Feel like leaving my H wUBPD, but can’t afford it.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think my H is getting worse. He talks incessantly, yet he doesn’t make a lot of sense.  He tries to argue with me, by just going around in circles on topics that are of no consequence to either of us.  I think I’m looking at dementia as well as BPD. 

I thought I could ride this out, by being social, spending time with friends, talking walks, signing up for fitness classes, etc.  But sometimes, it’s not enough.  As soon as I’m in his presence, he finds something to pick at or complain about.  Often times I ignore him.  Other times, I feel I’m going to lose my mind if I listen to any more of his ramblings and rants. It’s no way to live. I’m in my mid 70’s.  I’m tired.

I think I have to find a way to get out. To maybe get whatever I can out of selling our co-op, and find a place to live, in peace.It won’t be easy — real estate prices in our area are sky high, but I’m almost ready to settle for living in a room.   I might be at the end of my rope. I just need peace, without his mouth going all the time.  And I know he will fight me tooth and nail, but I don’t want to even think about his reaction. 

Recently, I’ve had a minor health issue that has hindered my mobility for about six weeks now, so I can’t get out like I used to.  This is probably why I’m suffering so much.  Hopefully, in the next few days,  when I see a specialist, I’ll be pain free and more mobile again. 

I guess I’m just venting.  If I had my life to live over again, I’d make sure I didn’t have to depend on anyone else’s income to live well. 

Perhaps I will start with a couple of days away from home in a hotel room, and then come back home and take it from there.  I desperately need a break from him.

I’m so glad it’s safe to vent here. 

Thanks so much. 

[JazzSinger]

I think my H is getting worse. He talks incessantly, yet he doesn’t make a lot of sense.  He tries to argue with me, by just going around in circles on topics that are of no consequence to either of us.  I think I’m looking at dementia as well as BPD. 

I thought I could ride this out, by being social, spending time with friends, talking walks, signing up for fitness classes, etc.  But sometimes, it’s not enough.  As soon as I’m in his presence, he finds something to pick at or complain about.  Often times I ignore him.  Other times, I feel I’m going to lose my mind if I listen to any more of his ramblings and rants. It’s no way to live. I’m in my mid 70’s.  I’m tired.

I think I have to find a way to get out. To maybe get whatever I can out of selling our co-op, and find a place to live, in peace.It won’t be easy — real estate prices in our area are sky high, but I’m almost ready to settle for living in a room.   I might be at the end of my rope. I just need peace, without his mouth going all the time.  And I know he will fight me tooth and nail, but I don’t want to even think about his reaction. 

Recently, I’ve had a minor health issue that has hindered my mobility for about six weeks now, so I can’t get out like I used to.  This is probably why I’m suffering so much.  Hopefully, in the next few days,  when I see a specialist, I’ll be pain free and more mobile again. 

I guess I’m just venting.  If I had my life to live over again, I’d make sure I didn’t have to depend on anyone else’s income to live well. 

Perhaps I will start with a couple of days away from home in a hotel room, and then come back home and take it from there.  I desperately need a break from him.

I’m so glad it’s safe to vent here. 

Thanks so much. 

[Notwendy]

If your H is having mental status changes- an evaluation is needed. PwBPD can also have other issues related to aging too.

As to selling the property. If either of you need additonal care at one point, for many people, Medicaid could possibly fill in the gap for cost. If someone is single- Medicaid will expect that all assets go to the person's care. If someone is married, and their spouse needs nursing home care- the other spouse is allowed to keep the house and other assets.

As much as you would like to sell and have two separate residences- that is likely to be costly and puts a residence at risk if one one of you needs care.

Also I don't know how your spousal social security and any pensions work if you don't stay married.

There's also the expense of a divorce and living separately.

This isn't saying you should or should not divorce or live separately but it's important to look at financial pros and cons too. Also, important to assess what is going on with your H and what medical needs there may or may not be. If he were to have dementia (hopefully not) then memory care may be something to prepare for.

Also, it may be something else causing his behavior. As my BPD mother has gotten older, how she responded to some medicine changed. She gets disoriented on one of them but once that was changed this stopped. Urinary infections, being dehydrated from not enough fluids- those can be causes too. So a good check up would be important.

I've learned these Medicare/Medicaid "rules" from my experiences with my elderly BPD mother. You are still quite young! But it is good to know the rules before you sell/buy property.

There are two ways to look ahead. One is an elder law attorney but in addition, there are Medicaid planners who advise people on how Medcaid works and how to preserve assets if possible.

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

I remember some of your prior posts, and I'm sorry to hear that your spouse hasn't let up.  I think that a while back you were considering getting away for a night or two at a hotel.  It sounds like you're due for another getaway, and maybe even for more than one night.

I'm not sure if this applies in your case, but if you're in the northern hemisphere, winter can be tough on anyone, especially after the busy holidays.  Cabin fever and low vitamin D can make people a little SAD, short for seasonal affective disorder.  If you're stuck at home with an injury or illness, it's no wonder you're feeling blue.  Maybe that's why you really need a weekend to relax and ensure you're thinking straight before making a life-altering decision.

Anyway, I thought I'd ask if you have your own space in your home right now.  The reason is that in my family, everyone had their own space except for me.  I felt like all "my" rooms were shared--where the entire family was welcome to use as they pleased, including the master bathroom.  I didn't even have my own closet--my husband shared mine, and he had a closet all to himself, too.  If I were reading in the living room, everyone thought it was OK to interrupt me, or to ask me to do or get something for them.  For the longest time I didn't have my own space that I could arrange as I wanted, ensuring that my stuff remained where I left it, and where I could have some privacy behind a closed door, taking refuge from being bothered for a while.  I'll tell you, designating a "lady lair"--a space for me and me only--was life changing.  Somehow, by having my own room with a door, people would be compelled to knock first, and I think that simple barrier helped give me a little peace, quiet and refuge when I needed it.  So if your living situation permits it, I'd recommend appropriating a space just for you.  I justified it with my husband by saying, honey, you got to do whatever you wanted with the garage, the basement (man cave / rec room / hobby area) and the study.  All the kids have privacy in their own rooms.  I need my own space too.  I can't even work for two seconds on my laptop (at the dining room table) without somebody interrupting or asking me for something.  Let me tell you, getting my own space was amazing!   Before, I'd often have to get in the car and escape to the public library to get an hour of peace, if only from the blaring TV.  There was also a secluded parking lot that I'd go to sometimes, just to get a few minutes to myself.  That might work too, but it's mush less convenient.  And here's another tip--don't ask about it, just do it if you can.

Anyway, I hope you can get some peace and rest, if only for a night.  You deserve a break.  I understand how living day in and day out with toxic negativity can be draining.