How to move forward following a 4 year relationship with BPD girlfriend

[Tightlines2025]

I am new to this group board/website, but needed to express my challenges moving forward follwoing a 4 year live-in relationship with a recently revieled BPD girfriend and her 13 year old daughter. 

The pain and sorrow I feel is deep. The anxiety, panic, and lack of understanding it all is all that much deeper.

My mind is playing tricks on me, beleving that one day we can correct all of the wrongs that in our relationship.  Beleving that the good outweighed the bad.  I know I am wrong about that but cannot move my mind forward.

The reasons for me removing her from my home would not be tolerated by any rational human being.

I feel trapped in a  deep emotional state and cant seem to make progress.

[HoratioX]

Those feelings are normal. They come with any break up, but they're magnified by several orders when dealing with someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.) With BPD, the person often molds themselves to our expectations, creating a persona that seems "a perfect match" or "the love of our lives."

The reality is that's pretty much a facade. it's a character they've created. Inside, they're often empty, including being devoid of their own intact personality or at least the sort of intact personality we expect from a mentally or emotionally healthy person.

So, in order to recovery, you have to remind yourself of this. The person you thought you knew and developed deep feelings with is not authentic, at least in the way someone healthy is authentic. They're broken. It's not their fault, and that should elicit some sympathy. But not too much.

I usually roll my eyes with how selfish people are, but when it comes to dealing with an ex with BPD, etc., you have to be at least a little selfish. That's because your natural instincts and emotional drive to be compassionate and forgiving will in many cases work against you. They will make you yearn for something that wasn't really there and they will gaslight  you into trying to repair something that ultimately is toxic to you.

That doesn't mean you can't be compassionate.  That doesn't mean you can't be forgiving. You should be a decent person. But the actions you may take can ultimately be self destructive because someone with BPD is profoundly ill, no matter how "normal" they may sometimes seem. They are also profoundly selfish in the sense that while they can be thoughtful and generous, all of that is nearly always tied to self interest. It's transactional. Even the relationship itself.

People in healthy relationships fall in love with someone and want the best for them. Yes, we all get something out of a relationship, but our focus in on the other person and making them happy. With someone with BPD, the focus is all or nearly all about what they get from the other person -- not the giving. The giving is a tool to keep the person they're with around them.

So, you're in the withdrawal stage. Something you thought was the most incredible thing in your life is no longer there, so, of course, you're grieving and wanting. But just like heroin will eventually destroy you, a relationship with someone is almost always toxic. BPD can't be cured. Some say it can be treated, but there's not a lot of clear data (that I can find) that says what the success rates truly are. So your best course of action for self preservation is to stay away from that person and move on.

That's not easy. If you have  a particularly strong will and sense of self, you might be able to do it on your own, but most people find friends and professionals, like a therapist, to be helpful, especially with intrusive thoughts and memories that may be clouding your judgment. Good luck, and stay the course -- you can recover from a relationship like this one.

[Tightlines2025]

Thank you for your reply.
 
I know that having her leave my home was the right things to do....

I really need all the help I can get right now.  The emotions I am feeling, leave me bewildered as to what is happening to me.

I have blocked her in every communicationway possible....., but I need to block her from my mind/thoughts.

I am trying every method possible, therapy, exercise, staying overly busy......and meditation.

Nothing seems to hold my mind occupied, except perciferating on the past, both good and bad.

I resist the temptation to text/call as I know staying strong and moving forward with my life is the only way.

I am confused as to the path forward.

[Under The Bridge]

I resist the temptation to text/call as I know staying strong and moving forward with my life is the only way.

This is the only action to take, hard though it is. It will get easier, but it will take time and a strong resolve not to give it 'one more try'. It is very easy to get back on the toxic roller coaster even though we know the ending will always be the same.

My own BPD relationship was also 4 years and I chased her every time she broke up with me. It became a game in the end, as she knew I'd still chase her so really I was empowering her actions. Eventually I realised that nothing was going to change and that this would be the rest of my life if I allowed it to continue. The mental toll it take out of you, as I'm sure you already know, was massive.

What you see over the years is always what you will get; we can't change them. We can try and work with them and adapt our lives - at our cost - to them, always walking on eggshells and waiting for the next explosion to happen but who wants that?

As HoratioX said, the person we met was never a real person. It's not as though we met someone totally genuine and lost them through our own fault, we met a chamelon who will change to suit the next person they attach themselves to, with the same inevitable conflict.  We can get over this, put it down to experience, watch out for the signs in future partners and find someone more mentally healthy.  Sadly, they can't.

Stay strong, use family and friends for support and occupy your time as much as possible with hobbies, etc. No harm in still thinking of your ex - I still do - but know that it was never going to be a viable relationship.

Best wishes