Appropriate way to react to silent treatment

[Chosen]

Hi Chosen,

Did he ever withold sex too? (if that's the nature of the relationship at the time--it's not now) Sorry if that's too personal.

It's hard to get advice on that when it happened in relationship sites as they don't know about BPD.

The consensus is if a woman can't seduce etc she is ugly. I'm not ugly. I've also been told I'm very good in bed! But he will use sex, affection, conversation as another way to rage... .  cutting them off and his high drive suddenly goes out the window.

It is not witholding sex per se, but when he wants to rage (note: wants to, as in he doesn't want to stop and doesn't want to calm down) he would withold me from even touching him.  He would have very provocative and defensive body language and would NOT let me near him.  Guess why.  I'm guessing if I touch him and stuff he may "thaw" from his anger, and he feels like raging.

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[Grey Kitty]

In the guess why department... .  one thing I've noticed about myself is that I'm ether open or closed. If I'm open, I can receive things like pain and love. If I'm closed, I don't get either one. I think this is pretty universal. And I believe that a pwBPD often has soo much pain inside themselves that they simply can't handle it. So they just slam shut, and shut you (and your love) out at the same time.

Which gets back to silent treatment / withdrawal.

Briefcase pretty much got it--find something that YOU want to do that doesn't require their participation and do it. Eventually the shell will open. You can't pry it open, and if you did, you wouldn't like what you found in there anyway!. Just offer a touch of kindness/respect/sunshine upon occasion when you can, to let them know that you will welcome them when they finally come out.

[Themis]

Thank you everyone.

Grey Kitty--- that was truly beautiful and makes a whole lot of sense. I wise I could shut off like that.

I'm not getting love, so I want to shut out the pain too.

I am doing my best to do my own thing. It takes time. I have pretty low energy levels, money and close friends.

He was the one that wanted me mostly for me. Now I'm stranded. That's a lesson to you all---no matter how loving they are or jealous... .  keep a large circle of close friends and even continue to have opposite sex relations and plenty of safety net. That way you'll never be stranded.

[Grey Kitty]

Grey Kitty--- that was truly beautiful and makes a whole lot of sense. I wise I could shut off like that.

I'm not getting love, so I want to shut out the pain too.

You are welcome. I got that in the context of a mindfulness meditation retreat.

The other part of that lesson was that the goal (for ourselves) is to build up our personal capacity to feel the pain and feel compassion instead of being overwhelmed by the pain.

We do this so that we have the capacity to stay open more, and feel the love.

No, it isn't easy. It is a lifelong process to work on. But worth it!

[arabella]

He was the one that wanted me mostly for me. Now I'm stranded. That's a lesson to you all---no matter how loving they are or jealous... .  keep a large circle of close friends and even continue to have opposite sex relations and plenty of safety net. That way you'll never be stranded.

Grey Kitty gives great advice! And, as to the above, I think the lesson is to have these things, not as a 'safety net' but because they are good things to have. A rich life can't be stolen by the whims of another and you deserve to have all manner of friends just because you're awesome!

[Tired of it]

I wish I had of seen this before.  My ex gave me the silent treatment many times when we were apart.  She would come around whenever she felt.  This last time I became upset with her stringing me along.  She asked for time and space yet again when it had been a year of going through this same episode and I told her I would try but then she would throw something in my face from before.  I guess I had reached my limit which I see after reading these boards, you can't have a limit with BPDs.  Well, I see that even if I didn't deserve what I was getting, I pushed her away for good this time which probably is a good thing.  I confronted her and pretty much let those involved that were being lied to know what was going on which ended up with me getting ousted.  Probably a good thing in the long run but sucks for now.  If I had of found my own things to do and let her do whatever she was doing, maybe she would be back by now or maybe I was just in a constant circle of this.  If it is a constant circle then I would be better off out of it.  If this is going to go on with the new guy then better him than me.  If me going on about my business would have led to her making her own decision to actually stay with me then maybe it wasn't such a good idea on my part.  Hindsight is 20/20.

[arabella]

Tired of it  - I can assure you, it would have been a constant circle. So if you aren't up for that then, yes, better to detach now. I'm sorry to hear about it though, I know how hard it is to find out after the fact and I know how hard it is to let go.

[morningagain]

In the guess why department... .  one thing I've noticed about myself is that I'm ether open or closed. If I'm open, I can receive things like pain and love. If I'm closed, I don't get either one. I think this is pretty universal. And I believe that a pwBPD often has soo much pain inside themselves that they simply can't handle it. So they just slam shut, and shut you (and your love) out at the same time.

Which gets back to silent treatment / withdrawal.

Grey Kitty - chiming in and adding my 

This is so very true for me and my separated dBPD wife.  In my wife's case it was withdrawal, but never silent treatment - not sure because I didnt experience it, but silent treatment would have been a welcome relief -

This is such a good point you make and something that helps to empathize with a BPD.  Perhaps just as or even more important, it helps in self-awareness.  I never seem to progress in my own maturity until I raise my own level of understanding to some degree.  I probably understood what you have stated for awhile now, maybe just that i had all the fragments, but the way you put it is so clear, compassionate, and concise.  Thank you

[Themis]

 

I appreciate the affectionate and kind comments, Miss Arabella. Yes, I am building up friends at a normal, slow, plodding non pace.

If only I had the magical *just add water" instant friends of the BPD.

[Grey Kitty]

I am building up friends at a normal, slow, plodding non pace.

If only I had the magical *just add water" instant friends of the BPD.

Geez, I know that feeling all too well. I think that there are "skills" that a BPD has which show up in the honeymoon phase, really getting inside somebody's head and showing them something of a reflection of the person they just met.

My wife still has access to some of that, and I am so envious of those abilities. I do develop friendships, but it seems so slow in comparison, and I seem to stall out lots of times too.

I guess we just have to do it the long, slow, hard way. 

[Themis]

Thank you for the understanding!

Yes, I've had to lose a lot of friends, and mutual friends, and basically starting again in so many ways. It takes a damn long time.

I have quite good people skills, I do a lot of customer service jobs. But yeah I have the "stalling" thing too.

I get into a good conversation with a new person, forget to get their number or decide I should let them ask for mine. Then I don't see them again for weeks.

Even if I have their number, I find it hard with new friends. Ringing someone up I barely know out of the blue to try to fill an empty Saturday with. Generally it comes off a little odd.

But he can do the same thing with such ease. Seriously. He gets invited to have dinner and sleep over another guys house in just two weeks.

I want a girlfirnd I can escape too.

But really I don't know how to get that close to her so quickly without looking a little creepy?

He seems to be doing all the same things I do---big smile, open gestures, hand shake, jokes... .  but where is the point or little hook that says "invite me to your house, feed me dinner, give me lifts everywhere"

How on Earth does he do that part?

If he has enough of me he can just go out and stay with some friend. I can't do that. My best friend lives 3hrs away one direction.


And that's something I asked in another post. We both don't have cars. It's been a pain for me.

But he gets lifts everywhere... .  How? Some people he just met too, they offer a lift... .  

How? I can't even get one without blantantly asking and even then may not get a yes.

I am building up friends at a normal, slow, plodding non pace.

If only I had the magical *just add water" instant friends of the BPD.

Geez, I know that feeling all too well. I think that there are "skills" that a BPD has which show up in the honeymoon phase, really getting inside somebody's head and showing them something of a reflection of the person they just met.

My wife still has access to some of that, and I am so envious of those abilities. I do develop friendships, but it seems so slow in comparison, and I seem to stall out lots of times too.

I guess we just have to do it the long, slow, hard way.  

[SeaTortoise]

It sounds like he's avoiding you. My dBPDh does this to me. He gets stressed/angry/overwhelmed/whatever and I just become one more headache to him. A thing to be avoided. He stays out of the house just so he doesn't risk having to interact with me when he's in those moods. He buries himself in his computer too. The more I try, the angrier (or more frustrated) he gets. I can't win so I stopped playing that game. I just ignore him. Which, until you started asking questions, was going quite well for you too - he came up with a positive interaction that one night. The interaction just has to be on his terms. Is this fair? Heck no! But that's what you've signed up for living with a pwBPD. I'm still working on radically accepting this myself.

You need to take care of yourself. He isn't capable of helping you right now. He can't soothe you or tell you what you want to hear. He isn't doing this to be mean - he really can not do it. It isn't in him and he doesn't understand. So the question is, what are you going to do to make yourself feel better? What's the plan for YOU?

I want to say thank you for this response. I have an ex with BPD and we've continued to stay friends over the years. It has been mostly positive and we've both learned and grew a lot about what we could do to be better, but recently, she abruptly left our voice chat and began to withdraw herself completely from me. I was going crazy trying to figure out what it is that I did this time that might've upset her. I asked to find out, only to be replied "I shouldn't even have to explain. I don't want to be mean so I don't want to discuss it." I knew from previous experience that I should respect her wishes and give her space.
But my emotional reaction was to be angry and frustrated. I thought "She was asking for help with something and I was only telling her things that I thought might help, so why did she suddenly hate me? Isn't this manipulative to not tell me what I did? How am I supposed to learn from it?!" It got me spiraling about the times that I was called hurtful things and I began thinking about why I even continue to let this relationship happen to me.
But after lots of reflection and this post, I realize now that it's not about me. It's about how I was just another drill in an already frustrated and stimulating situation. This realization is helping me to really step back and recount how all other times she reacted this way, it was usually from an extreme overstimulation she was experiencing, whether it be from fear or pain.
I wish I could tell her that I've made this realization and that I'm sorry, but for now it's probably best that I keep a distance and let her come back at her own pace. Part of me wishes I could tell her how this situation made me feel, but I already know that her reactions to overstimulating events is not something she can control. But you're right, I did sign up to keep someone with BPD in my life, and I'm willing to keep learning and growing from each experience to keep her in my life. Thank you!