When to get a divorce and when to hold on

[Granite Chief]

I am really confused right now. I cannot tell if my wife is split or just moved away from me mentally. She wants nothing to do with me but doesn't want to get divorced and even wants a kid. I do not feel like she is playing this time, but I always feel like this when she distances herself from me like this.

What is the longest split you have seen? I think I may be reinjuring her mentally, so it seems long.

Have you ever seen someone with BPD just fall out of love and that is it. 40 years of no kisses or holding each other's hand.

I am really lost and cannot function in everyday things. Can I please have some brutal truthful advice.

Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Granite Chief;

I am really confused right now. I cannot tell if my wife is split or just moved away from me mentally. She wants nothing to do with me but doesn't want to get divorced and even wants a kid. I do not feel like she is playing this time, but I always feel like this when she distances herself from me like this.

How long has it felt like she's been distant/mentally away, this time? Days? Weeks? More?

How long would these time typically last, in the past?

What is the longest split you have seen? I think I may be reinjuring her mentally, so it seems long.

Tell me some more about that: what's going on that you think you're reinjuring her mentally?

Have you ever seen someone with BPD just fall out of love and that is it. 40 years of no kisses or holding each other's hand.

Many persons, with or without a PD, can do this. There are couples, where neither partner has a PD, that experience divorce after decades of marriage. It can be a info deficit ("I didn't know it was normal for the honeymoon phase feelings to go away, I thought it meant we were wrong for each other"), skills deficit (not knowing how to cultivate a long term relationship), culmination of small slights/resentments, discovery of infidelity... so it's not just a BPD thing, it's a human thing.

It may manifest more intensely with a pwBPD, given that part of BPD is highly intense, extremely wide ranging emotions.

What level of affection has she been able to tolerate or maybe enjoy? Words of love? Appreciation? Exchanging gifts?

It must be beyond difficult for you that she isn't open to kissing or holding hands. I'm so sorry that's going on in your marriage.

I am really lost and cannot function in everyday things. Can I please have some brutal truthful advice.

What kind of support system do you have for yourself right now?

Making a "stay or leave" decision is pretty big, and it's important not to make big decisions when we're not in a stable place. If we're feeling lonely, overwhelmed, scared, angry, lost, dazed, etc, our first priority might be to get ourselves in a healthier, more grounded place, which is a better foundation for wise decision making.

Are you talking to a counselor/therapist on your own? Priest/rabbi/clergy? Do you have some solid friend/family support? Getting a third party point of view could be helpful as you think about paths forward.

Also, I think I read that there are two kids involved, 1 yours and 1 hers -- is that true? How old are they and are they both living at home?

[Granite Chief]

This is normally a week total. We fight she pushes me away, there is a healing period, then we are close. We are on two weeks now and I know that seems paranoid, but this is not normal. She likes acts of kindness and gifts of food. I think somehow, I triggered her childhood trauma and do not know if I can reverse it. She is so mean that sometimes I have a hard time getting close to her mentally so I am sure she feels that. She wants to blow up the house then the next day make out.

I have a solid support system If I use it. She likes to keep me close and when we are like this, I feel guilty of leaving. Thank you for helping. I find psychologists can't even help me with this, so I know it is hard. I am glad I found this place. She has done DBT for a year but that was 5 years ago.