Long distance breakup

[Plue]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some perspective on a very painful and confusing situation. My ex-girlfriend (who has BPD and PTSD) and I broke up about 3-4 weeks ago. I am still very much in love with her, and my ultimate goal is to find a way back to her, but I know it would have to be on a new, healthy foundation. I'm struggling with what to do.

The stated reason for this breakup: distance.
This was a 2.5-year long-distance relationship. Her stated reason for the breakup was my failure to "just move" and close the distance, that "nothing was changing." This came out of nowhere. While we had talked about closing the distance, we never actually approached it as a team, especially after our first breakup. She said she had given me two years to move or to find a flat, which I only started looking for after we got together again, but it wasn’t talked about before, and I needed enough time to heal from her cheating. Later, she reflected and admitted that she had said stupid things, that of course it was not so easy for me, and that it was not her place to say how long it should take me to heal.

The Painful Irony: In her eyes, I could have just found a flat faster (I got lots of rejections for flats). The part that's killing me is that I was actively flat-hunting, and I was officially approved for a new flat just one week after she broke up with me. I've now signed the lease.

The Real Pattern (I think): Self-Sabotage This isn't our first breakup. The last time, she sabotaged things by cheating. She later admitted she did it because she "loses herself in relationships" and thought cheating was the only way to make me leave her for good. It seems like last time she used "cheating" to run, and this time she used "distance."

The "Whiplash" & Mixed Signals: After the initial "breakup talk," we were still in contact on WhatsApp for a bit. It was incredibly confusing. She was clearly at war with herself, saying things like "my heart doesn't want this distance but my head does" and that we "both need to process." She even gave me hope by saying things like "we got this, one step at a time."

The "No Contact" Declaration & The Purge: Then, just as I was holding onto that hope, it was like a switch flipped. I received a text from her that said, "I will go no contact from now on."

Since that declaration, her behavior has been the total opposite of our last breakup (where she was clingy and couldn't stop texting me). This time, it's been a "scorched earth" campaign:

She has removed me (not blocked, but removed) from everything: Instagram, TikTok, shared calendar, Discord, etc.

She purged all our old posts and changed her bio. This all happened gradually not at the same time and not immediately.

Her TikTok reposts started out sad (about missing me), but for the last two weeks, they have been 100% devaluing and angry (e.g., "I won't settle," "at least I don't have a baby with my ex," and posts implying I was the one who didn't try, which is infuriating).

Her behavior is contradictory: She removed a mutual friend she cares about deeply (who is associated with me), but at the same time, she re-added "toxic" people she had previously cut out of her life.

The New Development (She Broke "No Contact") After three weeks of this angry, total silence, she broke "no contact" herself yesterday.

She messaged me on her second, Discord account.

The message was practical: "I don't have money to send your things back."

I replied in a practical, calm way, saying I'd cover the costs and explaining when it would work best for me to receive the items (due to military service and my upcoming move). She then replied asking for the dates.

My Core Dilemma (Where I Need Advice): I have to answer her tomorrow about my military dates, but I don't know how to act. I'm torn.

Last time, I kept pursuing her (texting, calling). She blocked me because of it, but eventually, she was the one who reached out, and we got back together.

This time, I’ve been trying to be the "Calm." When she declared "no contact," I sent one text: "I respect your wish. I'm here if you need me." I haven't pursued her at all.

Now I'm terrified. Was I wrong to stay silent? Does her re-adding other people mean she might "re-add" me one day?

I still love her and want her back. How do I handle this situation now?

Thank you for any perspective.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.