New Member Seeking Support and to Provide It As Well

[Holdinghope1971]

I'll apologize in advance for the length of this first post but some background is necessary.  For anyone who has the time to stick around and read this and respond, please know that you're an angel and I'll be beyond grateful.

My adult (20) son has what multiple therapists believe is undiagnosed BPD.  His father, my ex-husband shared the same traits and two of our marital counselors suggested he also has BPD.

It has been a long and winding 20 years with my son.  He was diagnosed with ADHD in Kindergarten.  Later, ODD was bounced around but never official. For school, after-school programs and camps, I waited anxiously daily for the phone to ring with the next negative event involving my son.  He was dismissed from multiple camps and after school programs and even expelled from a private school whose program was tailored for children with special needs.  While there, some fantastic teachers urged us to get a full work-up for him, which we did.  He was then diagnosed with level 1 autism as well.  While he was under 18 we forced therapy since he wouldn't go voluntarily.  We even had a therapist that would come to our home to allow him to feel he was in a safe environment.  He was the first to suggest that he suspected BPD.  However, we weren't able to get anywhere after that as my son started a refusal to speak with a therapist or psychiatrist.  He would just sit there the whole session glaring at the provider.  Finally, the providers and his pcp suggested we drop it b/c it wasn't going to be helpful.

Outside of school, my son and my ex-husband had a volatile relationship.  I did the best I could to shield my son from as much as I could but it wasn't possible to keep him in a bubble and when I divorced his father, I had multiple attorneys tell me that despite all the evidence I had that at minimum, my son wasn't emotionally safe with his father, the courts would do nothing to even monitor his access to our son unless and until his father exerted some physical abuse that would require medical treatment.  That was accurate unfortunately, so my son had to see his father every other weekend until when my son was 17, he argued with his father and his dad slapped him across the face while my son was driving.

His behavior in my home with me and my current husband was a mixed bag.  My son, through testing was found to be gifted but getting him to do his assignments, keep organized, etc. was a monumental task that I had to manage myself until he qualfied for an IEP in 11th grade.  He wasn't always difficult and could be kind and affectionate.  There were times however, that when his emotions ran high, he became physically aggressive either towards us or our home.  Police were at our home at least four times then about 4 years ago, the emotional abuse and manipulation continued but the physical aggression stopped.  He would threaten it sometimes but didn't engage in it anymore. 

Despite the emotional tornadoes, my son and I have always remained close.  He knows that my love is unconditional and he is safe with me.  His father is no longer in his life.

Currently, my son is at college and has functioned better than most of us anticipated.  Lately though, he has been engaging in dangerous behaviors like reckless driving and drinking until he passes out.  We have tried everything we know to try and get him to seek professional help, to no avail whatsoever.  I've researched enough about BPD to know that he engages in those behaviors to find an instant calm to his inner storm and he's indirectly admitted as much.  Having recently wrecked the first car he ever owned, he seemed to finally recognize that instant gratifcation through dangerous behaviors can have lasting consequences and create a worse emotional storm than the one he was in when he chose the behavior.  Now, we are three weeks out from that incident and we have evidence that he is engaging in dangerous behaviors again.  It has become a pattern.

Cars are one of my son's autism obsessive interests.  So with the help of my therapist, my husband and I decided to devise an agreement with my son whereby we would provide financial assistance towards another vehicle in exchange for certain things from him like attempting therapy again for at least six months, agreements as to his driving habits and drinking habits etc.  He said he was fine with that and thought that was fair then as soon as he left our house, we found out since then that he's still engaging in the same behaviors.  When I've tried to speak with him in a non-accusatory way, while being good about validating his feelings, he has been beyond hostile.  There's been the threat that he'll never speak to me again, to inumerable texts telling me what a hateful mother i've been and worthless as a human being.

I do have a therapist and have been in consistent therapy for the past 5 years and have a psychiatrist for med management.  My diagnoses are CPTSD, GAD, and moderate depression.  This is just by way of explaining some of my responses and processing of what is happening with my son.

I had made so much progress in therapy but as it seems that my son is in a spiral and not the temporary cycles of those that we're used to, I'm struggling to function at all.  It's been so bad, that I considered applying to Pegasos in Switzerland because they offer what is essentially assisted suicide for people like me who have a history of trauma and mental health issues.  I have so many friends who simply don't understand but in trying to help, just tell me that he's an adult so I should just go no contact and whatever happens to him happens to him.  I don't think I have it in me to do that but I also don't know that I have enough left in my tank to stand by as my son goes deeper into his recent pattern of self-destruction.  That is why I got to the point that it feels hopeless, in essence I can't live with him and I can't live without him.  So I started to ask the point of my existence when nothing I do helps him, so our lives are consumed with watching and waiting for the next catastrophic event to occur.  That's not a life.

I realize that my own CPTSD etc inform greatly my ability to handle this but my past and current traumas are very much a part of me and I can't help that.  I recognize that I developed a form of empathy from a young age that in my view was my way to survive.  As a result, my own identity is inextricably entwined with my role as caregiver to those I love.  Now, I believe that I've even failed at that because there is nothing more I know to do to help my son, a person I love more than I can express.

I've done all I know to help him and I'm trying to help myself with the counseling and psychiatrist and yet, it seems that my greatest fears for my son are coming true and I'm helpless to have any influence on it at all.  I've managed to stay on the planet this long because I desparately wanted to believe that my love and support still had some influence on him, no matter how small but it's pretty clear that that's not true, at least not anymore. 

He went three days without speaking with me, after telling me recently how awful I am and I honestly barely got through those days.  I tried everything I know of or have read about to manage my own reactions and try to remind myself about the characteristics of his issues but there was no lasting relief until he called.  My body responds instantly.  I spent those days shaking, nauseous and in what felt like rounds of anxiety attacks.  I ended up on a crisis hotline more than once during that period, so I really see no way I'd survive a long term or permanent separation (waiting for the call from a police station or a hospital) but I'm also falling apart now while he is communicating.

Any advice, suggestions, thoughts etc any of you can provide will be deeply appreciated and I promise as a member of this group to be a good listener for others also.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

It's understandable that this is an emotionally difficult situation for you, and for every parent who is dealing with a child with BPD.

I just wanted to say- please do not put your own life in jeapoardy. Even if you do feel that your existence has been focused on your son, this is not the sum of your own self worth.

I know how much we love our family members and don't want them to suffer. I am an adult daughter of a BPD mother. Both my parents are deceased. Although my BPD mother lived into an advanced age, she had made several attempts and threats on her own life. This was terrifying. She also had times of not speaking to me and being angry at me.

I can promise you that as much as your son is dealing with his own distress, to loose a parent is traumatic in any circumstances and this would create more trauma for him. If someone is alive, there's always hope for a relationship, even if it feels like there isn't and even if it isn't- the chance for that is worth it.

Please, love him enough to find a way to love yourself and to not do something in despair. You are worth it. He's worth it.

[Holdinghope1971]

Notwendy, thank you for your very thoughtful response.  With things as they've been and getting worse, I didn't really think my existence or not would have any impact on my BPD child but it makes sense that my passing, especially in the way described would still create trauma for him.  Thank you again for taking the time to reply.

[Notwendy]

I am so glad you won't harm yourself.

There's a book "I hate you don't leave me" about BPD relationships (I think this one is about romantic ones but the dynamic is similar with family). It doesn't seem fair but the people that are closest to the pwBPD are often the ones who experiences the most of their behavior.

Sometimes we wonder if the issue is us because pwBPD might hold it together better with people they are not as close to but this isn't the case. In some backward way- your son says these things to you because he feels secure enough with you to push at you. You are important to him.

Athough pwBPD and autism can be intellectually gifted (my BPD mother was very intelligent) - they can have difficulty with executive function- putting this intellect towards completing tasks. They can have high anxiety which can interfere with function. It may be that, although your son has the intelligence to attend college, he has difficulty in other areas that are interfering with his ability to succeed in college. This can affect his self esteem and it may be why he's spiralling.

I know two young people- one with BPD, one with autism- both very intelligent but they couldn't manage going away to college. The student with autism came home, attended a smaller local college, now is functioning on his own. The pwBPD also came home, got a 2 year degree, has been employed but with some parental support along the way. Has lived independently but does better when living at home. Independence is still the goal but at a more gradual pace.

Something to think about. If the incentive of a car isn't working for your son, it may be that college, right now, is too big a step for him. He has two conditions that can impact him. For autism, they can shut down due to feeling overwhelmed. PwBPD may act out, they may use alcohol or drugs as a form of self medication.

A college degree may not be a "never". It may be a "later" or "go slower" or changing goal and interest. He may hate sitting in class and studying and prefer a job path that has him doing things actively.

If your son comes home- there would need to be boundaries such as no tolerance for agression and he needs to be doing something productive, but that goal may be different. Consider his interests. He loves cars. Maybe he'd love being a car mechanic and pursuing a certificate, and working on cars suits him. Maybe start with a part time job at a car wash- something he could feel productive about.

On your part- you deserve some of your own focus and interests too. It's hard to feel OK if your son isn't feeling OK but you matter and you can take care of yourself.