Seeking Guidance in Troubled Times

[JohnWick]

Hi all, 

This is my first post here. I’m reaching out for guidance in what has become one of the most challenging experiences of my life. Around a year ago, I entered a long-distance romantic relationship with someone who initially felt like a perfect match. We connected deeply, shared so much, and had a truly beautiful start. As time passed, our relationship became more serious, especially after we spent an incredible vacation together this past June. 

As our bond grew, she opened up to me about her struggles and past traumas. I offered her my unconditional support, and we both expressed our love for each other. It felt like a profound connection built on honesty, trust, and mutual care. However, after she returned to her home country, things began to shift. 

In late July, she confided in me about her diagnosis of BPD—something I hadn’t been aware of until then. Her therapist had suggested that she take a step back from our relationship to focus on her healing before jumping into a relationship with someone. One of the reason she suggested doing that, my GF said, was to avoid unintentionally causing harm to me.

I supported her decision fully, despite the heartbreak it brought me, promising her to stand by her side, something which I would have done regardless—my love for her is deep and I made sure she knew I would’ve never ran away. She followed up with a heartfelt letter in August, reiterating her need to focus on herself, and hence stepping back “officially”, while promising to nurture the connection we had in the meantime. Though painful, I understood her reasoning and hoped that this time apart would strengthen her and, eventually, us, as she also said that she was doing this to be better prepared for a future together and to better handle the long-distance part of our relationship.

But what followed has been far more difficult than I could have imagined. 

Since August, her communication has dwindled to almost nothing. We used to have regular video calls, but they’ve become sporadic at best. She replies to my messages only once a month, if that, and her responses are brief and distant. In September, she suggested catching up via video call, which I really wanted to do, but then she didn’t reply afterward, disappearing again. When I reached out in October through an email, she assured me that she wasn’t ignoring me on purpose but that she had been feeling like “less of herself, or perhaps more like herself” and had withdrawn into reclusiveness. She expressed that she’d enjoy catching up, but after that email, I’ve heard nothing further from her to this date.

I’m devastated. Every day feels like a struggle as I navigate this silence and the uncertainty of where we stand. I’ve seen the light in her eyes and the kindness in her soul. I know the beauty of who she is, even with her challenges. I can’t stop loving her or holding on to the hope that she’ll return to me when she’s ready. 

Throughout this silence, I’ve continued to send her messages of support, reaffirming my love and commitment to her. I’ve tried to express that I’m here for her, no matter how hard things get. But deep down, I fear that my efforts might be making things worse or pushing her further away. 

I feel stuck in a cycle of hope and heartache. I don’t know how to move forward when there’s no clarity on whether our relationship still has a future. And yet, I can’t seem to let go of the love I feel for her, no matter how painful it has become. 

I’m reaching out to this community for advice and perspective. How do I navigate this silence while still holding space for her healing? Should I continue reaching out, or is it better to give her even more space, despite the lack of communication? And most of all, how do I take care of my own heart in the midst of this overwhelming uncertainty? 

If you’ve faced something similar or have insights to share, I would be so grateful. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for offering your thoughts. Your kindness means the world to me. 

With gratitude, 
JohnWick

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EyesUp]

Leaving BPD aside for a moment, I'm trying to reconcile pushing for contact with someone who explicitly stated they want to step back.

Yes, it's super disappointing when things don't line up in any relationship - but when someone expresses a wish to step back, it seems like the best way to respect them and honor them may be to accept the situation.  It sounds like she's done exactly what she said she needed to do:  Step back.

Sorry you're going through this - To answer your questions:  Yes, consider giving her space and accepting that the relationship may or may not advance.  You can honor her choice to step back - by stepping back. 

Given the uncertainty of the situation, you are free to move forward.  She has not asked you to wait, correct?  Which would not be entirely fair anyway...

As you learn more about BPD, you will likely come to understand that repeated breakup cycles are often part of the experience.  By leaving the door wide open through ongoing communication, there's a chance that you may find yourself repeating this cycle down the road. 

I realize that you've posted on "reversing a breakup" but your question about taking care of your own heart might be better answered on "detaching".

Of course no one can answer what's right for you - except you.  However it seems like the situation you've described is fairly straightforward:  She wants space, so you should give her space.  Lack of response from her side indicates that she does not want to engage on any level. 

While I would not be surprised if she checks in down the road, you need to ask yourself:  Is this dynamic fair to you?  How can you best respect her - and respect yourself - in this situation?

Take care.