these are the key takeaways from the conversation that you had with her. they are loud signals. they tell you everything you need to know.
We talked around things in the relationship that she felt were cycles and also how there seems to be real change when there's a threat there like the threat of a break up or not being together etc.
I agreed with this and could only apologize that that was the case and that actions speak louder than words and I would like to put that into practice whether we stayed living together or not.
what shes saying: the relationship is broken. there is no going back. something has to give. ive now had the time, space, and distance, to see that. a glimmer of change wont be enough to return.
nice move with the actions speaking louder than words stuff. it says you get it.
she said she would need to be away and in the living separately space to understand if that's something she would want.
she hasnt let go of the idea of being in a relationship.
she has both considered and experienced life apart from you, and apart from the relationship. she has seen its appeal. shes reaching for it. she does not want that to be deterred.
it would essentially be us dating again and seeing how things go.
she has considered what it would look like to be together again,
under the right circumstances. she considers the old relationship dead.
But she did reiterate that she said she would think about thinking about it and that she doesn't want me to hold onto it as it's not the only outcome.
She said I need to go away and really think about what it means for me and if I would be happy with a life like that, which I agreed.
she
wants you to do the same thing she has done/is doing.
I think she also doesn't want to just do it because she wants me in her life so much.
all of this tells you one thing:
she has both feet out the door of the relationship. she is holding the door open, hinging on the possibility of real change this time; the hypothetical "dating again" that she has imagined.
shes not "done". but shes done with the relationship as it was. she wants you to be, too.
she wants you to consider, really consider, your ideal life without her. she wants both of you to know that if you were to get back together, that it would be the right thing.
she doesnt want the prospect of getting back together dangling over your interactions. all that represents to her is the cycle repeating. that will make her feel cornered.
thats the problem with pushing to arrange time together. yeah, it sounds nice to her, or she would shut you down rather than hem and haw. but: it puts her in a position shes uncomfortable being in. it establishes a trajectory of effort to reconstitute the relationship. shes not opposed to spending time with you. she is uncomfortable with the terms.
let her
lead on that. when shes ready, she will push for ways, both overt and subtle, to spend time together. youll get the best of her, when she does. she already signaled this by, without commitment, saying "maybe tomorrow, or maybe next week when i have more time".
and, at the end of the day, shes practically begging you to create not just the spark, but the fire.
the spark = real change. she wants to see the confident, independent guy; the one that loves her, but doesnt need her. shes reaching for that version of herself, now. the centered guy, who doesnt flinch when she doesnt know what to do with herself.
the fire = the distance, space, and mystery, to re-ignite attraction. to make that hypothetical version of the relationship shes imagined an actual real life possibility, as its happening. the sexiness.
take her literally and figureatively: do some "going away". do it deliberately. put her aside (figureatively) and begin to reach for the life where, whether or not you want her in it, you can imagine life without her, and it doesnt look so bad.
youll begin to feel it. and she will respond to it.
one other pointer: when you have those sorts of chats, do less disagreeing. do less agreeing. im not saying do zero of either one, to the point of being unresponsive, but rather, more importantly, just
signal that youre taking what she says on board. you dont need to prove her right or wrong in those moments. she will feel a connection because she will be able to feel that youre listening, first and foremost.
