Setting a boundary

[LittleRedBarn]

I want to set a personal boundary around my dBPD husband's contact with his family prior to my court case being resolved. He wants to contact his daughter for her birthday next week, but she has an intense and irrational hatred for me and is part of the family dynamic that led to me being arrested on a felony charge. My therapist, his therapist and my attorneys have all said that he should not initiate contact with his family until after my court case is sorted out, but he is not listening to them.

I have only a hazy idea of what a boundary looks like, especially after a 10-year codependent/caretaking role in the relationship! Can anyone help?

My next court hearing is on November 20th, so just under four weeks away. I'm at a critical point in the court process, where it could go either way, and I'm incredibly anxious about it. I'm thinking of saying something like this:

"I know you want to contact your daughter on her birthday next week and I understand how much pain the continued estrangement is causing you. At the same time, I'm very anxious about my next court date and I really need your support. I want what's best for our relationship, and if the hearing goes well, it could make all the difference to our future together.

I'd like to ask you to hold off from contacting her until after my court hearing. It has already been eighteen months since you spoke to her, so another few weeks isn't going to make that much difference. I know it will be hard for you, but I'm asking you to do this for both of us. It's not forever, just until things are clearer on the legal front."

He's not going to like it, but I need to keep myself safe. The question is, what do I do if he refuses?

My inclination is to say, "Okay, if that's how you feel, I think it's best if I handle this next hearing on my own. It's too stressful for me to have to deal with the anxiety of the court process and knowing that you are talking to your daughter at the same time. Let's take a break from the relationship until after November 20th and we can regroup after that."

It's an extreme position, and I guess it could look like I'm manipulating him, which I'm really not intending to do! He will accuse me of saying, "If you contact your daughter, I'm leaving you," which is absolutely not my intent. I just need to set a boundary which protects my emotional and mental health and gives me the best chance of a positive outcome on November 20th.

Thoughts anyone?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.