Narcicist daughter in law and abusive s-mom

[4everNana]

So, I raised my son's children with their alcoholic bio mom for 8 years. They were 7 weeks and 20 months old when they came to live with me. Those boys are literally my whole life. We had a bond much more like mom/sons than Nana. The bio mom ended up moving to TN with boys because she didn't like my rules. In a matter of 5 months away from me she lost custody to my son and his wife.  I moved to TN to their home to be with my grands.  She (step mom)only feeds them about 700 calories a day. They are both in football and basketball and are so thin that the kids at school tease them.They can't have snacks, they are only allowed to drink water and only when she gives permission. They have to ask to go to the bathroom. They are forced to clean whole pig sty of a house, take care of all farm chores. She will have a party with 20 people and make them clean and do dishes after party.  They have to stay outside all day when they aren't cleaning and they get 1 drink of water.  She feeds them breakfast late so she won't have to give them lunch.  My son allows her to do all of this. .. CPS was called, she's friends with the workers so nothing was done.  Watching my grands be abused and myself verbally abused is crazy.  They were hungry last week and I got them 2 chicken strips and because I gave them food without her permission, she was screaming and spitting in my face that they are "her kids". and said I will never spend time with them again.  She's in the process of terminating the bio moms rights and adopting them.  I am literally scared for them.  She lies and manipulates everything.  Everyone thinks shes some perfect person but she is horrible.  I want to move back to my home state but scared they won't feel that anyone loves them anymore

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

Dealing with CPS can be a very disappointing process as CPS tends to have a very high turnover rate of employees. It sounds like at this point, your best option is to report the workers to their supervising agency. There is definite child abuse going on that should be not too complicated to prove. The first step might be to consult with a lawyer, to make sure you go the best route, to get the help your grandchildren need.

[js friend]

Hi 4everNana,

Recently I was sent a picture of my 2gc who I have been estranged from for 5years and my first thought was how thin my eldest gc looked. Before our estrangement my udd would often restrict gc's food when she thought that they didnt deserve to be fed, she  talked about the gc's "sneaking food" and was thinking of putting a stairgate across the kitchen doorway so they couldnt get in there to access food or get themselves a drink.

I reported this to ss/cps along with the other abusive stuff that was going on at the time. They said that they investigated but sent the gc's back home. As expected udd became really angry with me and has since stopped me from seeing my gc's even though I regularly looked after both my gc since birth. The last time I saw my eldest gc she was chunky and looked healthy.

I have shared  the pic with other relatives (who are also estranged by udd )  and asked them what they think  but no-one else seems to be concerned stating that eldest gc is probably just at the age now and having a growth spurt, but my eyes are telling me otherwise. Gc just doesnt look healthy  at all. It actually makes me feel sad to look at the pic. Also I can only imagine what the mental toll all this estrangement is also having on them.

I think I would agree with zachira  that you should take some legal advise on this situation. Your gc's stepmom and these cps workers need to be held accountable. I on the kids would also ask the police to do a welfare check on the kids. Hopefully this may get the ball moving in the right direction and your son and stepmom will be held accountable . It worked for my udd for a time anyway and she was made to do better as there were eyes on her. I knew that I had taken away her power and control and that she would never forgive me for doing so but my gc have been and always will be my priority.

Im not sure what to say about you moving away as I think it will hurt either way if stepmom decides to cut you out of their lives as she will probably do. Iam wondering what your son truly thinks of this situation. Do you think that he has  completely given up or that he just feels overwhelmed by stepmom?

[4everNana]

Thank you for the context, and I'm sorry for what you went through.  Welfare checks have been done, DCS called, nothing was done... SM comes off as pillar to community (population is 4700) and has pretty much everyone fooled.  My one GC has been to ER twice with stomach pain, Drs are baffled, I say it's from constantly being hungry, but again, no one wants to see SM for who she really is.  I've talked to my son numerous times, he tells her everything I say which causes conflict.  My son doesn't really have a bond with the GC I raised and I think because he has such a close bond with the GC from SM that he doesn't want to rock the waters.  Idk, I'm literally looking for a therapist to deal with all this.  It is so hard to watch.  I look at all the FB memories from when my GCs lived with me and how happy and well adjusted they were and see them now, it just literally hurts my soul.

[js friend]

I totally get it 4everNana,

I think it is a good idea to find a therapist. I havent yet but iam still considering therapy 5 years along. I just try to cope with it all day to day.  Seeing this new pic of my gc has just brought it all back up. udd got what she wanted and doesnt care who is suffering in the meantime including gc.

Just know that you are not alone.