Getting this off my chest

[Winterberry]

Hi. my pwBPD had been in remission for a year but had an 'episode' a few days ago. He's been under stress though and it seems like it wasn't really about me. I didn't get a proper apology for the hurtful words said to me but that's kind of the norm for him and a lot of people with bpd as i've read on here, and i'm not too bothered. I'm also being optimistic that this might just be a one off due to stress and not a complete relapse. My main problem is that i still feel like he's being a bit cold with me and i'm not sure what the best way to handle it is. We are long distance but see eachother every couple of weeks or so. He's recently made a new close friend so he probably relies on me less for some social needs. Before we fell out/the 'episode' i had an honest conversation with him where he said he'd text me more etc and he did. When we're apart, i feel like i need to give him the space he doesn't get when we're together but i have a hard time trusting that he still wants to be with me if he acts coldly, especially since we fell out.

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[Pook075]

Hey Winter.  Could you describe the relationship a little more in terms of how long you've been dating, if this has always been long-distance, etc?  Give us a better idea of what's going on.

For "the incident", you may be getting the cold shoulder because your partner feels like you should have reacted differently, or showed more concern for what they were dealing with.  This is just a guess and I may be off-base, but those with BPD are so fearful of rejection that they're looking for it in just about everything.  In other words, they find it even when it's not there...and it causes them to "punish us" when we didn't even realize we did something wrong.

How to fix this?  Ask what's going on and how you can help.  Make them feel wanted, respected, and heard...even if it's just listening to them rant.  In these relationships. its your job to sort of play detective and figure out when things are going sideways for no particular reason.  In those moments, you love and support until the moment passes....or the moment becomes a week, a month, etc. from frequent escalations.

It's not fair and it's not always fun, but that's the task.  I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope that I've helped.

[Winterberry]

@pook075 Thanks for your response and sorry for the late reply. We've been together for 2 years and have always lived in different cities but see eachother every couple weeks or so. With this 'incident' I don't think he was giving me the cold shoulder because he didn't like the way I handled it but rather that he's not very good at apologising and probably was still in a bad state of mind. Things got better on their own but they haven't been the best for the past couple of days as he just ghosted me for a whole day which isn't something he's ever done. He ended up saying that he's been really stressed and didn't want to talk to anyone. What with him barely texting me it made me wonder if he just doesn't like me anymore or want to be with me, so I asked him and he said that's not the case. I don't know if there's any point asking questions like that since pwBPD are unpredictable and unstable in their feelings towards people. How do you know if it's just their bpd or if they actually don't want to be with you anymore?

Like you said, i'm trying to be supportive and there for him during hard times.

[Pook075]

How do you know if it's just their bpd or if they actually don't want to be with you anymore?

The long-distance aspect is so tough- I was just in an one year long distance relationship so I can fully relate (we got married though- yay!).

Your question is super tough to answer and honestly, there might not be a real answer due to how the BPD mind works.  For example, both my BPD daughter and BPD ex-wife can start a conversation with me over <whatever>, and ten seconds later they're staring out the window ignoring me.  Five minutes after that, they could be mad at me for not finishing the conversation about <whatever>, even though they drifted off and eventually changed the subject. 

Then I'd add fuel to the fire by defending myself, which could be met with a laugh or an explosion of anger.  It's really a tossup which one I get because it's based on their emotional state in real time.

If your person is pulling away, it could be one of a million things going on...most of which have nothing at all to do with you.

- It could be guilt and shame....what if they found out what a mess I am?
- It could be coping mechanisms...I'll just do my favorite stuff until I feel better.
- It could be suspicion...do they actually want to be with me?  Am I wasting my time?
- It could be their inner circle, which is often others with similar mental health issues.  These questionable friends are highly trusted because they understand what it's like to go through stuff, so they can go through stuff together and feed off one another's drama.  These are often highly toxic relationships.

If your partner says they want to continue the relationship, then I'd trust that (for now).  But I'd also want to find ways to improve communication and being the one he reaches out to when things are challenging.  The more he feels like you're there for him without any judgement, then the more he'll open up and let you in.

And PS, I'm not saying that you're not already doing that.  With BPD in the mix, you have to be even more transparent with your feelings and emotions when something feels off.