Feeling unsure & stuck

[DesertDreamer]

Hi all - first post, and all the empathy is appreciated.
My wife was diagnosed with BPD four years ago. She went to individual therapy for a year, and we've been to couples therapy as well, but not some time now. In the last couple of years, she's recovered from a traumatic biking accident, and we recently moved out of the country where we met (my home country) because of political strife. Lots of turmoil! In that mess we've spent some time apart from each other, trying to cultivate our individuality and heal. As I have depression, maintaining a sense of purpose has been very important to me. So anyway, that's our brief background. I'm now living in her home country with her, and I'm quite reliant on her at the moment.

We've been having many spats, as the process of moving countries has been stressful. Each time I find that I've let another argument happen, I feel devastated. I'm easily drawn in by the DARVO tactics, and I have a hard time resisting the urge to clarify the situation/defend myself. Today, we completed my very first appointment in the bureaucratic immigration system. Immediately afterwards, I still felt stressed, and she began to say things like "why can't you be happy about this?" etc. I felt criticized, and told her that now wasn't a good time to work this out. But another block down the street, I find myself comforting her as she breaks down, and just like that, I'm drawn back into the discussion about how the stress of this situation was of my own doing, that she was the one holding it all together (she's saying this while she's huddled on the sidewalk).

I find it very hard to come back from these escalations. Often I'm stuck in bed for a day or two. Sometimes, she can eventually hear how I feel and apologize, but somehow the apology doesn't touch me anymore. I feel massively disappointed that I've been fooled by the BPD logic again, I feel existentially exhausted, and now in a new country, I feel very very alone and worried for my own mental health. There is still some part of me that wants to give this relationship a chance, after all we've been thru and how much we've grown. I know her to be a person who puts in effort and who is loving. We've built a pretty good life together. But it's hard to put into words this feeling - something like, I can only stumble back to our relationship after escalations in a sort of haze. I don't know how to consciously move forward, and I feel a deepening sense of distrust. I use to love her so easily, and it makes me very sad to think about that.

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[losthope1234]

Hi and welcome,

I am a new member too. From everything you said, I understand that you are going through a really hard time. Especially the moving to a different country and the uncertainty of it. This is even more difficult when you are fighting depression. Over everything, you have a BPD wife, making everything even more challenging. I feel for you and I am so sorry that you're going through such difficult times. Additionally, I can really feel you when you said you are stuck in bed for 2 days after these arguments. Happens to me too.

Firstly I feel it's best to settle a bit and adjust to the new place. Make your mental health a priority and check whether you can resume therapy to cope with depression. The BPD challenges can wait a few days. Once you are more settled, then you can re-start to practice applying communication techniques that we have learnt while dealing with BPD partners. I am no expert either regarding this and I am actively trying to practise too. But from what I have seen from my experience as well as heard from other members here on this forum too, it's best to be non-reactive. It's difficult not to justify yourself but many times I have seen that it's best when you choose silence instead. That often gives a stronger response. I will put on a very serious face to show that I am not willing to talk at this moment and simply won't respond to anything except essential communication. This is especially helpful for me when i am traveling with him which, in general, is an extremely stressful affair for me.