My adult child

[Parents! Get help here!]

Recently after finally building back up my own self confidence after a bad relationship, my adult child  of whom is transitioning has been blatantly chipping away at my self confidence by making comments about my career and that I have no business in it. Insists that I am not supportive even when allowing her and her partner free run of my home without paying expenses. It feels like no matter how much support I offer, it is not acceptable or being received as supportive. I used to think that we were open enough and close enough even with our opposing opinions about certain things that she knew I would never reject her for coming out. She said the most awful things at me for setting boundaries  about my home.

[TheNana]

Recently after finally building back up my own self confidence after a bad relationship, my adult child  of whom is transitioning has been blatantly chipping away at my self confidence by making comments about my career and that I have no business in it. Insists that I am not supportive even when allowing her and her partner free run of my home without paying expenses. It feels like no matter how much support I offer, it is not acceptable or being received as supportive. I used to think that we were open enough and close enough even with our opposing opinions about certain things that she knew I would never reject her for coming out. She said the most awful things at me for setting boundaries  about my home.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi TheNana,

Im sorry you are going through this with your udd. Keep doing what you are doing and dont let what your dd says bring you down. I think your udd is projecting her feelings of inadequacy onto you.

I was often called lazy, useless, worthless, friendless, pathetic....etc by my udd when she lived at home. All untrue but it took a lot of my confidence away.  Eventually I came across how pwbpd often use "projection" and began to realise that she called these awful names because that was how she was really feeling that way about herself.
I think that the belittling of new career choice is also to do with how she feels about herself and something that perhaps in reality she would want for herself if she is honest with herself.

My udd always became more focal about supposed mistreatment when a new friend was on the scene who only heard her side of the story. I think she had to live up to it so maybe thats why your dd has suddenly changed in her attitude towards you now this new partner is around. You are doing well to stick to your boundaries. Its expected that your dd will rebel against them to begin with because it is like suddenly coming across a brick wall that wasnt there before and it which will be a shock to her at first but remember that they are there to protect you and you must maintain them. Also using JADE is another great tool to use. No Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining however much dd provokes you to respond which will save you countless emotional energy.

Its sad that you are not able to share this new exciting chapter in your life with someone that you live with. Normal behaviour would be for someone you are close to to be happy for you and encouraging, but I never felt I could share details about my work with my udd because she never showed any interest either and if I did she said that I was boasting or showing off. Again I think it made her feel inadequate.

I would also say that it is probably time that your dd and her partner find their own place to live if they are adults and leave you to live in peace. It might even work out better in the longrun for  the r/s between you and your dd. She may appreciate you more. It wont mean that you love her any less by giving them 2 options. a) date to move out or b) Live by your rules and  contribute financially to the household.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I agree with everything JS wrote and couldn't have written it better myself.

I recently went through a tense living situation with my adult BPD stepdaughter.  She has been living with us, on and off, for the last several years.  She would try living on campus, quit and then rebound to our place.  She'd try living on her own and then rebound.  The most recent, months-long stint of living with us was not ideal.  She moved in with us because of tensions with her roommates.  Then her lease ran out, and her roommates moved elsewhere, without her (cue intense feelings of rejection).  The "deal" was that she could live with us, rent-free, for as long as she wanted, provided that she was nice, cleaned up after herself and worked full-time (or worked full-time on finding a full-time position).  Though at first she acted civilly, it became clear soon enough that what she really wanted was to use our place like a vacation home.  She didn't spend much time looking for work, and she only worked only a couple of days a month.  She refused to share meals, didn't help out one bit, and she grew passive-aggressive and hostile.  She was sleeping late.  Though she's an adult, I think she resents the notion that she has to contribute and work to earn a living.  She is extremely entitled and expects others to over-function for her.  Because her aura was petulant and dark, she infected the mood in the home.  Then one morning my husband yelled at her to get out of bed (she was sleeping in late once again), and she snapped, packed her things, left and didn't contact us for a few weeks.  I'm pretty sure that her version of the story is that she was "thrown out" of an "abusive" home and made "homeless."

Here's the thing though.  I think the BPD daughter is extremely uncomfortable in the home, because she knows she's imposing, and not pulling her weight, and not holding up her end of the implicit bargain.  She can't hide her dysfunction when she's living with you all the time.  She feels like a loser because she can't manage living independently, when peers all around her seem to be having the time of their lives.  She expects perfect performance from you, while she's failing and flailing.  Every waking moment she feels ashamed, guilty, inadequate, and she thinks that's what you think of her.  She actually RESENTS needing so much support from you.  Those negative feelings are eating away at her, and they need an outlet.  Maybe she manufactures a fight, eggs you on, so that you relent and engage in an argument with her, but then she can blame YOU for being hostile.  She feeds on that negative emotion and riles herself up into a vindictive rage, forgetting that she instigated the whole mess.  Meanwhile, she hurls insults your way, and they hit hard, because you're already frazzled and frustrated, exhausted from walking on eggshells in your own home.  You want to tell her to leave, but you fear that she won't be able to handle living on her own.  Does that sound about right?

[TheNana]

YES, it does! I remember myself feeling so lost and when I share that, it comes back as,"Well you don't understand what we (trannies) have to face". They refuse to acknowledge the calculations of a person giving and sharing to depletion. Then what? Where to when there is nothing left to share because I am human and I run out of steam for myself?

[Notwendy]

A bit of perspective to follow up on CC43's post and yours. Reading about the Karpman triangle helped me to understand the dynamics in a BPD relationship better. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

From my own perspective, pwBPD are in Victim perspective and from this perpective- asking them to understand yours is not understood. If I felt down, "sharing" with my BPD mother would lead to her replying that her situation was worse. It was not helpful. So when you attempt to share your feelings with your child- the reply is their situation is worse and you don't understand.

One example- when my father passed away, I assumed it would be obvious that I was also grieving. Saying to my mother "I just lost a father" her reply was- "Well I just lost a husband". Understandable that this was difficult for her emotionally, but also- she was not able to perceive that others may be grieving too.

You can not change your child's thinking. Their issue- whether it's being trans, or anything else- is their focus. I found it ineffective to "share" such kinds of feelings with BPD mother.

There's an opposite effect to helping too much. First, it can lead to you burning out. BPD was not known at the time my parents married and my father's approach to my mother's emotional distress was to take care of her. Someone else did housework. She didn't work outside the home, which was the norm in her era. You'd think she'd be happy having her days to herself. She was not. People resent being dependent. Also, the more we do a task, the better we get at it, and so the rest of us got better at cooking, household tasks which further affected her self esteem.

Her only way to maintain her self esteem was to be critical of us, and insist we do things for her. PwBPD project their own feelings on to others. So, if she felt insecure about a task, she'd be critical of how we did it. The irony of your child criticising your career while you are the one working is an example. BPD mother was critical of our job choices, and yet, she did not have one herself.

No matter what a person's gender identity is- it doesn't give them license to be mean and cruel. I don't have experience with expecting complete independence with a child, or even a person with BPD. The line between what my mother was capable or incapable of was blurred. What I did see from experience was that not having expectations of her or boundaries may have spared us from some rages and her frustration with doing tasks, but it didn't lead to her being more appreciative of us.

We can not change another person but we can change our own behavior. It will help you to feel support from someone- but that person may not be your child. It may take consulting a therapist to help support you in having boundaries with your child, someone who can help you walk that line between helping and promoting her independence.