 now so doesn’t quite work anymore but she does still tell people we were abusive, she has no family etc..  (as recent as last year).  I am no longer offended because as the years go on she has made abuse allegations against every single boyfriend, landlords, as well as friends that were trying to help her. Basically anyone that she feels has crossed her.  Last year she was hospitalized after going into a state of psychosis when her boyfriend left her.  We visited her in hospital, were trying to be supportive. I guess we said something she didn’t like and she started yelling “Abuse! Abuse! Abuse! Abuse!” So we left.  I feel like she is going to get someone in big trouble one day.  For this reason I am hesitant to even be around her.  We text on a weekly basis and it she says she is depressed and considering ECT.  She will probably need support but I just don’t feel safe around her any more.  She has a mental health worker a Psychiatrist and lives with boyfriend. Lord only knows what she has told them about me.  Character assassination is her specialty.  Should I not feel guilty for keeping my distance?  Should I just disregard what others think of me and always be by her side?  The whole situation gives me anxiety.  I just don’t feel safe around her.  Perhaps that is her consequence to deal with for breaching my trust and lying about me?  Any thoughts appreciated.

[AcheyMom]

I was wonder if it is typical to fear your adult child with BPD?  When she goes off the rails she sends raging tests that do not reflect reality.  I guess it’s her perspective and she’s entitled to it, or perhaps she is being manipulative.  She usually needs something at the time and may be trying to guilt me into helping?  In the past, when she’s wanted or needed a place to stay she’s told people we are abusive and have kicked her out.  That was her go-to when she was a teen/early adulthood.  She is 34 now so doesn’t quite work anymore but she does still tell people we were abusive, she has no family etc..  (as recent as last year).  I am no longer offended because as the years go on she has made abuse allegations against every single boyfriend, landlords, as well as friends that were trying to help her. Basically anyone that she feels has crossed her.  Last year she was hospitalized after going into a state of psychosis when her boyfriend left her.  We visited her in hospital, were trying to be supportive. I guess we said something she didn’t like and she started yelling “Abuse! Abuse! Abuse! Abuse!” So we left.  I feel like she is going to get someone in big trouble one day.  For this reason I am hesitant to even be around her.  We text on a weekly basis and it she says she is depressed and considering ECT.  She will probably need support but I just don’t feel safe around her any more.  She has a mental health worker a Psychiatrist and lives with boyfriend. Lord only knows what she has told them about me.  Character assassination is her specialty.  Should I not feel guilty for keeping my distance?  Should I just disregard what others think of me and always be by her side?  The whole situation gives me anxiety.  I just don’t feel safe around her.  Perhaps that is her consequence to deal with for breaching my trust and lying about me?  Any thoughts appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Should I not feel guilty for keeping my distance?  Should I just disregard what others think of me and always be by her side?  The whole situation gives me anxiety.  I just don’t feel safe around her. 

You should not feel guilty because this isn't on you.  Your kid has to know right from wrong, and it is no longer your job to teach her that.  She's entitled and unstable, plus she's old enough to make her own choices.  So let her make them.

For your weekly texting, if she gets ugly or makes demands, then you need to tell her that treating you that was is not okay.  If she blows up from your statement, then you wish her luck and say goodbye.  That's your first boundary that you have to enforce each and every time- you love her and want to help, but you don't feel safe when she's being mean or manipulative.

One of two things will happen- your kid will change or she won't.  If she doesn't change, then you end the weekly texts quickly and block her (for the week at first) when it becomes too much.  In short, you hold her accountable for her own words and actions.

For the other part...about what others might think from what she's said...you have no control over that and shouldn't worry about it.  She will cross those other people soon enough and they'll feel dumb for judging you.

[js friend]

Hi Acheymom,

There have been many many times I that felt unsafe around my udd. Even being alone in a room, or in a car with her made me feel uncomfortable.  My udd is very passive aggressive and was always careful not to show her dislike for me infront of others but would do it when we were alone, often shouting, cursing at me, mocking me, following me around to argue and invading my space when doing so. So yes, it was easy for others to doubt how I would describe my udd's behaviour towards me. Even mental health professionals doubted me...yet she was/is text book bpd!  My udd also talks a good game so without proof it became my word against hers.

But I did find a solution just by accident which was to record my udd's outburst's. No way did she want the shame of others knowing how she was behaving behind closed doors. If she knew that there was a chance that I would be recording her she would suddenly stop immediately and retreat. 9/10 it worked.

I dont think you should care what other think of you. It is too easy for them to say as they are not living your life. Im sure that my udd has told some horrible stories about me, but think about it...what parent would make this up about their own child???

Having Boundaries, remaining silent, leaving the room,  are also useful tools to use too and will send a message to your udd that you are no longer prepared to be abused this way.

[js friend]

Iam also wondering if your udd will behave better towards you if you go with someone that she is not too familiar with.

Also remember that you are under no obligation to go to see her in hospital. She is an adult now and is responsible for her own mental health.