How do I know if my mother shows signs of BPD?

[polkadottie]

I'm a teenager so I'm not sure if this is the right website for me, but I'm extremely lost and I just need direction? My mother is an alcoholic. On the days she's drunk, she's combative and angry. She'll often fight me and call me hurtful names. On the days she's sober, she's like a light switch. She's happy one minute, and the next she's upset and she's ignoring me or raising her voice. I know I'm still maturing, but when we argue it's often times hard to present as if I'm unprovoked or unbothered. Its hard to 'walk it off' or 'just deal with it'. It hurts. Her methods when we argue leave me dumbfounded. When I make valid points, she'll continuously yell over me 'you're right' to no end. Or blatantly lie to my face so persuasively, at times I genuinely believe them to stop myself from going crazy. She's not like that with my younger brother. She continuously coddles him. When she's angry she'll say things like 'I wish I had two sons' 'Having a boy is so much more easier' 'At least I have one child that loves me' (These aren't really signs of BPD, but this is a little backstory) I had to grow up very fast, he didn't. I'm still in my "childhood" days, but I only had that ignorant bliss until age 8 or so? I'm aware she is very insecure, and I think all of this might just be her taking it out on me. However, I feel a tinge of guilt. I wasn't around her growing up but my grandfather says she's always been like that. I feel a sense of jealously in her but I wouldn't want to fill my head up.  (Please excuse my rambling)

How do I know if my mother is struggling with BPD specifically? She was diagnosed with depression, could that tie into BPD? Her mood swings are becoming erratic. When she's upset she'll continuously wail for around 10-15 minutes. I came on this website because she did it tonight! It was the most horrible and fear provoking sound I've ever heard. I could literally hear my heartbeat. It was that kind of wail you hear in movies when someone's loved one has just passed. I went to check on her, and she cursed me out? Her anger was directed towards me and my father, who told her something she didn't like because he stood(stuck?) up for me. She was screaming ' I hate this house' 'I hate my life' 'I hate it here' I felt so much indescribable fear and guilt. I felt like a young child. (A few years ago, I had to save my mother from an attempt, maybe that was where the fear was rooted? She was wailing like just like that) This is barely a crumb of the dysfunction, but I didn't want to dump this. I've never been able to tell anyone half of what goes on. Or never had an anonymous third party at least. If this isn't the right site for me, would yall mind directing me to another one like this? I've tried ALATEEN and I don't want to call a crisis hotline. I wouldn't be able to tell a school therapist either. I love my parents. Something just wouldn't allow me to 'tell' on them like that.

I don't think these are signs of BPD exactly, but I don't think this is normal? Thank you for listening

[CC43]

Hi there,

Wow, it sounds like you've been through so much.  I'm sorry your mom is acting erratically and taking things out on you.  That must be really hard to deal with.  Feeling you have nobody to turn to is really tough.

It's hard to say what your mom's issues are without a professional diagnosis.  It's true that people with BPD sometimes have co-existing conditions, such as depression, anxiety and/or substance abuse.  The substance abuse might be of the self-medicating kind.

You mention your dad; are you close to him?  Do you have an opportunity to share your feelings with him?  Maybe you can try to process what is happening in your home together, and strategize to try to shield you better from the outbursts.

You ask if your mom's behavior is normal.  I can assure you it's not.  Granted, everyone could act "weird" or unusual sometimes, especially in moments of high stress.  But alcoholism, threatening or attempting suicide and wailing uncontrollably in front of kids isn't normal.  Any violence isn't normal.  What you describe sounds like disproportionate emotional reactions, and that might be BPD.

One tactic you might try with your mom is not to JADE, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.  When people are riled up and really emotional, the logical part of the brain tends to shut down, especially in someone with BPD.  So whenever you are trying to Defend yourself and Explain your point of view, all she feels is that you disagree with her, you're invalidating her, and possibly that you are attacking her.  She thinks you're not LISTENING, that you think she's STUPID, that you think she's WRONG for being upset, and she shouts and screams even louder.  When she's showing you that she's not arguing rationally, and she's shutting down, then I think the best thing to do is to retreat in silence.  There's no point JADEing or arguing with her because she's not listening--she's prone to bring up unrelated topics and spin out of control.  Instead, give her an "adult time out," time and space to cool down.  Meanwhile, you go to another room if you can, take a few deep breaths and try to think about something else.  I don't think of this technique as "running away" from your problems, I'm not advocating that.  I'm just saying that if your mom is spinning out of control, arguing with her using logic probably only feeds the fire of her ire even more.  Giving her a "time out" might work better to take down the temperature a notch.

Look, I tried this tactic today, and I had some success with it.  I made an innocuous comment about seeing a neighbor in his yard today, and my loved one perceived the comment as an insult to his masculinity and started yelling at me loudly.  Initially, I made the mistake of trying to explain why my statement wasn't intended as an insult--I was merely trying to make conversation and update him about what was going on in the neighborhood.  But as he got angrier and brought up unrelated perceived insults, I remembered not to JADE.  I stayed silent for a minute, let him yell, and then I found an excuse to leave the room.  I gave him space to calm down, and fortunately for me, he seemed to get over it.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to BPD family.  You're absolutely in the right place and I am so sorry we're meeting online under these circumstances.  Nothing about what you're experiencing is normal or acceptable.

As CC mentioned, talking to your dad is a good route.  If this is mental illness (BPD or otherwise), your mom is struggling internally and doesn't know what to do with all those bottled up feelings.  Sometimes they spill out in an explosion and I want you to know that it's not about you at all...it's 100% about her unstable feelings. 

In other words, she's sick and has little control over what's happening.

Here's something else to keep in mind- you don't have to be "right".  Whatever your mom might say, however ridiculous it is, know that she's saying it because she feels broken inside in that moment.  If you resist yelling back or arguing, it's entirely possible that the moment will pass without anything else happening.  Even if she's screaming at you directly for something you did, know that it's not actually about you...it's about her pain and relentless feelings of emptiness.

That's true of any mental illness, not just BPD.

I would encourage you to speak with a school counselor.  Not to say, "My mom is crazy and dangerous," but to talk out some of her behaviors and find communication skills to help your mom calm down.  If she's drunk, then you need to just give her space, but otherwise there's a lot you can do to actually help her regulate her emotions.  That's your choice though and you won't be judged here no matter what you decide.

Please ask questions and allow us to help you.  Or feel free to rant away if it's just a tough day.  Again, there's no judgement here as we're all doing whatever we can to deal with BPD partners and relatives.