Why does this bother me so much?

[bpdfamily.pestic]

Hi,

I'm new here and wanting to figure out why I'm so hurt by a few things.

I myself, believe I have BPD along with diagnosed cPTSD and Depression.

I believe my mother to have BPD, while my father had NPD or sociopathy in my eyes.

I'm just beginning to try to work through all the pain I've felt over the years, and am routinely and continually stuck on trying to understand past pain and trauma.

One thing I would love to get to the bottom of, is why I always felt so violated, hurt, and used when my mother would tell me "I look good". This in particular was the case, when she visisted me extremely briefly in a place where she knew I was struggling.

Anybody know why this might have traumatized me so much?

Thank you.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board.

I think many of us can relate to being reactive due to trauma. If you think you have BPD- please look into this with a therapist. Yes, BPD is possible but also sometimes some of the behaviors might be learned ones- as our BPD mothers are role models still, not actually BPD. I think for your own well being- get this determined and, if it is BPD- you will then have therapy options to help with that. I think most of us here feel we have some emotional issues to manage due to family dysfunction but also want to make positive changes- and this includes you.

Why the phase "you look good" is triggering- that is something personal to you so we can't know exactly but here are some ideas.

This phrase can mean a lot of things. I have said this to people if they are dressed up and I usually see them in casual clothing. So, it's apparent they made the effort to look nice for some reason- church, a party, a job interview. It's a simple compliment that has no other intention.

But how it's received is a component of the receiver and also the context. If we say this in the workplace it can be interpreted as sexual harrassment.

I also doesn't mean only appearance. Perhaps someone has been ill and then they look like they feel better and so it means "you look well".

How you deliver the statement also makes a difference. Saying "you look good" in a certain tone to someone who looks a mess could be sarcasm. "You look good" in a suggestive tone means something else. It also can make a difference who is saying it and their gender.

Why this is triggering to you is due to it being connected to an emotional experience or memory. Was there pressure from your mother about how you look? Was it the tone of her voice? Was it sarcastically critical? Was it insincere and feel like a manipulation? Did it feel overly suggestive (inappropriate)? Did you feel pressured to respond in a certain way?

What are your thoughts?

[CC43]

Hi there,

The circumstances and the delivery of the words, « You look good » could have many variations. Though it’s usually a compliment, it may be sarcastic, as Notwendy writes.  Maybe it’s just a conversation filler, because your mom didn’t know what to say. Maybe she said it only because she was fishing for a compliment from YOU about HER looks. But let me venture another guess. Maybe that phrase was triggering because it didn’t match how you feel. In that case, you might feel invalidated, like your mom was oblivious to all your pain and suffering, and she was blind, not really seeing you, let alone understanding you. Maybe it’s invalidating because she focuses on your superficial looks, and not on important things like your character or what is going on in your life. And by making that comment, she’s implying that everything is fine, being dismissive to your problems. Maybe she’s implicitly saying that because you look good, you don’t need any of her help, and you panic, feeling abandoned. Does that make any sense?

I get where you’re coming from because my dad would ask me, every time I talked with him when I was an adult, « Have you had any hot dates lately? ». I hated that question because he thought my dates should be « hot, » and that what some random guy did was more important than my life and my accomplishments. It seemed like if I didn’t have hot dates to report on, that I was failing somehow. He didn’t ask about my travels, or hobbies, or job, or friends—only about hot dates. Plus it felt creepy. I’d think, why couldn’t I have a normal conversation with him?  Why did there have to be a sexual subtext?  We never really got along. Looking back, I think he just didn’t know how to converse, unless the conversation was about him.

[Nickerdoodle]

I've been thinking about this.  There is something there if it bothers you.  My mother used to say something like that but it was the tone of voice and just a little different wording.  She would say At least you look good.    I had a problem with at least part and the tone.  I am reaching here for you and I can only do that by talking about my experience.  My mother was very into her looks and jealous of other females.  She was very jealous of my looks and my oldest sister's appearance.   People stared at me and my sister when we were younger.  My mother looked a bit like a neanderthal.  Her words in a strange moment but I see it now.  I think my mother should have said Well, at least you look good, sniff sniff, because I don't and woe is me and you shouldn't be getting any attention.  It would have been much closer to the truth.  Could it be something like that?  You sensing some past jealousy and being a little angry your mother can't be happy for you?

Give you an example that shocked the poo out of me.  It was probably twenty-five years ago or maybe a little less.  Raquel Welch was on a late night show.  I hadn't seen her in years and I thought she looked great.  I expressed this to mother and know what she said to me?  Come on.  Guess.  Ah, you can't so I will tell you.  She said Thanks a lot.  There was some jealousy and lack of realism going on inside her monkey head.