Wife says she wants to divorce but doesn’t do anything

[Hebel]

My wife (8 years married) has suspected BPD and is splitting on me bad right now, we are not talking and everything I say or do is perceived as bad. I’ve been on a work trip for several months now but 2 weeks ago I was the love of her life and now I’m dirt because I haven’t been showing her enough attention and I’ve been “selfish”. Although I know I do, I try my hardest that I can to show her my love. I try to give her the world, and I’m not perfect I get that. We nearly divorced last year, she left and everything but came back and wanted to work on it. Now we are back to divorce being on the table….she says we are not good for one another and finally that she’ll “keep messing this up” and shes “releasing me” from her. But she admitted she doesn’t know what she’ll do if we separate. The last thing she said was essentially the “Divorce Papers aren’t written yet”, like to give me hope? And that I need to give her space and I keep violating that (I did a couple times).

Ever since that last discussion I’ve respected her wishes and been in no contact/low contact (have kids). But she hasn’t said anything further, I don’t think shes even made calls to a lawyer, and hasn’t attempted to look for a job (SAHM). No plans, just one deleted photo on social media (but no name change or deleting we are married this time unlike last year). She’s exploding with anger towards me and yet wont discuss how we’ll proceed with the divorce this time. Just silence right now.

I’m so confused. And ive just been leaving her alone. I’m lost that there is no text or phone calls from her at all, or her wanting to talk more about us separating.

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[Notwendy]

Sometimes the threat of divorce is just that. If you respond by giving extra attention to it- even asking to talk about it more- is attention- that reinforces this behavior.

For the pwBPD, feelings feel like facts- but feelings are often temporary. She may say she wants to divorce in the moment but then later not be motivated to follow through with this.

It's not possible to control what she does but you can control your own actions. If you don't want a divorce- don't do anything unless you see she's actually contacted a lawyer, taken large funds from the bank or other concerning actions. Keep careful financial records, such as joint bank accounts in. If you see or hear of any actions, then get your own attorney. Leave it to her to do the work of this if she were to choose it. You don't have to facilitate it for her.

Maybe she's stressed. During long work trips, if she's alone with the kids, it might be stressful and lonely. The work is a necessity. Are there ways to help her with this- maybe some additional child care or help at the home to help her manage when you are away?

Although for some posters here- the wife's wanting a divorce has led to them doing that but also sometimes it doesn't.

[Hebel]

Thank you for the reply, we haven’t talked about anything for almost 3 days now, basically no contact. Right now she does have family visiting, so she might get her break or the opportunity to continue planning the divorce. I can still see my kids through FaceTime, she does facilitate that when I ask. I’m unsure if I should just continue to leave her alone? I don’t want to agitate her by asking how she’s doing or if we want to talk…I’m kind of in a holding pattern right now.

[Notwendy]

The silent treatment is stressful for you and it is understandable that you are anxious about her possibly planning a divorce.

Some posters here have had this happen.

In my own experience- with a mother with BPD and observing a decades long marriage with my parents (yes, a challeging one from my perspective but it was theirs to decide on), BPD mother frequently brought up divorce but didn't follow through on it.

If your wife does plan a divorce- you can not control what she chooses to do. Trying to talk about it- or trying to get her to talk about it- this may just add fuel to the drama.

Three days of silence- she's going to do what she decides to do. I wouldn't text with any expectations or requests. You could send a text saying "Hi honey, thinking of you and hope you are having a nice visit with your family" if you are able to not expect a reply and be anxious about that. This way, you know you are not the one cutting off communication and the decision to talk is in her court. What she does is up to her.

It's possible she will decide to communicate after a while and even act as if nothing happened. You might be expected to not bring up what happened and go on as usual.

[Hebel]

Well I talked to her for the first time after seeing the kids on the phone, she smiled a little when we saw me, although it could be because she feels awkward. I just asked how she was doing, she said she’s doing good. And asked me how I’m doing, I said I’m doing good as well. She talked a little bit about her family, but I did say it was nice to see her since it had been 2 days, she said kinda soft voice “me too”, I don’t know if she meant it. I didn’t bring up anything, and left it at that. And said have a good day.

No I love you or anything like that when we got off the phone. I’m guessing that’s expected? Do I just keep kinda leaving her alone? Still in the dark if she truly wants to divorce.

I’m hoping there is not another person in the picture…that is a fear of mine.

[Notwendy]

I hope other posters will share their relationship advice. I was sharing my experience with seeing frequent threats and not follow through. If there's concern about her finding someone else- I hope other posters with this experience will share how they handled it.

[Alex V]

I recognize. Me and my wife are sepatared for 8 months now and she told me she wanted a divorse. Nothing happened. I tried to give her space and tried to figure out why she wanted this. Since a couple of weeks a suspect BPS is in the game. About a month ago we met and dsespite my intention to say calm, I exploded. Eventually I told her to arrange it. Now she has. Got an email yesterday saying she has an attorney.
I think it is done. And maybe it for the best. I am exhausted. And do not want to go back to how it was the last 5 years. I love her, but the shady side has been around too long now. It hurts.