10 years of repeated blame

[loyalwife]

 
 I have been married for 10 years to a pwBPD. The relationship has not gotten better; it has become further and further estranged.  I am blamed for my husband's failures, and he feels remorse for selecting me as his wife. He has racked up a lot of resentment towards me, from scraping wheels to paying too much attention to my family or friends. He does not have contact with his family and has lost many of his friends. He mentions suicide as the antidote and how he would accomplish it. Over the years, his anger has scared me as he has threatened my son by telling me how he would kill him.  I am in an abusive situation emotionally when the symptoms of BPD show up. When he is no longer in an episode, he is the man I married, not this monster that appears at the first sign of hardship.

This morning, after two days of a repeated blame game, I admitted that he was right and that I had caused his pain to validate his feelings (not how I felt). Afterward, he seemed to feel better,
leaving me to grapple with having sold out. He said he wanted me to focus on him, although he works 24/7 and rarely takes time out.  I think he means he doesn't want me to feel better than he does and wants me to stay in my office until he says he has time.

When I first met my husband, I was working at a job where I saw potential and was also going to school. He made me quit the week we married, and I have not worked since. I graduated with a BA and MS and am close to finishing my PhD. My goal is to become a university instructor and contribute financially. I buy my essentials, use my funds for my family, and do not ask him for anything. Today, he mentioned that he wished he had not married me and was a bachelor like his friend with a lot of money. Knowing that your husband sees you as his big mistake is heartbreaking.

He is like this during his BPD episodes; how do I know if this isn't how he feels every day he wakes up?

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[Pook075]

He is like this during his BPD episodes; how do I know if this isn't how he feels every day he wakes up?

If we're all being 100% honest with ourselves, we've all doubted our paths in life and what we could be if we had only zigged instead of zagged.  The difference between the vast majority of us and those with mental illness is that once they latch onto a thought like that, they can't let it go as easily.  Their minds will go down the rabbit hole, so to speak, and make illogical connections to try and maintain sanity.

It's perfectly okay to validate your husband's FEELINGS when he's unstable.  If he's sad, boost him up.  If he's angry, calm him down.  But you have to realize that his words at the time are based on unstable feelings, so we don't want to validate the actual words.

For example, saying, "I'm sorry you feel like that and it's hurting you," is very different from, "I'm sorry I did all those things that have caused you pain."  One is empathy while the other is validating disordered thinking and allowing it to fester.  You never validate the invalid.

[EyesUp]

Some things to consider: It sounds like a painful situation for both of you.

You mentioned "my son" instead of "our son" - is your H your son's birth father?  Either way, you're obligated to take his threats or implied threats seriously.  Please document this for your safety and your son's.  Keep a concise, private, secure journal. I used a password protected app called Evernote, but there are other ways to approach this.  

Your question implies that you see your H's BPD as a sort of Jeckyl and Hyde situation, and in many cases that sort of split personality aspect is probably a fair characterization.

However, in many BPD relationships, there is simply no making sense of disordered behavior. B-cluster PDs are not the same as schizoid PDs.  I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone, however I point this out to emphasize that you seem to be seeking a way to make sense of things that simply do not make sense.  

In this situation, we often seek a clinical explanation as a potential path forward - if it's got a name, then perhaps it can be managed, treated, cured!

Unfortunately, b-cluster disorders are notoriously difficult to manage, treat, or cure.  If your H is truly BPD, there's no easy answer.

One thread you might try to explore...  projection is a common theme in BPD and b-cluster disorders.  Accusations are often confessions.

At risk of going in circles, I'll come back to the first comment:  It sounds like you and your H are both suffering.  Without trying to figure out "who started it" (irrelevant, IMO), do you think there's a chance that some of the things that your H attributes to you may be a distorted perception of his own feelings?  Perhaps he perceives your unhappiness, but isn't able to process it - too much shame (or whatever!) to deal with it - so he projects it right back at you.

Have you read the Gottmans?  If not, might be worth a look.

Hang in there.

[cynp]

I relate to parts of the OP's post. My partner had a multiday episode in which I was verbally bashed over and over again. I was to blame for nearly everything negative or frustrating. At the beginning I attempted to be sensible and I apologised sincerely for those times when I could have or should have done something differently. by the end of this episode I was so mentally beaten down I was apologising for everything, even things the didn't make sense. I think I could have accepted blame for the worlds wars and natural disasters by that point. I know this is not right. But I've also been thru it and don't blame anyone who tries to protect what sanity they have left at the end of a really bad splitting ep.
Jeckyll & Hyde is how I also feel about my partner. I don't get treatd this way most of the time. But I also have questioned whether the terrible things they have said is how they really feel. I try to find comfor in the idea that it is the illness saying these things, not the person I love.