8 years of marriage and two kids, I don’t know if I can keep going

[Nutellaandhoney]

Hi all!

I am feeling very lost. I am 8 years into a marriage. My husband has BPD. He wasn’t diagnosed until the 4th year of our marriage, after he got psychiatric care and attention for years of secret drug abuse. We have two children under the age of 3. He currently works and I care for the kids, the home, and try to disentangle the messes of our lives created in the last 8 years.

8 years ago I had an amazing job. I was a runner. I travelled and had close friends. I would go out and experience life, go dancing and just do things.  I wrote and created art. I felt good about myself and my life. Now I do not.

I know that this is not all his fault, but I fell like supporting him and dealing with fixing the wake of his chaos episodes month after month, year after year has fundamentally changed me. I know that having children has also changed me. I just feel so trapped. I don’t even know how to approach dealing with this. He always says he loves me and that he is going to change. That he needs time and is overwhelmed, but each year I lose more and more of myself and become less and less.

I don’t know if these are the right words. I’m just reaching out here to see if anyone else feels as trapped and alone. If anyone knows where to start rebuilding. Thanks. 

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  Here you will find many who have walked before you down this difficult but necessary path to reach the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.  We have a wealth of practical wisdom and insightful approaches and strategies.  Browse the other posts here and ask your questions.

When I first arrived here it was with a preschooler.  I had hoped that by having a child my then-spouse would find joy in seeing her child discover life.  That backfired, I didn't realize that having children doesn't fix major mental health issues, it just makes everything vastly more complicated.  (Looking back, I see now that her childhood issues with her stepfather sabotaged me when  I morphed from a husband to a father image.)  With that concept in mind - about the risks of having children in a dysfunctional marriage - you would do well to avoid having any more children with your husband, at least until you determine whether your marriage will survive.

A good start would be to seek an experienced and supportive counselor for yourself, if you haven't already.  As the advice at the start of every airflight states, "In an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others."

[Nutellaandhoney]

A good start would be to seek an experienced and supportive counselor for yourself, if you haven't already.  As the advice at the start of every airflight states, "In an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others."

Thank you for your reply! This has been such an incredibly alienating and lonely situation. As terrible as it is to know others are and have gone through it, it is comforting to not be alone.

I do not intend to have any more children with him. At the time he was in an intensive dbt program I saw a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. That was short lived.

I am looking for a therapist but I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly. Should I find someone who works with borderlines for myself or should I be looking for something else? I am honestly on page one act one of self care here. The last 8 years were all about him and then about him and my kids, joined by this group is the first thing I have done for myself.