Of course this is my luck - working with exBPD

[Me88]

So I finally feel less than dead. I'm doing everything I can, and chose to still talk to my therapist for a bit. I journal. Exercise like crazy. Eating healthy. I've lost 15lbs of bloated grossness from drowning my sorrows in alcohol, which I've stopped as well.

In looking at my bosses calendar today she has a meeting with the facility to discuss space options for my ex and a few others. My ex was initially in the office directly next to mine, sharing a wall. When things were good, it was fun, random kisses throughout the day and all. Now it seems like hell.

With the return to office orders in place by the government, they are shuffling offices around.

I CANNOT AND WILL NOT WORK BY HER EVER AGAIN. This wasn't two people moving on due to one wanting kids, moving across the country or a normal reason.

I've been punched by her, she's called the cops on me in my own home, years of verbal abuse, splitting and emotional carnage. No, no and more no. It's time to actually grow a backbone and enforce my boundaries. This isn't 'be an adult' or 'just be professional'. I cannot imagine if things were switched, they'd make a woman work near her prior abuser.

Given space limitations I imagine she might somehow end up here again. I'm so angry suddenly.

[kells76]

I'd be activated and angry, too, if I found out that the pwBPD in my life (my husband's kids' mom) were going to work right next to me. Distraction and anxiety would be an understatement 

Last year I did worry that she and her husband (uNPD) might show up at my work; I'd had to call CPS about some things the kids told us were going on at their house.

I emailed my manager, my supervisor, and HR to give them a heads up that while I didn't know exactly what would happen or when, they needed to know there was an active CPS investigation and it was possible that the kids' mom & stepdad might contact my workplace by phone, email, or in person. Email meant there was a timestamped "paper trail" of my concern.

Getting ahead of the curve could be smart for you. I wonder if you can email HR and cc anyone relevant in management, stating your concern and suggesting ways to solve the problem. Having it "on the record" before anything happens would seem to go in your favor.

You could play it "low key" at first:

"Hi Manger & HR;

Thanks for working on logistics for RTO. I'm looking forward to collaborating in person again.

You may already know that Ms. Ex and I used to work next to each other, and had been in a relationship that ended on Month/Day/Year. Due to incidents within that relationship, it would be better for productivity and efficiency for us to work [at least X distance apart, on separate floors, in separate buildings, in different departments...].

Please reach out any time if you require supporting documentation such as legal paperwork or police reports, or contact with professionals such as psychologists. If I don't hear back from you by end of day Friday, I'll reach out to ensure we have a workable plan going forward.

Best;

Me88"

That is a fairly neutral, businesslike email, that stays out of the blame game and focuses on solving the problem. I purposefully didn't write it as "I can't work next to her because______" because that can sound like you're the problem, like you aren't allowed to be near her. It also hints that this isn't just you "not liking an ex"; there is a lot more there (documentation, legal stuff, psychologist, etc). And it has a due date in there so you aren't left hanging.

If you get a cooperative response from that, then great. If not, then you could step it up to factually stating why it's a bad idea to have her based near you.

...

It's time to actually grow a backbone and enforce my boundaries. This isn't 'be an adult' or 'just be professional'. I cannot imagine if things were switched, they'd make a woman work near her prior abuser.

Given space limitations I imagine she might somehow end up here again. I'm so angry suddenly.

Sounds like you are activating to take care of yourself. That can be a good thing.

[Me88]

Thanks for the response. My boss knows just enough that she moved her to a building just across the way, still too close for my liking but better than having a shared wall. I'd die.

I will see what they decide...I cannot back down on this. If necessary I'll get the police report, pull in my therapist/psychologist, etc. She can't just go on living life with no repercussions. You don't just do these things and get off like it never happened. She can twist it however she wants, but that pathetic police report should be evidence enough on how emotionally reactive she is.

Thankfully I haven't had one run-in since December 13th when I decided to leave. I have no issues sharing a broader story of what I had been through, which should be more than enough to let people know she is not allowed in here. I hate that our services work together, since she's at every damn lunch/potluck/etc. which I now avoid. I can't see her smiling and laughing it up with everyone like life is so perfect. Where I'm here in therapy and all.

[HoratioX]

Thanks for the response. My boss knows just enough that she moved her to a building just across the way, still too close for my liking but better than having a shared wall. I'd die.

I will see what they decide...I cannot back down on this. If necessary I'll get the police report, pull in my therapist/psychologist, etc. She can't just go on living life with no repercussions. You don't just do these things and get off like it never happened. She can twist it however she wants, but that pathetic police report should be evidence enough on how emotionally reactive she is.

Thankfully I haven't had one run-in since December 13th when I decided to leave. I have no issues sharing a broader story of what I had been through, which should be more than enough to let people know she is not allowed in here. I hate that our services work together, since she's at every damn lunch/potluck/etc. which I now avoid. I can't see her smiling and laughing it up with everyone like life is so perfect. Where I'm here in therapy and all.

Are you in the U.S.? If so, I'd recommend you go straight to your HR office and explain the situation, including giving a relevant account of your relationship, when it began, and when it ended. Any mitigating information -- fights, calls to the police, etc. -- might be shared, too.

Now, you may wish to get advice from an attorney first. I'd actually recommend that. But the point is, in the U.S., a woman's claim of sexual harassment and the like will be taken very seriously and often fearfully by a company. A man is actually in a more precarious position.

That means if one day she goes to HR and claims you've been harassing her, you assaulted her, you stalked her, etc., you may quickly find yourself out of a job if the company merely wants to avoid a lawsuit or entanglement.  So, for your own protection, it is wise to consider pre-emptively sharing with them anything that might be relevant to your own protection later.

Again, you should probably consult with an attorney first to get professional advice on whether this is appropriate and what you should say. They may have a very different point of view. 

[Me88]

I sent a very pointed and professional email to my section and service chief explaining why we should not work in the same building.

Everything is messed up dright now in that the facility took 2 of our buildings, including the one she was relocated to. The federal return to office order is really screwing me over. I explained there's a history of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. As well as said i have the police report if necessary.

Somehow my boss was mad at me. Said work is about the mission. I agreed but also said I shouldn't be forced to be around my abuser, and they wouldn't make a woman. And that if she felt unsafe enough to get the cops on me in our shared home at the time, she should not suddenly feel safe in my building. And I shouldn't be relocated after 11 years of federal service. My boss verbally assured me they will protect me. Unfortunately not in email or anything i can document.  I created a spreadsheet.

One thing that upset me is my boss said, "we won't entertain any accusations. We know your character and youre a good person. We know you wouldn't lay a hand on her". Is she now saying I've hit her? I already know she's turned her boss against me, and my boss nodded that yes my exes boss doesn't like me. So she's silently smearing me and if she's saying I've hit her that is ridiculous.  She hit ME. I'm juat going to wait for now and keep my own records.

I wish she'd just disappear. If she hates me so much there's no reason to push being in my office building. She should be celebrating the space between us.

My boss also said I'd have to have a workplace conflict to go to HR. But I disagree. I'll go there if she starts getting worse. It sucks that although we broke up last December, I'm forced to be in her presence daily. I can't escape this person. Shes not even part of my department or a federal employee. Works for a contracted non profit. I should have some power.

[kells76]

My boss verbally assured me they will protect me. Unfortunately not in email or anything i can document.  I created a spreadsheet.

You can follow up with an email: "Hi Boss,  just wanted to circle back and thank you so much for your reassurances, during our 1x1 meeting on Thursday, that you and your team will ___________ for me. As always, don't hesitate to let me know what else you need from me to make X, Y, and Z happen. I look forward to ironing out these details as quickly as possible so we can return to a 110% focus on the mission. Best, Me88"

If your boss doesn't respond with "I never reassured you of ABC on Thursday" then you have documentation.

One thing that upset me is my boss said, "we won't entertain any accusations. We know your character and youre a good person. We know you wouldn't lay a hand on her". Is she now saying I've hit her? I already know she's turned her boss against me, and my boss nodded that yes my exes boss doesn't like me. So she's silently smearing me and if she's saying I've hit her that is ridiculous.  She hit ME. I'm juat going to wait for now and keep my own records.

Find your WiseMind. People say all kinds of things when they hear something emotionally intense. It doesn't necessarily mean that your ex is "turning people against you". It could be the best your boss could come up with to sound reassuring to you, under the circumstances. Sometimes we lean on canned phrases when we don't know exactly what to say. Maybe "we know you wouldn't hit her" means your ex is saying that... maybe not, and it's a canned phrase. Without explicitly asking, it is not possible to know.

Speculation could be described as riding your emotions to a destination you aren't actually required to go.

Give yourself a moment to find some balance. Riding those feelings to that destination might be derailing you from wise, grounded, balanced planning.

This doesn't mean "don't feel the way you feel". Do notice and name what you're feeling. Betrayed? Anxious? Infuriated? Afraid? Hypervigilant? Something else?

My boss also said I'd have to have a workplace conflict to go to HR. But I disagree. I'll go there if she starts getting worse. It sucks that although we broke up last December, I'm forced to be in her presence daily. I can't escape this person. Shes not even part of my department or a federal employee. Works for a contracted non profit. I should have some power.

Is there a policy saying you cannot contact HR first, unless there is a conflict?

Trying to understand if you are prohibited from sending an "informative" email ahead of time to HR.

Certainly, HR probably can't be "activated" or "involved" unless there is a workplace conflict. But if you are OK with them "doing nothing" at this point then it seems like sending HR an "FYI" email couldn't be against the rules?

"Hello HR; While there is not currently any workplace conflict between Ms. Ex and myself, and on my end I intend to keep it that way, I wanted to give you a heads up that there has been past off-worksite conflict between us. I'm currently working with Boss on X, Y, and Z so that I have a protected space to work, and have offered to share relevant police reports and other professional documentation with anyone in management who needs them. Please reach out any time if you need further information from me. If any workplace conflict does arise from Ms. Ex, I will immediately let you know officially, unless you advise another approach. Thank you for your time, Me88"

...

We "shouldn't" have to be around persons who have hurt us so deeply. It feels unfair and impacts our healing process. Yet we get the problems we have, not the problems we wish we had.

I've also had to have face to face contact with persons who deeply hurt and devalued my husband (his kids' mom, uBPD, and her husband -- H's former best friend -- uNPD). It is excruciating. I understand. There was no option for us, for many years, not to have face to face interaction with them. They used to come into our home to pick up the kids.

How do you hope you can comport yourself, and how do you hope you can feel, if you see her at work?

For me, the two unhelpful extremes I'd fall into were: wanting to "dominate" them with my infallible logic (win with power), or freezing/"hoping it would end". Either lots and lots of anger and wanting to "make them see" how wrong they were, or feeling terrified & shut down.

Occasionally I was able to interact from a balanced place. I would assume going in that Mom would be emotionally all over the map and Stepdad would be making power plays. I would plan ahead not to discuss anything besides neutral topics with Mom (though, , even the weather got debated) and not to share any personal information with either of them. The B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications helped me preplan for communication.

Keeping my emotional distance -- not falling into showing them what buttons they could push on me, not believing I had to win arguments/demonstrate my power -- was helpful and also required practice and game planning it out ahead of time.

Know that you will likely encounter her at work. Know ahead of time your goals for how you want that to go. Practice ahead of time (you can practice here). Plan what you will do or where you will go after encountering her. Know what tasks you'll have the headspace to accomplish after running in to her. Know that it will be hard and for some reason that is what life is giving you in this season. Know that you aren't alone in having to face hurtful people -- we really understand.

[Me88]

I'm not sure I want much more follow up. There is so much in the air regarding the office space here. The government is spinning lately. I have my own notes and her 'word'. Unsure how strong that is. I'm honestly getting exhausted from all of this. Yes we have a mission, also yes I didn't anticipate abuse and police involvement. I do appreciate things in writing though.

And yes, I have no verification of what she's actually saying. I know it's something. She's already going the 'I don't feel safe in this other building' route. No clarification, and unsure how you don't feel safe 20ft from us. There are no safety concerns, but she leverages her mental health diagnoses for every single issue. And it always works. It bugs me, that she felt so unsafe in our home she needed to get the cops on me, yet she's just fine sharing a small building? No logic.

I'm not going to look into what I 'imagine' is being said. Just keep her away from me. If any actual accusations come my way I'm willing to go all in. I have zero to hide.

I'm unsure there is a policy against it. However, as a supervisor I do not have union protection. She said we don't have HR protection either, which think is patently false. Would make zero sense. Her and her 2 team members will be in another building at the end of May apparently. I just want time to go fast and her be away from me.

It definitely postpones real healing. I didn't leave that type of relationship to be around that person daily. She comes into my building like 20x a day for no real reasons. It's annoying hearing her laughing and stomping by my office in her heels. It's on purpose.

When I inevitable see her, it's no contact. Our jobs DO NOT intersect so there's no real reason to deal with her at all. I won't make eye contact. I won't acknowledge her. Look away and keep on moving. My boss has already told me to never be alone with her, avoid her, avoid parking lot run ins, no talking, nothing. If she ever reaches out or we run into each other, let my boss immediately. My boss has my back, but is also avoiding HR and wants this over. She supports me as far as she is not truly involved.

There's an audit coming up mid April, and she'll be here. I'm going to take leave. She doesn't get to be around me.