Grew up with a Single parent Mother With BPD - Healing , CPTSD

[Artymum]

I am so grateful to have found this site—thank you to those who run it.

I have CPTSD from growing up with a single mother who had BPD. One sibling coped by validating and pleasing her, and became the emotional crutch, I became both the emotional and physical punching bag. The physical abuse stopped when I was 13, once I realized I was strong enough to restrain my mother. She was physically abusive to both of us.

Our mother cut off all family and social ties, making us her entire world. Over the years, I have distanced myself, as I found the family dynamic never changed—despite moments when my sibling and I were able to reconnect and talk about our childhood and teenage years. Still I was the black sheep, "something was wrong with me ." I think Mother projected everything she didn't like about herself onto me.

Now, at 48, after years of counseling and various therapies, I am considering EMDR. Has anyone tried it? I struggled to connect with CBT and didn’t find it particularly helpful.

I have three beautiful children and have been with their wonderful dad for 20 years. More than anything, I want to be the best version of myself for them all—especially as my children navigate their teenage years. I also want to stop constantly talking about my mother to my poor husband! The CPTSD makes me hypervigilent, anxious and often in another world having emotional flashbacks. This can be as simple as for example one of my children being sick and me comforting them. A memory will popup from no where of me being sick as a child and being hit and shouted out for making a mess . Then I am not fully present with my child, though I am holding them I'm elsewhere. I would love to get better from this.

[zachira]

I am also the scapegoat of the family and have Complex PTSD. What helped me the most to move forward from all the abuse was EMDR. My therapist eventually stopped giving me EMDR because of how traumatizing it was to her clients. I was very disappointed because it really helped me. I often suffered from periods of disassociation after the sessions for about a week after therapy. I had to put myself together before I could drive home after the therapy session. I was fine once my therapist increased the session to 1 1/2 hours which is supposed to be the standard protocol for EMDR. The 1 1/2 hour session allows the therapist to put the client back together before leaving. Absolutely try EMDR!

[Artymum]

Hello ,

So sorry to hear you also had this experience. Thank you so much for your response, this is really good to hear and interesting to know about the hour and a half sessions being best . Really good information to go forward with. Do you still stay in touch with your family if your don't mind me asking. How do you approach these difficult relationships whilst still managing CPTSD? x

[zachira]

I am no contact and low contact with most of my large extended family. It is a very sad situation. There are five generations of scapegoats on one side of the family. When my parents were alive, I spent literally hundreds of hours listening to my parents scapegoat certain siblings who were always nice to me and who tried to earn the love of the family by being especially generous to the family, were still scapegoats no matter what they did. Later in life, I realized that I was not the horrible person most of the family saw me as. When I went no contact with my sister with NPD the war began and many family members became my sister's flying monkeys, taking my sister's side without knowing my side of the story and trying to force me back into my role as family scapegoat. As time has gone on, the family wants less and less to do with me as I maintain my boundaries. I realize my no longer willing to be the scapegoat is very uncomfortable for them. I am overall emotionally healthier than in the past through many years of soul searching and therapy. I do feel sad about not having many friends and family, as I have spent most of my life in dysfunctional relationships. I am gradually making new friends, though I will always wish I had been born into a loving family. I am a work in progress, maturing into a healthy adult and moving away from behaving like my disordered family members. My CPTSD is not as bad as it used to be, with less periods of extreme arousal. I sleep better and am more emotionally present for myself and others. There is a great deal of hope for you, that you will get better, as you are willing to go to therapy and seeking ways to feel better. It takes time, one step forward and two steps back, until there are more steps forward than steps back. I have found this site to be extremely helpful, as the members get it here. I have been posting here for several years, getting support and helping others.

[Lalisa]

Hi ArtyMum, I too grew up with a single mother with uBPD. I'm 45 now and finally feel like I am healing. My driving force, like you, is for my children, my husband, and for myself. I've had various forms of therapy for many years including CBT, and psychoanalytic therapy. What I found most helpful in the past 2 years was EDMR and something called core process psychotherapy - it's based on Buddhism and mindfullness  ( but you don't need to be Buddhist) and explores the space where mind and body meet. I was very unconnected from my body and this new awareness has been transformative. I discovered the pain I was holding in various parts of my body and I am trying to release that pain and live in the present. Compassion for yourself and those around you, including my mother, are a focus of the therapy.

 I think I had come to the end of talk therapy, I was so sick of talking/obsessing about my mother and the past - I could not get her out of my mind/body. EDMR with the above theraputic approach worked for me.

Sending you hope and compassion. This forum is so helpful and validating - so many kind people.

[Artymum]

I am no contact and low contact with most of my large extended family. It is a very sad situation. There are five generations of scapegoats on one side of the family. When my parents were alive, I spent literally hundreds of hours listening to my parents scapegoat certain siblings who were always nice to me and who tried to earn the love of the family by being especially generous to the family, were still scapegoats no matter what they did. Later in life, I realized that I was not the horrible person most of the family saw me as. When I went no contact with my sister with NPD the war began and many family members became my sister's flying monkeys, taking my sister's side without knowing my side of the story and trying to force me back into my role as family scapegoat. As time has gone on, the family wants less and less to do with me as I maintain my boundaries. I realize my no longer willing to be the scapegoat is very uncomfortable for them. I am overall emotionally healthier than in the past through many years of soul searching and therapy. I do feel sad about not having many friends and family, as I have spent most of my life in dysfunctional relationships. I am gradually making new friends, though I will always wish I had been born into a loving family. I am a work in progress, maturing into a healthy adult and moving away from behaving like my disordered family members. My CPTSD is not as bad as it used to be, with less periods of extreme arousal. I sleep better and am more emotionally present for myself and others. There is a great deal of hope for you, that you will get better, as you are willing to go to therapy and seeking ways to feel better. It takes time, one step forward and two steps back, until there are more steps forward than steps back. I have found this site to be extremely helpful, as the members get it here. I have been posting here for several years, getting support and helping others.

Hello

Thank you so much for your reply .
Your journey is truly inspiring, and I can feel the strength and resilience in your words. Breaking free from a toxic family dynamic, especially one so deeply ingrained over generations, takes incredible courage . I don't know about you but even when I am with good friends and my own family ( husband and kids ) I still sometimes get a kind of lonely empty feeling. I think its not really having any parents that have actually behaved like parents, or any other family at all . The love was not unconditional, but conditional and about meeting their need. So glad to hear that your CPTSD is getting better .  Also regarding friends , its definitely better to take time to find people you can trust. I am so careful not to be around invalidating people.Yes regarding the horrible person thing, I have actually had to keep telling myself that I'm not a bad person. Even when my husband says that I am a kind good person, I still wonder if he is just being nice ! Mother would always say " I love you but I don't like you ."

[Artymum]

Hi ArtyMum, I too grew up with a single mother with uBPD. I'm 45 now and finally feel like I am healing. My driving force, like you, is for my children, my husband, and for myself. I've had various forms of therapy for many years including CBT, and psychoanalytic therapy. What I found most helpful in the past 2 years was EDMR and something called core process psychotherapy - it's based on Buddhism and mindfullness  ( but you don't need to be Buddhist) and explores the space where mind and body meet. I was very unconnected from my body and this new awareness has been transformative. I discovered the pain I was holding in various parts of my body and I am trying to release that pain and live in the present. Compassion for yourself and those around you, including my mother, are a focus of the therapy.

 I think I had come to the end of talk therapy, I was so sick of talking/obsessing about my mother and the past - I could not get her out of my mind/body. EDMR with the above theraputic approach worked for me.

Sending you hope and compassion. This forum is so helpful and validating - so many kind people.

Oh, thank you so much for your reply! This is incredibly interesting to learn. I’m definitely going to try EMDR therapy and am now looking into the Core Process Psychotherapy you mentioned—thank you!

I completely relate to what you’re saying. I’ve had a lot of counseling focused on revisiting the past and discussing events, particularly about my mother, but I often walked away without feeling much better. It did help me process anger, though. That sensation of something being trapped in my body really resonates with me.

I’ve done a lot of meditation, which has been instrumental in my healing journey, and I also learned Reiki healing. But I feel like I need something more to push me toward deeper healing. So, I truly appreciate your recommendations and will definitely be trying them.

I do worry a lot about whether I’m giving my kids and husband  everything they need especially when I seem not all present but I’m determined to get there !