I'm tired and need some encouragement

[Chosen]

Hi, I've been on and off here for some 10 years (with a uBPDh). I'm still learning. Actually I'm doing better than before I start coming here, so I've learnt something. But the feeling remains the same, that when I fail, and a conflict escalates, it's like everything I've done come crushing down. Logically, I know it's not true- 1 escalated conflict doesn't override the many conflicts that didn't escalate, and that doesn't make me a failure. But it sure feels that way.

When I succeed in using my tools and things get somewhat de-escalated, nobody gives me a pat on the back and acknowledge how hard I've tried. But when I don't, I'm being branded as an unstable woman who loses her temper all the time, always making things worse. I know I'm far from perfect, but I try to work on myself. And I know I keep failing, but I also sometimes succeed. I don't want to be reminded that when I fail, I'm worthless.

I know I shouldn't let the words of a splitting person get to me, that what they're accusing me of has been magnified 10 times, and that only the "black" part of me has been magnified. I know I need to get my own emotions back to baseline before I can look at the whole episode from the outside again, without letting my feelings get to me. But boy, it's tiring, and it's hard, and it's a thankless job.

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[cynp]

i feel that w/ BPD loved ones we need to be our own cheering section. Because we aren't going to get it at home. I am told over and over that no matter what I do, all my faults are still there, and are still terrible, and i "never" improve. So sometimes I sit and and relfect on the things I have done, and know that I have improved and that they matter, even if someone alse doesn't always see it. I'm still very beatdown and still have a long way to go, not the least in caring for myself.