Setting Boundaries Against Silent Sabotage

[WitzEndWife]

I've mentioned this before, but my H w BPD drags his feet getting ready for anything that is MY idea or responsibility. For instance, he has been driving me to work so that he can take my car to drive Uber (his car is too old, so he cannot use it for Uber), but every morning he has been slower and slower to get ready to leave. I have a meeting every morning, and I like to get to work by 9AM, and it often takes 45 minutes to get to work. Lately, he has not been able to leave the house until 8:30, which means that I get to work sometimes 10 minutes before my meeting at 9:30, and I have to scramble to check and respond to emails as soon as I get there. When I bring up wanting to get to work on time, he either uses it as an excuse to speed and drive recklessly (he loves that also because it scares me), or he becomes enraged because I'm "complaining."
Should I wait until he is in a better mood, at a time other than in the moment, to bring up that we need to leave earlier? I also don't really know how to address other times when we are supposed to go out to dinner with my friends, and he doesn't brush his teeth or comb his hair, and puts on a wrinkled shirt, and we are still always late. He does it because he is angry that I make plans with people, but then he won't just stay home when I tell him he doesn't have to go.

Is this kind of silent sabotage common with people with BPD?

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[Tattered Heart]

I've been struggling with this same issue with my uBPDh. I noticed the pattern about 3 weeks ago and although I can't prove it, I'm pretty sure it's a control issue. If he can control my time then he wins. Fortunately my H has a poor sense of how long it takes to get somewhere so I have started giving him a leave time of 15 min earlier than what I want to leave. Even though he drags his feet, we end up leaving at the time I actually want to leave.

Another option could be to set the boundary by telling him ahead of time that you have to leave at X time. Remind him again 20 min before time, then 10 min before time, again stating that you have to leave at X time. Then if he isn't ready to leave at that time, then leave. He is going to get mad, but it also lets him know that you are serious about not being late to your meeting. The consequence for him not meeting your boundary is his fault. You have to be at work on time. Unfortunately it also means that he has to miss out on the income for the day unless he can take a bus to pick up your car.

[WitzEndWife]

I have started giving him a leave time of 15 min earlier than what I want to leave. Even though he drags his feet, we end up leaving at the time I actually want to leave.

Another option could be to set the boundary by telling him ahead of time that you have to leave at X time. Remind him again 20 min before time, then 10 min before time, again stating that you have to leave at X time. Then if he isn't ready to leave at that time, then leave. He is going to get mad, but it also lets him know that you are serious about not being late to your meeting. The consequence for him not meeting your boundary is his fault. You have to be at work on time. Unfortunately it also means that he has to miss out on the income for the day unless he can take a bus to pick up your car.

Good suggestions! I have no qualms about leaving him. I'll make sure to let him know I have to leave early, and I'll let him know I have to be there, with or without him in the car. Maybe if I leave him once or twice, he'll figure out he can't drag his feet.