New Here

[chrssy264]

Hey, new here. Adoptive mom to 17 year old child with bpd. Out of home care for 15 months then, due to lack of resources, discharged to home care. 12 days then hospitalized acute again. Just came back home today and I am struggling. She’s been our daughter for 12 years but she’s never accepted us. I’m hurt and tired and can’t do more. Listening to “Stop Walking on Eggshells” for the first time. So so weary.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Chrissy264 and welcome. I can fully understand the exhaustion – it is overtaking me at the moment too. I’ve been on the BPD journey for a while now with DD – now it looks like GD – her daughter who has lived with me for many years – is showing some of the BPD traits.

You are on a rapidly cycling trauma event at the moment– and even when there is not full blown crisis, there is the ongoing mini crises happening every day.

In my opinion the exhaustion of dealing with a loved one with BPD is different – and more extreme – than ‘ordinary’ exhaustion. Lack of sleep, the draining of intense interactions, the rollercoaster ride we go on each day means our emotions are on high alert all the time. The only thing that can happen when there is a lull is that we crash.

It is natural to think that a big part of things could be that an adopted child has not bonded with us etc. Yet when you read the posts here, it is clear that many parents of a BPD child feel that their child has not connected with them. The experience we have is one of being manipulated and abused, and the child with BPD can seem totally self absorbed. Everything that we see and witness is what BPD is in reality.

I am  not long out of hospital after major surgery. There are all the usual questions before discharge: is there someone at home to care for you etc etc. Oh yes I say, thinking to myself ‘You have no idea’.
I have read that BPD symptoms are often alleviated when the person is in their 30s. I have seen this and I was thinking it wasn’t going to happen for my DD, but I am seeing signs of less intensity. The bad news is that GD is 15 and heading into full blown symptoms!

Exhaustion is not something that is helped much by just one good time out or rest – in fact I find I can feel worse after that. There needs to be built in ‘spaces’ for you to focus on yourself. Is that possible? Big ask I suppose.

But if you can start to emotionally separate from your DD’s journey it is very helpful. I found the mantra ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it – the 3 C’s – were very helpful for me to step back from feeling I was responsible for ‘fixing’ it. It can make all the difference to the amount of emotional energy we use in dealing with our loved DD on a daily basis.

It has taken a long time, but I am now ‘there’ for my DD, but my emotions are not caught up in it any more. I have let go I suppose of trying to ‘fix it’, and am just there beside my DD through it all. I could not bear to just step out of DD’s life – I know what would happen if I did. But by not allowing my emotions to be drawn into hers I feel free to be there but not wiped out by it all.

Feeling for you at this truly difficult time . . .