this seems complex.
the two of you are friends. youve harbored feelings that she knows about, for a year. she has suggested shed be open to a relationship in the future, but not now. right now, she is in a committed relationship, and shes taking steps to further that commitment, and move in together with the guy shes seeing. do i have that right?
if so, in your pursuit of her, youre trying to be her friend, and trying to be her boyfriend. thats can be challenging, but certainly doable. the way you are going about it is messy. lets detangle it.
At the beginning of the year, she was mad at me for 17 days because I reached out to his ex to ask if he really cheated.
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My friend blocked me for four days because I told her that trying for a baby and moving in with a guy she’s been dating for only three months (and has known for four) is a bad idea.
1. youre interfering in her relationships. going behind her back to talk to an ex about her likely felt like a
huge violation of trust. it also suggests that you dont trust her.
as someone who she sees as a friend, but is trying to become her boyfriend, youre giving her advice (was it solicited?) on the relationship that shes currently investing in. if she knows about your feelings for her, then your motives are suspect; she probably sees it, not as the welcome help of a friend, but as an effort to sabotage her relationship in order to become her boyfriend. plus, most people will push back when someone tells them what theyre doing in their relationship is a bad idea, and someone with bpd, with a hypersensitivity to criticism and judgment is likely to take it even worse.
if getting mad at you and blocking you is the "this" that she does, that youre trying to understand, that is the why.
2. it sounds like shes dangling and snatching away the possibility of a relationship in the future, while actively taking steps to commit to her current relationship. i think you should see that for what it is, and its fraught with peril. to navigate this, its important to understand that while she may not be doing these things with a malicious intent, the practical effects are still the same. people with bpd are generally terrible with boundaries, especially in situations like this, can be fickle, are impulsive, and chase what validates/gratifies them. she knows about your feelings, she is gratified by them, and she also knows, on some level, that you will stick around because of them.
you dont want to be the guy both handing her her cake and feeding it to her. you dont want to be the guy chasing dangled carrots. you need to respect yourself; she wont do that for you. people (anyone) can be blinded to the feelings of others in these situations, and tend to act with self interest.
if it were me, id be approaching this differently.
1. i would accept that the likelihood of a relationship between the two of you materializing, on this current trajectory, is a low probability. youre operating on the assumption that there will be a payoff, possibly years from now, while shes actively taking steps of commitment in her current relationship. even with the best of intentions, you cant guarantee that, theres no real sign other than vague suggestions that it may happen, and while things may change, its a risky proposition to invest much in.
2. the role of "friend trying to become boyfriend" is often a blurry/conflicted one. it is in this case. you are both acting in ways that are of competing interests, and those interests are colliding.
i would apologize for going behind her back to talk to her ex, if you havent already. that might go a ways toward repairing things.
but if im trying to become her boyfriend, i would also steer pretty clear from her relationships, past or present, because my own motivations may compete with her interests, because its an obvious source of tension, and because i also dont want to put myself in the compromised position of being seen as a support system for her relationships when i want to be the one in a relationship with her. i wouldnt announce this or tell her this. id subtly engage less on the subject, respond with less emotion, try to drive the conversation and our interactions into safer, more sound territory. id slowly but deliberately just kind of phase it out, create a new normal. also, if i have feelings for her, i dont want to hear about her relationship, thats painful!
so you can see what i mean about things being blurry, and acting with self interest. that applies to both of you here. you can be someones friend while romantically pursuing them at the same time, but in terms of relationship boundaries, its going to tend to look a lot different than a friendship without those romantic feelings might.
if im trying to be just her friend, id drop any pretense of trying to be her boyfriend while detaching from my romantic feelings, and id consider what "just friends" looks like. it probably has limits as to what it can be. a lot of the bond and chemistry between the two of you is the drama. if you phase that out, its going to change things. conversely though, cleaning up the messiness between the two of you now
might present a better chance of connecting romantically down the road. it will put you in a more attractive, and emotionally safer light, and at the very least, it will help clarify your path.
