Just Need to Vent

[DancingintheDeep]

I just need to write my story again and what is going on. I recently joined reddit for a BPD group and remembered that I had an account here a couple of years ago, but I can't figure out my log in information.

Anyway, I'm dealing with so much stress from my mom right now and I just need to put it down where people will understand.

In 2019, my husband and I moved our family to be closer to my parents because I had always wanted a better relationship with them. Unfortunately, my parents were even more toxic than I remembered. My mom tried to convince me my dad was having an affair, even though I found out she knew where he was. My dad tried to convince me my brother wasn't his son. My mom poisoned their neighbor's dog. It was awful. We moved into an apartment because we couldn't even stay with them long enough to find a house to buy, things were so bad.

I ended up developing ovarian cancer and my parents gave us some land to put a house on so they could help while I was sick. I thought I was going to die, so we accepted because I just wanted my family to be settled. I was still deep in denial about how bad things were, so I realize this was an unbelievably stupid decision, but that's what we did.

My mom attempted to be helpful. She actually made things much harder on me in several ways, but she was being kind of nice to me, so I hoped that illness had opened her eyes and she would change.

After I finished chemo and actually reached remission, my mom went right back to the way she always was. She was hateful and domineering. She expected me to fix her problems and listen to her complain about things for hours on end. We managed in this way for a couple of years.

One day, she was particularly hateful to me and was talking badly about me to my kids. I was still technically in treatment and my targeted cancer therapy made me extremely sick, exhausted, and neutropenic, so when she began to complain that she didn't feel good, I snapped at her and told her she wasn't the only one with problems. It escalated from there. I told her she was acting like a b****, which I have never done, and she totally lost it. She attacked me, dug her nails into my arms, scratched my face and neck, and ripped out a huge chunk of the hair I had just regrown from chemo.

After that, my tumor markers skyrocketed and never came back down. My cortisol levels were really high afterwards and I exhibited physical symptoms of PTSD. Fast forward to now, I have a full blown recurrence which all started right after the attack.

I am now doing chemo again. I tried to mend things with my mom and things were going okay until I began chemo again. I am just having a hard time forgiving her completely and every time I talk to her, she still tries to dump all of her problems on me. I have just realized how stressful talking to her is, so I asked her to give me some space while I am going through treatment. 

She has not done this at all. She has showed up on my doorstep, texted repeatedly, and called my house and let the phone ring until I finally had to take it off the hook. I have her number blocked on my cell phone. My husband had given her updates if anything has changed with my treatment, but now she is texting him frequently to needle for updates and asking him to call her when he doesn't respond quickly enough.

Not only is this stressful for me, it makes me angry that she is insisting on us giving her information that is not her business.

I also know she tells people all over town details about my health to get attention and that makes me furious. People I have never before met know all of the details about my treatment and diagnosis and yet she certainly isn't telling anyone about how she attacked me when I was still in maintenance treatment.

I am stage 4 at this point with mets to my lung and liver. It does not look good as far as prognosis and I just don't want to deal with her crap. I'm so mad that she is putting me through even more stress right now and I just want to cut ties with her forever, but we live right next to each other. I just need her out of my life forever so I can focus on my own health.

Anyway, if you read all of this, thank you for listening. I just needed to get it all out, I think. I'm so frustrated.

[TelHill]

Dancinginthedeep,

I’m really sorry about your illness and the lack of sensitivity of your BPD mom. I’m glad you vented as it does help.

Don’t beat yourself up about leaning on your parents at a time of great need as an adult. Many of us with a BPD parent have done that. It simply was a reminder that they, indeed, have a personality disorder and are extremely difficult to be near.

I have a dBPD mother, have a sibling with some sort of personality disorder and a large extended family where many have strong pd traits. I have felt like I’m from another planet among these people. It’s crazy making for sure.

I know you’re venting but I’ve found 12 step programs helpful to keep my sanity. I go to Codependents Anonymous to stop the inevitable rumination and anxiety when thinking of all the awful things my family has done to me and continues to do. The composition is 50% men and 50% women. Almost everyone seems to have had an abusive childhood. They talk about setting boundaries and detaching from difficult situations and people. They say how you cannot control someone else. I have to laugh as I think they could put a photo of my raging BPD mom at her worst next to that. She definitely will not be controlled.  No one would dare try.

There are other 12 step programs around. There’s ACA and Al-Anon.

I hope you find some peace and will get healthier soon.

[So Stressed]

DancingintheDeep, I am so sorry to hear about your health issues and how your BPD Mom is treating you.  I hope you can find some peace and some space from your Mom so you can focus on  your own healing.

My Mom is undiagnosed, but most likely BPD, and I find I need to have a lot of space to keep my life peaceful and sane.  My Mom is very elderly, and I honestly thought she was going to take me down with her. She is so demanding, cruel, and abusive, and nobody deserves this.

I hope that getting out your anger and frustration here has helped, and know that we understand and hear you.

[Methuen]

Hi Dancing,

I am so sorry for for all of this - your health issues and your mom.

If only the world could understand that the word mother does not imply nurturing.

Please just take care of you.

You owe her nothing.

My heart breaks for you.  I wish these stories could be published. People like our mothers get away with this behavior because it isn’t known.  It’s secret.  What isn’t known can’t be held accountable.

I’m glad you have blocked her.  Has your husband also considered blocking her?  Truthfully, he shouldn’t feel the need to navigate her while caring for you.  He doesn’t need that.

As for her sharing your private information, one thing my counselor worked on with H and I was sharing little bits of “generalized truth” to people.

Eg “She’s a complicated person, and we never gave our consent to share our personal health information”

“She’s a complicated and difficult person and we need our own space to take care of ourselves at this time”.

The property she gave you, is it in your names or her name?

[zachira]

My heart breaks to hear about your suffering with your BPD mom and your health. Know that really getting what is going on is often a first step to change and healing. It is a long road and with time, knowledge, continuing to work on setting healthier boundaries, things will get better in many ways.