Hi, this is going to be a long post, so I´m sorry in advance. I´m going through a breakup and I suspect that my ex has BPD traits although she´s not diagnosed. I stumbled upon all this stuff trying to find some answers and everything started to make more sense. Still, I´m left in emotional pain and extreme guilt, but at the same time I have the feeling that I couldn´t have done anything different to avoid the outcome. I´ll explain what happened from the beginning. I´d be really really grateful if you could tell me your thoughts and whether or not what I´m about to tell sounds familiar to you.
We started dating this past August. This was my first relationship and I´d never felt a connection like this with anyone else before. I was instantly idealized. She said things like "I´ve never felt like this before with anyone else" (this is her 5th relationship), "you´re perfect", "I want to be with you forever", "you´re an unalterable man". I was happy, I felt like my life had more meaning and i genuinely loved her. In late October I went through a rough couple of days due to schoolwork. It takes a toll on me, and so when she asked me I told her how i felt. Then she started to say that she was feeling anxious and nervous. That she didn´t feel ok and seeing me bad was affecting her. The next day she said that she had to leave me, because the relationship was too much, that me being bad was going to impact her in her studies and she couldn´t allow for it. She also said that she felt she wasn´t going to be able the girlfriend that she wanted to be. I tried to talk to her because non of that was true, it was all made up in her mind. I remember at that point she blamed me of not listening to her, being an asshole and selfish because I didn´t see she couldn´t carry on . It´s ironic that she blames me of being selfish when SHE is the one being selfish by breaking up with me because she has to think on herself. She broke up with me.
One month and a half later...
She texted me and said if we could talk. A few days back we were together again. She said she was deeply sorry for what she did to me and thought that I was going to hate her forever. She promised me that it would never happened again. I loved her so I forgave her. This was December.
Everything went fine until February, although there were some things that started to indicate something rough was going on. For example, one night we were on the phone and I had the TV playing in the background. When I hunged up she texted me "there was a voice". I said that it was the TV. She started to feel bad and didn´t believe me. She genuinely thought I was with someone else. The next day she was still sad and I felt bad about myself.
In Febraury one day she asked me about my previous "experiences". This was my first relationship so I told her that, and I also mentioned some other girl I met in the past, eventhough I had nothing with them or even real intentions. I tried to be honest. One girl stood out to her. When my dog died two years ago I kept her ashes and I looked for someone who could make a portrait of her to put it next to the ashes. I found a girl who lived in my same city and I asked her to make the portrait. I met her the day she gave it to me and we had a drink. There was nothing else, I haven´t seen her again ever since. Well, the next day my ex started to ask me for this girl. That why did I mention her, that she was 100% sure that I wanted to
PLEASE READ her. She said things like "I´m sorry for not being as slim as her and having more breasts!!", "I don´t care what you do, go and
PLEASE READ her now!!". I tried to explain to her what happened but it didn´t work, at all. She said that I was talking in circles and lying. She had already made up her mind that I was attracted to that girl because apparently I was "describing her" all the time. Because in August i once said that fringes are ok and I like curly hair (my ex´s hair is curly). She even said to me "I´m not special for you. You are with me because you don´t want to be alone and I´m the first one that was worked for you". I was desperate as you might imagine. That episode went on for like 5 days. In all those arguments I was the one who had to end up apologizing for doing nothing. She always threatened me with not forgiving me, with me being an asshole that treated her like
PLEASE READ. One night she called me crying and yelling saying that why she wasn´t enough for me. I tried to calm her down but she kept blaming me for how she felt. She didn´t let me talk so I got anxious and hunged up. She later called me furious saying that I had let her down when she was needed and all she wanted was me to support her (that´s what I was trying to do). Funny how she can say that when she broke up with me when I told her that I was having a rough time. Anyway, she then said that she wasn´t going to forgive me for this, that she didn´t want a boyfriend that "abandones" her when she feels bad. I said that it wasn´t fair, that I was able to forgive her when she left me in the past eventhough it deeply hurt me. Then she started crying. The next day we talked and it looked like everything could go back to normal, although she first said that after me saying that she didn´t know if that could happen, after a long conversation where I was broken and emotionally drained, she said "I promise to never do this again, I´ll always be there for you". Later on she brought it up again saying that she felt threatened by me when I said that I forgave her, but i´ll let that for another post.
There´s a lot more but i don´t want it to be too long. I´ll make another post. From that moment I started to walk on eggshells on a regular basis, feeling anxious and questioning my own self and reality. Was it that bad saying that I forgave her when she told me she was never going to forgive me for hunging up the phone once? She hunged up to me like 6 times before that! Those are questions that are still rumbling in my head to this day. I´d be grateful If you could give me your thoughts so far, because I feel guilty.
