I’m at my wits end

[TiredSince2004]

I don’t know where to turn and I’m just not sure I can be married to my husband anymore. I had no idea he might have BPD until my 19 year old daughter told me she learned about it in her psychology class. When she was nine, my husband left us for another woman. The summer before that happened, I had discussed how frustrated I was with our sexless marriage and said the word I’m afraid we would end up being divorced. We separated. I became the devil and his new girlfriend was his soulmate. Fast forward to 6 months later, he wants me back. We get back together and it’s been 10 years since then. It has been a very hard marriage from the beginning because my husband avoids intimacy and we have sex once or twice a year.
He can be very sweet, but he can be very mean. He always blames me for every argument and every fight and gaslights me that things are my fault or I take things too seriously or I never appreciate him enough or think he’s good enough.
I just don’t know how to handle this relationship and I’ve tried very hard to keep us together, but I feel like I’m an outsider in my own life. Any words of encouragement would help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hey Tired and welcome to the family.  So much of your experiences resonated with me and some of the accusations I received were word for word.  I used to tell my best friend, "I'm in a loveless, sexless marriage and I have no idea why."

You posted in the "Bettering" boards and the site rules say that everyone must give you advice on improving your marriage.  If that's not what you're looking for, then let us know and a moderator can move it to a different section as needed.

First, let's talk about what you're dealing with in very simple, non-clinical terms.  BPD is a mood disorder where individuals have a tremendous fear of abandonment, poor self-image, and a real problem expressing their emotions.  Those closest to them often get the brunt of their frustrations because they're always looking for signs of rejection.  When they find it (real or imagined), then they tend to focus on their emotions and spiral out of control...jumping from one flawed conclusion to another to support their disordered thinking.

Next, let's talk about what you can do about these issues.  When he becomes unhinged, he may say many hurtful things that appear to come out of nowhere.  Well, that's because they're coming out of nowhere since they're emotional babble.  Don't focus on the words, don't try to argue or defend, and simply focus on your husband's emotions.

This might sound crude, but when your husband is unstable, you might literally have to treat him like he's a 1 year old that's crying but can't express the words to say where it hurts.  So you play detective- is he sad?  Cheer him up.  Is he angry?  Calm him down.  Is he frustrated?  Offer support and ask how you can help.

You do each of these things with love and compassion, not because he deserves it in the moment, but because the only goal is to help him get out of his disordered thinking.

One more thing, let's talk about healthy boundaries.  If he wants to argue, you know it won't get anywhere because he's not making logical arguments, so you step away and make it known that you're taking a break because you don't want to argue.  In reality, you're showing him that if he's abusive, you're walking away...but we don't say it that way.  Everything has to be delivered with love and compassion because he's so afraid of being abandoned.

Hopefully that's a good start.  Please feel free to share more so we can give more specific advice and support.