Possible spouse with BPD, Never Knew

[Mac33]

I have been in a difficult marriage for 13 years, although there have been some really great times peppered throughout. We got “married in a fever”, creating a blended family with 4 children. We then had 3 children together, for a total of seven. I was able to adopt 3 of my children from her previous marriage. There were many challenges right from start, as we had no family around, and I had to deploy a number of times with the military, 2 months at a time, which is relatively short. Besides being under resourced in many ways, we also had the normal difficulties of a blended family and remarriage, and adjusting to difference in outlook and personality. On top of all that, I betrayed her trips with an addiction to pornography, and some infrequent, but dishonestly executed drinking, when away from home. These are problems that I had fought unsuccessfully the entire time, and only recently achieved victory in the last 3 years. When she finally said she wanted a divorce at the end of 2023, I began to double and triple down on being the man she deserves, and have continued that. She has been extremely bitter, angry, and full of contempt since then, and increasingly desperate for change, forcing it at all cost. She agreed not to divorce, but I have been trapped by in forgiveness and it’s impossible to do anything right, or bring her peace. I have stepped up in every way I know, encourage her spiritually, and try to be way better at sharing my feelings, dating, etc.

Chapter 2: 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

Frankly, most of us were clueless about our dysfunctional relationships.  We didn't quite know what was wrong, much less why it was so troubled.  So don't guilt yourself overmuch.  Our world does not try very hard to educate us about identifying mental health issues and how to deal with them.

With information and appropriate skills things can and will get better.  Of course, if your spouse turns out to be resistant to positive input then that promise applies primarily to you, not so much the relationship.

Oh, and by the way, a belated welcome!  You will find education, insight, strategies and especially camaraderie here.

[ForeverDad]

She has been extremely bitter, angry, and full of contempt since then, and increasingly desperate for change, forcing it at all cost. She agreed not to divorce, but I have been trapped by in forgiveness and it’s impossible to do anything right, or bring her peace.

I experienced contempt in my spouse before our marriage failed.  It was so devastating.  That was something incomprehensible to me.  I recall hearing some of The Four Horsemen, signs of looming disaster... Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.  (from the Gottman Institute)

The above are the opposite of a happy marriage.  The challenge is that Borderline traits worsen over time if poor attitudes, perceptions and behaviors continue... a recipe for relationship disaster.

[Mac33]

Thank you for responding. I wrote a novel because I have never expressed anything to anyone, and I can’t continue like that. Yeah. My counselor said he is observing the highest level of contempt ever in a spouse, and he has been doing marriage and family counseling for 25 years. I know unforgiveness can lead to extreme bitterness, but it’s beyond that. The completely irrational behavior and thinking is something I have never observed in anyone before. It’s crazy because she made me feel like I was a completely selfish and uncaring person, but I have always had excellent relationships outside of my marriage, even before we got married. It was like she was the only person that I could not seem to satisfy. Nothing I did was ever enough. I couldn’t spend enough time, energy, or sacrifice my preferences enough to make an impact.
Looking back, I really put up with a lot of bad treatment that I overlooked, turned the other cheek, or just accepted as a consequence for hurting her with my own sins. However, I see now that this treatment was abnormal and a sign of an unhealthy personality.

[Mac33]

By the way, did you end up divorced, and were there children involved?  You don’t need to answer if that’s asking too much. I am just trying to gauge how much abuse my children might have to endure if I am no longer around to absorb the berating.Does she calm down when I am no longer around “trigger” her, or will she just spew outbursts onto my children. That changes my calculation a bit. I was asked to leave yesterday, and against the norm of refusing to abandon my family, I stayed the night on a hotel. After reacting with outrage, she was calm when I came back this morning, and had even cleaned up significantly. I think deep down she doesn’t want me to leave, but also can’t stand being in my presence. Mind you I make a point of being a calm, stable, peaceful presence, since I am trying to save my marriage. It just doesn’t matter. If I so much as speak at the incorrect decibel level, she flips and becomes disgusted. I don’t care how much I made you feel hurt in the past, it’s just not what “normal” looks like. You don’t overtly treat people with extreme content, unless you have a heart issue.

[ForeverDad]

By the way, did you end up divorced, and were there children involved?  You don’t need to answer if that’s asking too much. I am just trying to gauge how much abuse my children might have to endure if I am no longer around to absorb the berating.Does she calm down when I am no longer around “trigger” her, or will she just spew outbursts onto my children.

Keep in mind that there are typical patterns, yet a person's individual experience can vary in extremes, also vary over time.  A general pattern is that the poor behaviors will increase over time, sort of like how diabetes can increase symptoms over time, requiring more and more insulin or drugs.

My own marriage started off well but soon periodic episodes became evident.  As it gradually worsened I got the idea that she might be happier if we had children and she could be happier watching a child discover the joys of life.  Clueless me, I didn't know that having children does not fix serious mental health issues, rather it complicates divorces since it adds custody and parenting issues.

After over a decade married, we had a child and everything changed, she became more remote and dissatisfied.  At first I thought she had chosen our son over me but I couldn't discern quite why.  After we separated I came to realize that - due to her childhood environment - in addition to everything else I was no longer perceived as a husband but as a father and she started comparing me to her abusive stepfather.

Right now you probably are the biggest recipient of blame and if you split then the kids might get more focus of blame.  But that would happen anyway as they got older.  Young children are dependent on feeding, clothing, etc.  But as they get older they gradually need more and more independence and pwBPD typically can't let go of control.

I was asked to leave yesterday, and against the norm of refusing to abandon my family, I stayed the night on a hotel. After reacting with outrage, she was calm when I came back this morning, and had even cleaned up significantly. I think deep down she doesn’t want me to leave, but also can’t stand being in my presence.

BPD traits reflect a dysfunction of relationships.  Peripheral ones may only make a person notice something "off".  But close relationships such as within a family are the most impacted.  It has been reported that putting distance apart can reduce the effects, but then returning typically means the prior level of conflict will likely resume all too soon.  That's why many facing high conflict choose to end the relationship (separation/divorce) since without long term therapy the conflict can vary but never go away.

Another factor is that many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are intensely in Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting and either refuse therapy or quickly drop out of therapy without really applying it in their lives.

I am trying to save my marriage.

It takes two persons working together to have a healthy marriage, only one to sabotage it and make it unhealthy and dysfunctional.  A lot of the decision on stay versus go depends on how unhealthy and how dysfunctional it has become.