My adult child

[TheNana]

Recently after finally building back up my own self confidence after a bad relationship, my adult child  of whom is transitioning has been blatantly chipping away at my self confidence by making comments about my career and that I have no business in it. Insists that I am not supportive even when allowing her and her partner free run of my home without paying expenses. It feels like no matter how much support I offer, it is not acceptable or being received as supportive. I used to think that we were open enough and close enough even with our opposing opinions about certain things that she knew I would never reject her for coming out. She said the most awful things at me for setting boundaries  about my home.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi TheNana,

Im sorry you are going through this with your udd. Keep doing what you are doing and dont let what your dd says bring you down. I think your udd is projecting her feelings of inadequacy onto you.

I was often called lazy, useless, worthless, friendless, pathetic....etc by my udd when she lived at home. All untrue but it took a lot of my confidence away.  Eventually I came across how pwbpd often use "projection" and began to realise that she called these awful names because that was how she was really feeling that way about herself.
I think that the belittling of new career choice is also to do with how she feels about herself and something that perhaps in reality she would want for herself if she is honest with herself.

My udd always became more focal about supposed mistreatment when a new friend was on the scene who only heard her side of the story. I think she had to live up to it so maybe thats why your dd has suddenly changed in her attitude towards you now this new partner is around. You are doing well to stick to your boundaries. Its expected that your dd will rebel against them to begin with because it is like suddenly coming across a brick wall that wasnt there before and it which will be a shock to her at first but remember that they are there to protect you and you must maintain them. Also using JADE is another great tool to use. No Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining however much dd provokes you to respond which will save you countless emotional energy.

Its sad that you are not able to share this new exciting chapter in your life with someone that you live with. Normal behaviour would be for someone you are close to to be happy for you and encouraging, but I never felt I could share details about my work with my udd because she never showed any interest either and if I did she said that I was boasting or showing off. Again I think it made her feel inadequate.

I would also say that it is probably time that your dd and her partner find their own place to live if they are adults and leave you to live in peace. It might even work out better in the longrun for  the r/s between you and your dd. She may appreciate you more. It wont mean that you love her any less by giving them 2 options. a) date to move out or b) Live by your rules and  contribute financially to the household.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I agree with everything JS wrote and couldn't have written it better myself.

I recently went through a tense living situation with my adult BPD stepdaughter.  She has been living with us, on and off, for the last several years.  She would try living on campus, quit and then rebound to our place.  She'd try living on her own and then rebound.  The most recent, months-long stint of living with us was not ideal.  She moved in with us because of tensions with her roommates.  Then her lease ran out, and her roommates moved elsewhere, without her (cue intense feelings of rejection).  The "deal" was that she could live with us, rent-free, for as long as she wanted, provided that she was nice, cleaned up after herself and worked full-time (or worked full-time on finding a full-time position).  Though at first she acted civilly, it became clear soon enough that what she really wanted was to use our place like a vacation home.  She didn't spend much time looking for work, and she only worked only a couple of days a month.  She refused to share meals, didn't help out one bit, and she grew passive-aggressive and hostile.  She was sleeping late.  Though she's an adult, I think she resents the notion that she has to contribute and work to earn a living.  She is extremely entitled and expects others to over-function for her.  Because her aura was petulant and dark, she infected the mood in the home.  Then one morning my husband yelled at her to get out of bed (she was sleeping in late once again), and she snapped, packed her things, left and didn't contact us for a few weeks.  I'm pretty sure that her version of the story is that she was "thrown out" of an "abusive" home and made "homeless."

Here's the thing though.  I think the BPD daughter is extremely uncomfortable in the home, because she knows she's imposing, and not pulling her weight, and not holding up her end of the implicit bargain.  She can't hide her dysfunction when she's living with you all the time.  She feels like a loser because she can't manage living independently, when peers all around her seem to be having the time of their lives.  She expects perfect performance from you, while she's failing and flailing.  Every waking moment she feels ashamed, guilty, inadequate, and she thinks that's what you think of her.  She actually RESENTS needing so much support from you.  Those negative feelings are eating away at her, and they need an outlet.  Maybe she manufactures a fight, eggs you on, so that you relent and engage in an argument with her, but then she can blame YOU for being hostile.  She feeds on that negative emotion and riles herself up into a vindictive rage, forgetting that she instigated the whole mess.  Meanwhile, she hurls insults your way, and they hit hard, because you're already frazzled and frustrated, exhausted from walking on eggshells in your own home.  You want to tell her to leave, but you fear that she won't be able to handle living on her own.  Does that sound about right?