How do I navigate a whole bunch of stuff, and still have time for self-care?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It feels like a whole vault of stress has opened up lately, and I feel completely swamped.  In short:

1)  Kids and wife started the school year, at the same school.  I was (and still) against this idea in general but considering my own health issues I felt this would give me time for some badly needed self care.  It also makes it much easier logistically should W and I split.  But as I guessed, W already found her antagonist at this school, who happens to be the kids' teacher.  A week in and she wants to quit and pull the kids out to another school.  I feel like a fool because I knew this would happen because it always does.  I feel selfish that I ignored this inevitability for a potential for personal self-care time. 
2)  I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism with a very, very low TSH (almost zero).  Still in early stages of treatment and testing, but that could be an explanation for my extremely low energy and sex drive.  From what I read, stress could be a major component here.
3) W and I are due to see another couple's therapist next month.  In the past I came in with the attitude of trying to compromise and make things work.  I don't feel that way anymore.  Now I feel like having an approach that if certain things don't happen (namely W commit to DBT or other therapy on a regular schedule and recognize that I want and need to have a relationship with my own family), then we obviously have different values and need to split up.  It really bothers me that W refuses to take any ownership for the fact that her actions (and hers alone) led to an incident that very well could have resulted in the deaths of my parents. 
4) I learned through a random google search that my best friend for 4 years during grade school and whom I had not thought of in years was the perpetrator in a very high profile (national news) murder suicide about a year and a half ago.  The angle here is that I need to process this, and I don't feel emotionally safe talking to this with my W, and the demands on my time the past two weeks have made it difficult to talk to my T or other resources.  I have texted a few times with crisis counseling, and that has helped.
5) Both kids have chronic constipation, and this week we had to take S8 to the emergency room.  It was awful.  Now the kids' Dr wants both S8 and D8 to see a P and a neurologist, speech and OT therapies related to autism.  I have previously mentioned that both kids were diagnosed ASD a few years ago based mostly on W's answers to a questionnaire.  Personally, I think my kids' behaviors don't seem like classic autism to me, and the issues they do have could be explained by anxiety, stress, PTSD, related to turmoil in the household.  I don't think that seeing more specialists is bad - as having more testing besides W's questionnaire could be very useful.  I will also mention that W comes from a FOO that tends to want to label anyone who is different as autistic (this is dinner table conversation), and W is frequently projecting and looking for excuses for problems in others.  She constantly claims I have ASD, and I have now had 3 Ts and 2Ps basically laugh at me when I told them that W thinks I have ASD and basically tell me they have professionally dealt with many people who have ASD and said 100% sure I do not have that.  W's evidence that I have ASD stems from the fact I have hobbies, and that I leave the room or don't want to deal with her when she is negative when she is screaming at me or generally negative.

Normally, I have some time for self care and take a day off work when needed.  The past 3 weeks I have had zero time. My goal is to do find time and take a day off sometime next week.  On thing is becoming clear - this is unsustainable and I cannot keep going forward and be happy.  It will require W seeking appropriate therapies for her behaviors - otherwise my boundary has to be to end the relationship.

[maxsterling]

It feels like a whole vault of stress has opened up lately, and I feel completely swamped.  In short:

1)  Kids and wife started the school year, at the same school.  I was (and still) against this idea in general but considering my own health issues I felt this would give me time for some badly needed self care.  It also makes it much easier logistically should W and I split.  But as I guessed, W already found her antagonist at this school, who happens to be the kids' teacher.  A week in and she wants to quit and pull the kids out to another school.  I feel like a fool because I knew this would happen because it always does.  I feel selfish that I ignored this inevitability for a potential for personal self-care time. 
2)  I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism with a very, very low TSH (almost zero).  Still in early stages of treatment and testing, but that could be an explanation for my extremely low energy and sex drive.  From what I read, stress could be a major component here.
3) W and I are due to see another couple's therapist next month.  In the past I came in with the attitude of trying to compromise and make things work.  I don't feel that way anymore.  Now I feel like having an approach that if certain things don't happen (namely W commit to DBT or other therapy on a regular schedule and recognize that I want and need to have a relationship with my own family), then we obviously have different values and need to split up.  It really bothers me that W refuses to take any ownership for the fact that her actions (and hers alone) led to an incident that very well could have resulted in the deaths of my parents. 
4) I learned through a random google search that my best friend for 4 years during grade school and whom I had not thought of in years was the perpetrator in a very high profile (national news) murder suicide about a year and a half ago.  The angle here is that I need to process this, and I don't feel emotionally safe talking to this with my W, and the demands on my time the past two weeks have made it difficult to talk to my T or other resources.  I have texted a few times with crisis counseling, and that has helped.
5) Both kids have chronic constipation, and this week we had to take S8 to the emergency room.  It was awful.  Now the kids' Dr wants both S8 and D8 to see a P and a neurologist, speech and OT therapies related to autism.  I have previously mentioned that both kids were diagnosed ASD a few years ago based mostly on W's answers to a questionnaire.  Personally, I think my kids' behaviors don't seem like classic autism to me, and the issues they do have could be explained by anxiety, stress, PTSD, related to turmoil in the household.  I don't think that seeing more specialists is bad - as having more testing besides W's questionnaire could be very useful.  I will also mention that W comes from a FOO that tends to want to label anyone who is different as autistic (this is dinner table conversation), and W is frequently projecting and looking for excuses for problems in others.  She constantly claims I have ASD, and I have now had 3 Ts and 2Ps basically laugh at me when I told them that W thinks I have ASD and basically tell me they have professionally dealt with many people who have ASD and said 100% sure I do not have that.  W's evidence that I have ASD stems from the fact I have hobbies, and that I leave the room or don't want to deal with her when she is negative when she is screaming at me or generally negative.

Normally, I have some time for self care and take a day off work when needed.  The past 3 weeks I have had zero time. My goal is to do find time and take a day off sometime next week.  On thing is becoming clear - this is unsustainable and I cannot keep going forward and be happy.  It will require W seeking appropriate therapies for her behaviors - otherwise my boundary has to be to end the relationship.

[Notwendy]

Condolences on the loss of your friend. That is tragic.

Your wife's inability to have insight into her own behavior is a part of her BPD. It's not a choice she makes. It's how her thinking works. If you make your decision to stay or leave contingent on her changing- that makes it up to her, not you. We can't control another person.

As Dr. Phil mentioned on one of his shows to a family where there was dysfunction. (not BPD but a similar pattern). "You are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordered person to lead you out". This is a challenging situation. It's clear that your wife needs mental health, and that this is difficult for her too, but when/if you decide it's intollerable, that is up to you, on your own timeline.

[Pinkcamellias]

You’re dealing with a lot.
I hope the health issues with your kids get sorted out and you can get some relief. I remember when my cousin unexpectedly passed away at 24 due to medical malpractice and I had just heard the news and I was sitting in my kitchen in shock and extremely sad. My H stood over me and said “people die everyday . Get over it.” I remember wanting to talk to someone about her life and who she was and feeling like I had to hide my grief. I am sorry for the loss. I hope you find comfort during this sad time.

[maxsterling]

I remember wanting to talk to someone about her life and who she was and feeling like I had to hide my grief. I am sorry for the loss. I hope you find comfort during this sad time.

"Get over it" is the reaction I fear.  I've hidden my grief.  Eventually I did tell W, and she was sympathetic, at least on the surface at that moment. 

It's not so much a loss of a friend, but a loss of a childhood that I am feeling.  The friend killed two people in front of children before killing himself.  And he may be behind his ex-wife's death, too.  I don't necessarily mourn him - it's just forcing me to rethink childhood memories.  I decided last night to journal/write about it.  It helped.

[ForeverDad]

W already found her antagonist at this school, who happens to be the kids' teacher.  A week in and she wants to quit and pull the kids out to another school.  I feel like a fool because I knew this would happen because it always does.

I recall my son's kindergarten teacher refused to let my ex into the classroom, not even at the end of the day to collect him.  Me, on the other hand, I was allowed to come in on half days to do little odd jobs and observe the kids.  Of course, the kind teacher warned me not to tell my ex about my classroom visits.

Both kids have chronic constipation... Personally, I think my kids' behaviors don't seem like classic autism to me, and the issues they do have could be explained by anxiety, stress, PTSD, related to turmoil in the household.

Another memory you've triggered, my toddler was slow to talk and often wouldn't look at me to talk, so I asked the pediatrician about autism.  That might be the visit when the doc tried to refer my then-spouse to counseling but of course she refused them.

[maxsterling]

Another memory you've triggered, my toddler was slow to talk and often wouldn't look at me to talk, so I asked the pediatrician about autism.  That might be the visit when the doc tried to refer my then-spouse to counseling but of course she refused them.

Does he have Autism?  I have no problems if my kids have Autism.  I just don't want them misdiagnosed if their issues are caused by something else. 

[ForeverDad]

No, son has no autism unless procrastinating and online gaming are symptoms.  I concluded he was that severely impacted, another reason I accepted it was time to end the marriage when he was a preschooler.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Clearly you’re under a lot of stress, made worse by low thyroid. The good news is that low thyroid is very treatable—half of my family takes thyroid medication daily, and once the dosage is worked out, they start feeling normal again. My advice is to be patient and be sure to check in with you doctor periodically in the next few months to ensure your thyroid hormones are at the right level.  Your health is critically important!

The loss of someone close to you can knock you off balance, and it can take some time to process. Even if he wasn’t a family member, he was part of your life, and his passing is meaningful to you, even if you have some conflicting and confusing thoughts about him. I hope you take some time to start to process your thoughts and feelings. It may be that your family won’t understand, especially as they didn’t know him. But I think others—maybe a close friend or religious leader or counselor—could offer some support in your time of need. I’m sorry about it, and also sorry it’s hard for you to carve out time and space to sit with your feelings and process it all.

Since you have so much going on right now, my advice is to prioritize self-care. It’s almost impossible to think clearly and make changes when you are exhausted and grieving. Please take care of yourself first.

All my best to you.