Hopeful

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, everyone I'm new here but I've known my mother has BPD for at least 10 years. I've read books, watched videos and spend a lot of time managing her with boundaries that she always plows over. It's exhausting. I've been in therapy for over 20 years and that's extremely helpful.

My relationship with my mother is extremely superficial. I can't tell her 99% of what's happening in my life or she will blow up. She blows up if I tell her I'm reading a book she hated, or watched a movie that has an actress she's jealous of. She even gets mad about the weather. Everything triggers her and she has regular melt-downs.

I know all of this and I know I will never have a parent who will love me, support me, or be proud of me. But what I'm still struggling with is her uncontrollable rage and abuse. The BPD books all say not to take it personally but when someone (your mother) calls you a POS on a regular basis, it's hard not to.

I live as far away from her as possible (on purpose) in another country but I'm going to visit her next month. The visits create so much stress and anxiety for me. Last year she raged, screamed that she wishes I would die and said her usual other choice words. When I return home after a 2 week visit, it takes me at least a month to recover. I did walk out on her last time, which was a first. I would love to know what other ways I can protect myself, that don't include "don't visit her" because I choose to keep her in my life, but don't want to go into the reasons. Thank you for listening and being here!

[Jazzbow]

Hi, everyone I'm new here but I've known my mother has BPD for at least 10 years. I've read books, watched videos and spend a lot of time managing her with boundaries that she always plows over. It's exhausting. I've been in therapy for over 20 years and that's extremely helpful.

My relationship with my mother is extremely superficial. I can't tell her 99% of what's happening in my life or she will blow up. She blows up if I tell her I'm reading a book she hated, or watched a movie that has an actress she's jealous of. She even gets mad about the weather. Everything triggers her and she has regular melt-downs.

I know all of this and I know I will never have a parent who will love me, support me, or be proud of me. But what I'm still struggling with is her uncontrollable rage and abuse. The BPD books all say not to take it personally but when someone (your mother) calls you a POS on a regular basis, it's hard not to.

I live as far away from her as possible (on purpose) in another country but I'm going to visit her next month. The visits create so much stress and anxiety for me. Last year she raged, screamed that she wishes I would die and said her usual other choice words. When I return home after a 2 week visit, it takes me at least a month to recover. I did walk out on her last time, which was a first. I would love to know what other ways I can protect myself, that don't include "don't visit her" because I choose to keep her in my life, but don't want to go into the reasons. Thank you for listening and being here!

[Notwendy]

I understand your situation. I am also LC- contact but keeping a distance- from my BPD mother. Visits are difficult, and I also experience anxiety about going to see her and after. My BPD mother is also verbally and emotionally abusive, with rages as well. 

For me personally, what helped me the most has been 12 steps CODA and codependency groups. CODA isn't only for families with alcohol addiction. The family patterns where there is a pwBPD are similar. It can help with them too. An area of confusion for me was boundaries. Although we can cognitively understand that what they say isn't personal- we aren't used to having the kind of boundaries one would have with a stranger with our mothers. It doesn't feel natural. 12 steps helps me to be more objective with this and also is a support system for me.

Another is managing the visits- with self care in mind. I found that if I stayed with my mother in her home- I didn't feel emotionally safe. I also have to have shorter visits with her. I decided to stay in a hotel or with relatives. When we are feeling anxious and on guard- it's hard to sleep. I also don't want to get into drama with her and in short visits, I tend to just go along with what she wants. I don't live near her and this distance is a boundary for me.

If your only option is to stay with your mother- take breaks- run errands for her by yourself, stop for coffee on the way. Give yourself some alone time.

After visits, I make a point of doing self care. It doesn't have to be something elaborate or costly. Being in nature helps- taking walks. Buying something special to eat, get your nails done, visit a friend you don't see often.

[Methuen]

I've read books, watched videos and spend a lot of time managing her with boundaries that she always plows over.

I live as far away from her as possible (on purpose) in another country but I'm going to visit her next month. The visits create so much stress and anxiety for me. Last year she raged, screamed that she wishes I would die and said her usual other choice words.

What happens when she "ploughs over" your boundary?  You mentioned you walked out last time, as you should when she starts screaming she wishes you would die (or other choice words). No self-respecting person will stay and listen to that.  I have walked out on my mom too.  It's an awful thing to have to do.  But the consequence of "walking out" is the only thing this person is likely to understand.  You don't do it to punish her, but rather to protect yourself.  What other boundaries does she "plough over"?

It sounds like you are "staying with her" for the whole two weeks.  Have I got that right?

How about staying there for say 5 days/nights, and then planning to go stay with an old friend or family for a visit for a few days to get a breather.  Or schedule a long weekend for yourself somewhere else. Then plan to come back again before you fly back to your home country.  Might breaking it up like that help? 

Two weeks is an eternity with a high conflict person.

[Notwendy]

I agree- two weeks is a lot.

The other aspect of this is that my BPD mother was used to having the house to herself and having people there is a change for her- and even if she wanted the visit- it also may have been a stress on her to have someone in the house that much- which could increase her BPD behavior.

It made sense to have some space. If you are staying with your mother, consider scheduling "breaks" as Methuen suggested- meeting up with friends, taking a few days to visit someone. If that isn't possible- maybe some day trips or activities on your own.