Appropriate way to react to silent treatment

[Themis]

I can see in my interactions here that there are many people wanting to know more about:

-silent treatment

-breaks (being in limbo as they go away, disappear, don't fully break-up, ignore)

-being avoided by pwBPD

& there is mixed advice when you do a search and look at different conversations about this.

I've read through a lot of the valuable lessons---I think SET is fantastic. I really appreciate what I've learnt here so far, so I'm ready to validate him instead of fighting next time we actually have a conversation. I wish I had these tools a long time ago.

But erm... .  there's no conversation. Except little sentences that basically tell me "get back firey hell-spawn woman!" Ok, he never said that, but keeping my humour, and sense of purpose here is really helping me. I'm on a mission, and laughing along the way.

To quote the Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy: ":)on't Panic!"

Right. We're not going to panic! But now what?   

":)ear god, does anybody know?" Ok. I'm calm. I'm cool. I'm just chilling. That didn't happen. I'm cool. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tigerabbit]

Your post just sort of gave me an epiphany that I think will be really helpful for me, and maybe for others.

My pwBPD has expressed to me that he absolutely needs me to give him space and wait for him to contact me, which I have been struggling with immensely. As I was reading this, it hit me that not controlling my urges to contact him, even if it's just sending him a link to a song that reminds me of him and us, is acting to invalidate him. He has told me before that it just shows him I don't care about him, but for some reason that hasn't really stuck or made it so I can consistently control my impulses. I think, and hope, that thinking of it in these terms will really help me to give him what he needs.

It hasn't been that I don't care about him, but I have been being selfish and putting my suffering due to not being in touch with him before his needs for space, and hence invalidating him through my looking to be validated by him! Oh man... .  sometimes it makes me feel so silly when suddenly something that I already knew is made so much more clear just by being put in different terms... .  Sigh! 

[Chosen]

So what do you do when you are undergoing to spout of silent treatment, Themis?

I have to say, my uBPDh doesn't so that very often.  He usually just rages... .  however, I think a good way to deal with silent treatment is not to be over needy.

As women, sometimes we can't stand being ignored and stuff and we want to make things right- I know I do, and it's the Rescuer in us that urges us to do that.  However, the pwBPDs will react negatively to us coaxing them out of their silent treatment, because it gives them power ("She wants me to talk?  I will continue with the silent treatment to punish her!".  Maybe they don't do it consciously, but still.

So the best way is to try and continue with life, give them the "space" they need (but not ignoring them.  You can ask/ invite them to do stuff, and if they don't really answer, at least you have asked.).  It may still go on for a bit but stick it through.  pwBPDs crave to be close too, and sooner or later they know it is not much fun as their silent treatment didn't make you mad or beg for them, and they will slowly come out of that episode.  At least this is how it was for me.

[Themis]

Hi Chosen,

Did he ever withold sex too? (if that's the nature of the relationship at the time--it's not now) Sorry if that's too personal.

It's hard to get advice on that when it happened in relationship sites as they don't know about BPD.

The consensus is if a woman can't seduce etc she is ugly. I'm not ugly. I've also been told I'm very good in bed! But he will use sex, affection, conversation as another way to rage... .  cutting them off and his high drive suddenly goes out the window.

What do I do during a silent treatment?  Well what I used to do is ask: "What's wrong?" and try to be nice to him.

First I was caring, then I get upset, then I cry and say it is unfair "what did I do?"

Then I got really angry. I didn't tell him about my life either. I ignored back.

Now I am doing it better. In between the two heart symbols I have described what I have been doing lately and it has been relatively successful.

opps---that was in another post. The post is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196021.0

It's the forth one down.

[laelle]

As far as sex, it may be an avoidance tactic.  Its easy for someone not in a serious relationship to have sex because there is really no intimacy involved, and BPD's not only fear it, but sometimes dont even know what intimacy feels like.  Wanting/Needing = love, not intimacy. 

Sex brings out those issues for them.

When having sex they are forced with having to deal with this "damaged" part of them.  This can bring up all the BPD triggers.  Fear of intimacy, engulfment, Fear of rejection or abandonment, Disgust in themselves.  Some have even abused emotionally or even sexually.  I dont know your partners story personally, but its a tough road to be a BPD. I can see how sex would cause distress at times.

Its not about you.  No way are you ugly.  Its hard to not take personally, but try to think of it as he loves you so much he fears being with you.

It takes time, but its something that can be worked through.  Its important that you dont take it personally because it just adds to his guilt.  Let him know you love him and find him sexy.  Working through some of the issues in your relationship could help to resolve this one too.  A day at a time.

[wanttoknowmore]

Themis,

Good topic. It seems that there is consensus how to react to silent treatment. I understand that best reaction is no reaction and give them the space until they want to come out of their ice age.

To me ,big curiosity is "why they suddenly need to do this silent treatment ? What is the motive?

What goes on in their minds? Do they have any conscious control in doing this or this just happens to them?"

Will appreciate comments on ... .  CAUSE OF SILENT TREATMENT."

[inepted]

Im still going through that ice age right now. Going on almost 4 weeks now. I think a lot of it has to do with what else is currently going on in their life. If they have someone else to fill that emptiness, they have no use for you. They dont have the energy to talk to you.  Initially when I tried to talk to her about what she's feeling and getting back together, she said right out "whatever connection we had, is gone now".

As far as the cause goes, I can only speculate. Its all anyone can really do. Since we went on a break, My pwBPD has made little comments like "I can take care of myself", "I dont need you". Id like to think pushing me away like this is currently her way of trying to prove she doesn't need help from anyone especially me, even if she doesn't see her destructive path right now. Another theory I have is its possibly some kind of test. Whenever we've tried talking about what's going on, she refuses to speak in absolutes. Its never, "I dont want to get back together" or "I dont want you to wait around for me" Everything she says is always preceded with Maybe's or "I dont know" or "Im confused". Or perhaps Im simply overanalyzing. I have a tendency to do that.

[wanttoknowmore]

Inepted,

In your case ,she is atleast reacting... though in negative manner... still talking. In my case its a deadning silence. No anwer to call/text. Yes, about, test... in the past she used to do this and when I didnot contact, she will finally contact me. She would say I was busy ... .  I was thinking to call myself. I know not true. It was her way of testing how much I will chase or how committed I am.

This is our worst patch... 9 days of silence. Our picture remains on her facebook cover as it was. Not much activity on her facebook. Unusual for her. Last I saw her, she looked a mess. What may be going on? I keep wondering. How do you know if they are with someone else,if they are not communicating at all?

[inepted]

Inepted,

In your case ,she is atleast reacting... though in negative manner... still talking. In my case its a deadning silence. No anwer to call/text. Yes, about, test... in the past she used to do this and when I didnot contact, she will finally contact me. She would say I was busy ... .  I was thinking to call myself. I know not true. It was her way of testing how much I will chase or how committed I am.

This is our worst patch... 9 days of silence. Our picture remains on her facebook cover as it was. Not much activity on her facebook. Unusual for her. Last I saw her, she looked a mess. What may be going on? I keep wondering.

Well, this is the longest we've gone as well in terms of how cold she is at me. We only talk if Im the one to make the move.  Even then, 75% of the time my messages just get ignored, at which point I shrug it off before I get mad by the lack of respect. Its not that she's busy, because she does nothing lately except casual sex with 'friends'. She used to occasionally post to Facebook about what she's been doing, but since we broke up, it's silence, which I find incredibly odd as well. Between me, her parents and her therapist, she also has different stories and lies she tells each of us, so occasionally her mom and I talk to try and understand where the truth is. The times we do talk she seems to genuinely believe she's happy, and so all I can do is believe what she says. Maybe she's faking, but there isnt anything I can do except wonder as well.

[whatathing]

Hello, I to wonder about this. And I´d like to add another observation: during NC, it seems that my uBPDex is much more interested in things, while with me she just stays there, showing not much of an identity, which obviously interferes with our relationship. So, it occurred to me that maybe a part of the cause of the silence an NC is their need to try to get unmeshed, to find themselves in some sort of way, because closeness, for them, is equal to not being themselves. And maybe these behaviours you mention, being with other people, etc., maybe it´s not only about having us painted black, but is a way of trying to have a life of their own, a sense of self, as little as it may be.

Does it  make sense? Does anybody else feel that they suddenly have new hobbies, new opinions, etc., when they go away, and that you wish they had had it while they were with you? I find it unfair, because when I was with her, I was the one that tried to help her be herself and get involved with her own things, and now that she does that, she also doesn´t want to see me.

[wanttoknowmore]

Guess what? She broke her silence finally after I sent a text"i am sorry... I hurt your feelings"

Here comes a long text... two times the same matter... .  She is talking about God... how she want to get married to a man who is into God... God has plan and that we need to move on... one door closes another opens... .  and so on. I am so amused. Suddenly, she is into GOD which she never was. I saw the white rosary hanging in front of her car. Funny, how BPDs can suddenly change thier color according to the person they are with. She is with a female friend who is a GOD enmeshed woman and preaches all the time. I have a feeling that her God-Fevr is also temporary just like the other fevers has dissipated in the past.  The words "never ever" etc. does not last long. Its a phase too. What do you think?

[arabella]

Themis, I read your post on the other thread you linked to. I agree that detaching from the silent treatment is the way to go. i.e. Basically just ignore the silence, snapping, glaring, etc. So far this has been the only thing to work for me. I had similar results too - he started to thaw, was less angry, etc.

As for causes... .  Well, I'm sure there are many, but in the case of my BPDh it's very much that he really does need space. He gets overwhelmed with his own emotions and thoughts and any input from me (as in, ANY AT ALL) just adds to his burden and confusion. So I ask nicely but take it at face value when he says 'no' to things and, most importantly, I stopped taking his rejection personally. Once he realized that I wasn't going to demand something every time I walked in the room, he stopped being upset when I walked in the room. When he's in one of those BPD silent modes, he really isn't capable of responding to my needs - so I had to learn to stop asking, including the indirect 'demands' (e.g. crying, anger, etc.) that pressure him to respond or acknowledge me. That's my take on it anyway - basically that our emotional responses just heap more stuff on their already dysregulated and overwhelmed systems, so they withdraw even more in an attempt to protect themselves (and us, really).

I think this applies equally to sex too. It's just too much sensory input, especially if the pwBPD actually LIKES the partner, and so they avoid it. Casual sex seems to be different - not as demanding, more of a sense of achievement (conquest?), no fear of abandonment, no pressure to follow-up, no real expectations - i.e. all take, no give. I'd consider it a compliment if your BPD significant other is in a silent mode and stops having sex with you!

[wanttoknowmore]

Arabela,

I really like your explanation. It makes so much sense. I am fully convinced that they should be given space and time for them to settle down their overactive emotional system.

It was very helpful. Please keep posting.

[Themis]

Hi guys,

Yes all these replies are helpful, I read them all.   Hugs for everyone! (if you want it!)

Well, well, well.

He spent so many years complaining to me that he is bad at making friends. Lately he has been making friends with more skill than a professional friends-maker.

I really wish I had that skill! I make connections quickly, I can light up a room with my silly jokes and smile. BUT I can't do that thing he does. Where after ONE meeting he gets invited to their house or for coffee/lunch/dinner.

That's something I usually have to build up to. I make "friends" everywhere on the bus, train, standing in line. I am one of those people that can maybe get a number very quickly or strike up a conversation with a stranger.

But I'm not quite on his level. I have never gotten that stranger to feel all buddy-buddy with me and then have coffee with them. Usually after the number seeing we just meet I might call once or text and it fizzles out.

Most of my friends I made if I saw them at work/study/daily train on a regular basis to build something up.

Maybe once in a blue moon I might find another woman and only if we were walking in the same direction then I have lunch with them. But it's hard for me.

He can meet someone in one night and they'll invite him into the circle of friends for dinner... .  that is talent!

The other weird thing is we both don't drive. It's generally fine, and cheaper in the city, but sometimes it's a big pain. like coming home late on the train is a bit dodgy. Well he never seems to be out of lifts... .  

How he does it... .  I don't know. But he can pretty much get driven around everywhere... .  I also wish I had that magic power. He even goes places he knows will require a car. I don't do that because maybe you can't get a lift. But he seems to just know/assume he will get one.

It makes me wonder why he needs to be so mad seeing if he wants to he can get things in life with ease.

Soo, he stopped by for 30seconds before ducking out to see a new friend. He broke the silence to smile at me and say hello and seemed really happy.

I was happy for him. Maybe all this time he was just lonely. But he had friends... .  

I am happy for him, but have mixed feelings of jealousy, annoyed that now he's happy and it suits him he says "hi" after growling at me for a month.

I am happy, so I hope this means an end to my discarding... .  I'll know by tonight. If he comes home. I'm going out so it won't be until late night.

I still hope that someone slaps him in the face. I'm happy for him but he still need to be bashed up.

I'm allowed to think that!

[Themis]

I have to admit all his friend making is making me feel bad about my lack of friends.

I have them but they live far away.

I have a very large circle of acquaintences, but none close enough I could just ring and hang out with at short notice, without looking like a weirdo.

It takes me time to build up something with people. And seeing I'm an ambivert... .  bordering on extrovert in certain situations... .  when I'm in a room full of people I will walk around talking to many people, hoping to get to know a little about each.

If I connect with someone I'll stop and keep talking to them. If they don't seem to be taking to me I move on.

Well most people take to him if he puts on the charm. When he is his moody self, most people are "what's up with that guy"

they think he is a creep or arrogant. But mostly if he wants to, they laugh and he's charming.

I can do this a bit easier with the opposite sex, but he can do that to the same-sex which is true skill, as there's no flirting, just genuine connection building.

If I want to, I can lightly flirt, and this builds rapport and ease quickly with men, but obviously not with making girlfriends.

If I want to befriend another woman It take my time, and find it hard-going.

I feel I am well-liked, in a wide reaching kind of way, but still building close friends. He can do that in like one or two months.

Then they will be his best friend. Amazing.

We both used to be introverts, he was a much bigger introvert than me. So this metamorph is very strange indeed.

[Daveh]

I posted the following on another board because I just cant understand what I did!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196044.0

This is the first time it has been this long, over 5 weeks now, I just don't see what I did to cause her to do this to me.

I am so very confused!

[almost789]

More silent withdraw. Erie how similar all these stories are. Mine did this ALOT, also sexual withdraw too. It all stems from the fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. The closer they get the more difficult it becomes to perform both mentally and physically.

[Themis]

Well I came home. It's almost 11pm he's still out.

The thing that gets me is he made such a song and dance about being bad at making friends, and about staying out late on work nights.

He'd complain about that and say "I need sleep, I can't be out too late" well for about 5 weeks now he discarded me, made friends like a mating butterfly (all that rubbish about being shy)

and all that stress about being home before ten. Well what rubbish.

He does what he wants when it suits him. Maybe it didn't suit him before because I'd talk with other people. I can't do that, but he can. Is everything a competition? Must he always have the upper hand?

I don't buy the fear of intimacy, because we've been much closer when we first started dating.

He never did this, nothing like this &  never for so long.

He's never been a friendly person, never gone out, never ignored me rudely for a long period of time for no reason.

Now I wonder what to do if he is all happy and acts like nothing happened after all this time.

I don't want him to think this is fine.

[Daveh]

My SO lives 750 miles away so unlike you Themis, I have NO idea what she may be up to, I have simply been told not to make any effort to be in contact. I asked in an email if she was dumping me and didn't love me anymore and her answer was just "If you keep on like this dumping may be the only option". No mention of her feelings toward me!

All I had done was to send daily emails telling her how I loved her, would always be by her side and would be here when she was ready.

I am now concerned that should I drop all communication (from my side) that it will then validate her previous  comments that I let her down, an never there for her, lie to her, don't listen, and have simply used her.

Seems I am damned if I do damned if I don't! Anyone with thoughts on how to handle this one?

[almost789]

Hi Themis, what do u mean u dont 'buy' the fear of intimacy? You dont believe yours has it?  Mine was intimate. Very intimate and made love iin a very intimate way, in the beginning. I too get confused with the 'switch' in behavior. Mine also was really intimate with his communication, in the beginning. Again another switch, makes u feel like it was all an act. But I dont think it is. I think it has more to do with what happens to their brain once they reach  a level of intimacy thats too much and engulfment takes over. It is definitly a conflicting state for him and for you. You sound like your switching back and forth from sypathy and empathy to anger and resentment. I do that to. Its confusing.

[almost789]

Sadly. Dave, they dont want us to love them. It triggers them. They want it, but they cant take it at the same time. Love triggers them.

[Daveh]

Oh man Lifegoeson2! Is that something that therapy will help her with? Is it something I can help with?

My SO was always incredibly intimate as well, we have shared things that we could do with no other, but it has got to the point now where sometimes a part of me wishes I didn't care about her or love her so completely as I do, it would make life so much easier, but deep down I know I cannot abandon her, her happiness means so much to me.

Seeing a T myself for the 2nd time tomorrow, can hardly wait, I need the support and advice of T and all on these boards.

Thanks all 

[almost789]

You know what Dave, Yes therapy can help. But, she has to be the one to want to work in therapy to get better. And, you have to get the right therapist. I would venture to say at least 75% (or more) of therapists are useless when it comes to BPD and/or make it worse.

[Themis]

I am admittedly reacting to him. He's being so cruel, I have never had an urge to wack him, but I dearly want to. I hope some masked ninjas will kickbox him---just a little for karma!

He needs a consequence. (If someone wants to volunteer to kickbox him for me and run off into the shadows please PM me LOL.!)

Last night when he finally came home at midnight, I broke the silence because the previous night when he ducked in for a minute he was chirpy and spoke to me.

He seemed happy to be seeing his friend, and I felt happy for him. I also felt relievd as I thought this menat the end of this silent nightmare.

He said "see you tomorrow" happily. Such a cute little smile, like an excited little boy. It was enough to disarm me and bring out the sympathy.

I know I am a fool, he puts me though hell for weeks---but having that hint of a smile and things being OK again was enough to defrost me.

Then "tomorrow" came, and I asked what he was up to and how he was... .  well he at least gives a vague idea before---but he left me with the horrible burning curiousity of not knowing at all.

I don't even know if the friend he saw this time was male or female.

I asked him what did he do he said "stuff" I asked him who he saw---then he started yelling that he was tired.

I got roped into snapping and said it was his fault for being tired---stop having late nights.

This is driving me insane not knowing this time who he saw or what he was doing for so long.

He doesn't drink, so what can he be doing so late at night? This is not like him.

He's not into clubs or all that stuff. I know his routine. This bothers me greatly. I can't relax. I just want to know if it was a female friend or not and the vague idea what they did. Went for dinner or what. Then I can relax instead of letting my mind come up with all sorts of horrible possibilities that they were doing.

This morning I decided to be honest. I told him he leaves early for work and comes back so late we don't have a chance to talk.

I admitted what he is doing is mean, and is making me feel sick and confused. He was in a rush to leave and didn't care.

I can't wait till he is not in a rush because I never see him lately. He will come home so late yell "I'm tired"

Then sit up on the couch with his laptop... .  tired my butt.

So I have no chance but the two minutes in the morning. This is really unfair on me. I just want to get on with my own life, but I have no idea what he is doing or what is going on---so it's like he is trapping me and not letting me. I have been physically ill from all this.

It's taking a huge toll. It interrupts my day and MY social life as by the end of the day I've been feeling so sick.

I am angry.

As far as sympathy... .  I have sympathy for people on death-row. It's my nature to want to be kind.

It doesn't change the fact I still want those ninjas. I am really stressed.

His intimacy well... .  we broke up so there's no intimacy... it went down... .  for a long time... .  we were getting along ok... .  it should be the opposite of engulfment because we weren't even "together"

I don't think it has to do with that this time.

But he is insistent on the "I don't care/ you mean nothing" romp---and people that truly don't care don't need to make that much effort not to care.

But now I think he truly hates me. Not out of fear but he's totally painted me black. Only someone that hated another could do this.

He knows I am in distress.

[Themis]

After all this we still don't have an answer as to what to do about these mostly silent/ignoring/avoiding rages.

Daveh-- I am sorry to hear your pain. What she is doing is plain disrespectful. It leaves you hanging and with mixed signals.

Maybe I am biased as right now I am so frustrated/had enough of this. I feel disrespected. and a great sense of injustice.

If I were in your position, it would depend how long she had been doing it, and if she has done it before. If this is a frequent thing, then I would have enough. I would feel like there are only so many times someone can drop someones heart pick it up, promise not to do it again and then immediately drop-kick it.

If it's the first time, then that does add to the confusion, and makes us more patient--as it's not a stunt pulled before.

We wonder what we did to make it this bad. It somewhow becomes all our fault. It is hurtful.

You sound really, really hurt  and like a very kind man. You are so determined not to abandon her.

But it seems like she is giving you no choice "damned if you do, damned if you don't"

It does seem like a catch-22. This is out of my newbie experience. This silent treatment/leaving/mixed signals thread needs the help of a professional.

I honestly have no idea. It also depends on how you feel. You look like you really love her and are on the staying boards so that makes it complicated.

How to enforce consequences at the same time as staying is a hard one.

If I think of anything I'll let you know.

All I'd suggest is maybe backing off. If she has has hostile reactions to your love and care---- don't keep throwing it at her like confetti.

She's in no place to appreciate it.

Just be there if you want to be supportive, but let her contact first.

[arabella]

 

Themis, you're making this about you and, well, it's not. It's him. It isn't about whether he loves you or hates you or just doesn't care. He probably doesn't even know. His behaviour is his coping mechanism in a world operating in a different reality - it's all skewed.

You're obsessing over what he does and where he goes and with who. (Fully empathize - I do this too, even though I know it's unhealthy and I'm trying to stop.) So do as I say and not as I do and STOP. You can't control it. You can't make him tell you. Even if you find out all the answers, it won't make any difference. All those things are done and over with, it doesn't matter. And the more you ask, the more he pushes back and shuts down.

It sounds like he's avoiding you. My dBPDh does this to me. He gets stressed/angry/overwhelmed/whatever and I just become one more headache to him. A thing to be avoided. He stays out of the house just so he doesn't risk having to interact with me when he's in those moods. He buries himself in his computer too. The more I try, the angrier (or more frustrated) he gets. I can't win so I stopped playing that game. I just ignore him. Which, until you started asking questions, was going quite well for you too - he came up with a positive interaction that one night. The interaction just has to be on his terms. Is this fair? Heck no! But that's what you've signed up for living with a pwBPD. I'm still working on radically accepting this myself.

You need to take care of yourself. He isn't capable of helping you right now. He can't soothe you or tell you what you want to hear. He isn't doing this to be mean - he really can not do it. It isn't in him and he doesn't understand. So the question is, what are you going to do to make yourself feel better? What's the plan for YOU?

[Themis]

Hi Arabella,

I really appreciate your reply. You are right. My backing off was finally going somewhere after all this time---but then my curiousity, and worry finally got the better of me. I had to know. I want those ninjas to come with truth serum, phone books and a light! I just really wanted to know.

Well as for my plans this really threw me. Despite years of his BPD moods, (very long relationship)

things only lasted 2 days or so. It was worth it as he is so incredible and supportive.

I suffer from depression. My close friends moved far away. I have some friends but not close. My family is not the most helpful. He was my best friend, my family, my help.

I put up with his moods, because he put up with mine.

I felt slightly lost at first. I don't really have many people to talk to or help me---he was that person.

Having him pull back from me is abandoning for me, I really have the rug pulled out from under me.

I'm trying hard to make new friends, but to get to that level of affection where I can just trust them with this stuff and hug them--takes time.

Not having a hug most days from my pwBPD is really hard on me. I grew accustomed to that.

I have spells of loneliness since he pushed me away.

I know it is unhealthy but until I had more solid connections beside him, he was very loving, and very deep person.

He was that friend, and even in this situation, I want to ring him up and tell him about what he is doing... .   if you know what I mean.

I truly have my own needs, and I think someone with someone who has BPD like this needs to be a lot stronger than me.

But with "normal" guys they weren't really as affectionate or had that clinger phase that he gave me.

In those cases I was the one with more problems. I felt like we really helped each other. People wondered why I stay with him, well I'd tell them why would he stay with me?

I have almost as many "issues" as far as being quite a sad person.

He was the best friend.  :'( :'( :'( I'm choked up now. Sorry.

[Daveh]

After all this we still don't have an answer as to what to do about these mostly silent/ignoring/avoiding rages.

Hi Themis:

Thanks, but I wonder if what you say and the results of making that first contact may show that your advice is the best thing.

Just as you sound, it breaks my heart to not be able to help them, but I can see how it can make things worse if we don't follow their request for time and space. I just wonder how much of that time and space will be needed, it's not seeing any light at the end of a very long tunnel that seems to hurt us both so much. All I can say is from what I read on here we are not alone, and much of the support we need is here.

Thanks for your thoughts and kind words. I hope we can both get through this with our love intact. With this kind of help I feel I have a damn good chance of success.

[arabella]

Aw, Themis, I hear you! I'm in a similar position myself and so much of what you've written sounds very familiar. I put a lot of my emotional eggs into one BPD basket (my husband). And now the basket's fallen apart and I'm left reeling. I even got turned down for a hug today. It really sucks.

I actually started a thread over on the Personal Inventory board as I'm trying to sort out how to be my own support. Maybe check it out and see if you can get some ideas? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196192.0 *EDIT: so after I posted this I saw your post on the other thread - haha! Thanks for keeping up with me!*

I think the key here is that we need to work on ourselves. We can't keep relying on others to pull us up or to soothe us. I'm not exactly sure how to do this, but I'm determined to make it work. I need to be okay with myself, for myself, first and foremost. Try to think of this as a great opportunity to work on your own issues while he's distracted. Can you call some of your good friends for support? What are you doing to make yourself feel better and to pass the time?

[briefcase]

Silent treatments are painful to endure.  The best advice I have received was to simply go about your business, look after your own needs, and let them come around when they are ready. Don't chase them by constantly initiating contact.  Don't try to soothe them.  Let them work it out in their own head.

This can be much easier said than done.  To be able to do this, you have to work on some loving detachment.  When we are emotionally enmeshed with our partner, it's easy to panic when our "other half" suddenly goes silent.  The panic/fear triggers us to try to reconnect in some way.  Ironically, all the scrambling around we do trying to get them to acknoweldge us is unattractive to them and counter-productive to us.