cool slowly until closed, I need it

[Hopes]

I've been coming here for years. First, I wanted to fix it when we broke up on his part. Then I started again. Then I wanted to end the cycle and decided to just remain close friends. Almost 10 years have passed... Now, in a new, small distancing on his part, it's been very helpful because I've decided I don't want him in my inner circle again. Today, after several weeks, he contacted me with a brief message. I responded cordially. I want to get out of this without anger or confrontation. The idea was to bore him, without abruptly cutting off contact. Frankly, I'm worried about his reaction if I cut him off abruptly. What I do know is that I'm not going to be absorbed again. My survival depends on it. Any suggestions are welcome. A woman who has discovered that she wants to feel what it's like to be herself again, only herself, without pleasing him or walking on eggshells.

He asks me how I am, if I'm okay, and the only thing I can say is no and that I don't want to talk to him, but I don't want an explosion or to sink him. However, I want to cool him down. Any suggestions for a response? I've already replied that thanks for the message and I hope he's okay, to which he sent me another text.

[Hopes]

I'll add the most important thing: I finally realized I can't suffer anymore. It's been too much. I feel abused and traumatized... I know he's kind, but at the same time, you know the cycles... and I can't take it anymore... It's been so hard for me to get here. I don't want to open the door again, and he's doing it. In fact, he doesn't even realize it, I think.

[Under The Bridge]

..and I can't take it anymore... It's been so hard for me to get here. I don't want to open the door again, and he's doing it. In fact, he doesn't even realize it, I think.

Sorry to hear of what you're going through, we've all reached this stage at one point and we had to make hard decisions. You sound as if you're totally through with him, to the point of not even wanting casual contact anymore? I can quite understand this as it's a point I also reached in my 4-year relationship with a BPD.

I found that in a 'normal' relationship and breakup, it is quite possible to remain friends  - and I am good friends with ex-partners - but the thing with an ex-BPD partner is that, because of their need, they will try to draw you back in to a relationship and the one thing you'll never get from them is full closure. To them, you'll always be an option as and when they need you.

I cut off contact totally as I knew that if I ever saw her again I would be drawn back in to the relationship, even though I knew it would just repeat the same toxic cycle again and again.  It was hard to do but it was definitely the right thing for me - and my future sanity.

Responding to him at all - even a 'Hi, I'm okay' - is leaving the door open for him. This is the way he sees it; you're replying so you're still interested in him. Even if he's with someone else he'll want to know that you're still there as a standby.

Think of yourself and what you want for your future - there are times when we all need to put ourselves first for the sake of our sanity and well-being.

Best wishes

[Hopes]

Sorry to hear of what you're going through, we've all reached this stage at one point and we had to make hard decisions. You sound as if you're totally through with him, to the point of not even wanting casual contact anymore? I can quite understand this as it's a point I also reached in my 4-year relationship with a BPD.

I found that in a 'normal' relationship and breakup, it is quite possible to remain friends  - and I am good friends with ex-partners - but the thing with an ex-BPD partner is that, because of their need, they will try to draw you back in to a relationship and the one thing you'll never get from them is full closure. To them, you'll always be an option as and when they need you.

I cut off contact totally as I knew that if I ever saw her again I would be drawn back in to the relationship, even though I knew it would just repeat the same toxic cycle again and again.  It was hard to do but it was definitely the right thing for me - and my future sanity.

Responding to him at all - even a 'Hi, I'm okay' - is leaving the door open for him. This is the way he sees it; you're replying so you're still interested in him. Even if he's with someone else he'll want to know that you're still there as a standby.

Think of yourself and what you want for your future - there are times when we all need to put ourselves first for the sake of our sanity and well-being.

Best wishes

Thank you so much for your message, your kindness, and sharing your experience. It helps me. I've also managed to remain friends with an ex-partner, and that's very important to me. It makes me happier to end things this way than to end things badly.

Of course, I'd love a casual relationship with him and to continue having him in my life. In recent years, I've tried, but we get too close, and either he or I end up expecting something from the other again.

For me, the ideal would be something casual without intimacy, and for him to rebuild his life without me. I find it difficult, precisely because of what you're saying.

Although he abandons me, neglects me, and invalidates me at times, at other times he's a constant source of support. I was very much in love with him; I don't feel it as much anymore, although I still love him, but I've decided to prioritize my own mental health. I never set boundaries, although I tried. It's very difficult for me. He tries, but I feel abandoned in moments when I need him, like when I'm sick. Not always, but sometimes. There's no constant support, and I know it will continue to be that way. Also, when distance arises, even though I know it will return, in those moments, many scenarios from years ago come back where I felt really bad, really bad... Now I feel bad because it's happening again. Although I don't want to trigger him or provoke his anger, or make him feel abandoned.

[Under The Bridge]

Exactly the same way I felt about my ex. Even if we broke up I would still have liked some contact with her but as we know, with a BPD partner there is no middle ground or compromise; they either want us 100% with all that entails or they don't want us at all.  The 'black or white' part of their illness.

The only one who can set limits or boundaries is you. If you don't want to get into the full relationship again then, hard though it is, you need to set these limits and stick to them solidly.. or end up back in the same repeating cycle.

One way might be to think how you act with your regular friends then apply the same boundaries to your ex, For example, you would meet friends for coffee, correspond by email, phone etc, help them in any way you could, etc. All regular things which have no romantic overtures - and this is what you need to avoid; being in situations which could give him the idea you were still romantically interested.

For example, go for lunch in a cafe.. but not a candlelit evening meal in a cozy restaurant.  Make sure everything indicates friendship, not courtship. Any of this make sense?  BPD's will always see things which aren't there anyway so it's important not to give them anything to grasp at.

If you want to remain friends then he needs to be treated exactly like your other friends, no more and no less. I don't think you can do much more than that. The hard part of course is sticking to it and being strong.

Sometimes I envy a BPD's ability to just switch off, while we still continue to care despite everything done to us.

[Pook075]

I can relate as well, and I decided that no-contact while still being cordial when we do have to talk was the best fit for me.  With kids and now grandkids, it's impossible to be fully free from that relationship.

I'm almost three years out and remarried, while my ex remarried a few months ago (to the guy she left me for).  I wish them luck and i do hope it works out somehow, simply because that means I won't be back in her orbit.  I've forgiven her and moved on, and I do hope that she find happiness. I still tell the kids (in their mid 20's) to be kind to her since they tend to bully her at times.

In your situation, I now relate that to being an alcoholic or a drug addict.  There's a reason why an alcoholic never takes a single sip of alcohol...it's just too hard to stop since the allure is so great.  And I kept thinking, but what if she comes back and wants to reconcile...what do I do?  What does that mean for this, that, and the other thing going on in my life?

I finally realized that it doesn't matter what she wanted or how she felt...I had to come first.  So like an alcoholic, I told myself that I wasn't going to even "take a sip" of whatever she had to offer, because I couldn't go back to that life once again.  And like you said, she's kind and loving when stable...she's really a great person overall.  But when things don't go her way in any part of her life, the world turns dark and it was always my fault for not doing enough.

I just can't be that person anymore, and honestly I'm ashamed that I allowed myself to be for so long.  I don't regret it for the kids sake but man, it was a miserable marriage and I put up with so much just to walk on eggshells and feel miserable.

[EyesUp]

Breakups can be messy, uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, it can be difficult to politely, considerately, kindly guide someone out of a relationship that they don't want to leave - and not everyone is ready, willing, or able to amicably agree to part ways.

When I look back on a number of my relationships, things have generally ended on good terms. "I'm grateful we connected" has often worked well. Sometimes there may be  occasional contact and check ins or friendly greetings when we cross paths.

However, in other cases, "this isn't working - I wish you the best" has also worked well, where it's understood that there's no open-ended aspect and periodic check-ins are not on the menu.

I feel that it's normal for different un-couplings to have different types of communication, in order to establish appropriate boundaries in order to move on.

It's not unheard of for people in particularly difficult/abusive situations to change their identity and relocate without a forwarding address, if that's what it takes...

If you feel a hard break is needed, you may need to be more direct - even though it may be difficult for both of you.

It would be great to sail into the sunset - however difficult relationships are difficult. Sometimes, there's just no avoiding it.

If you're not in an active conflict, some of the approaches you've probably read about here: BIFF, grey rock... don't really apply - these techniques are more about de-escalating conflict than achieving an amicable separation. However, there are some ideas in these frameworks that may be instructive, i.e., if you become boring, and non-reactive, your emotionally charged and disordered former partner may turn elsewhere for attention.

In this case, the implication is to keep communication to an absolute minimum - don't engage, and certainly don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). No need to rehash anything, ever again.

If you don't think things will fade out, you may need need to be more direct: "Thank you for everything. I will remember the good times. I wish you every happiness, but I no longer want to be in contact. Please respect this boundary"  - what would happen if you tried some version of this?

Hang in there.